Q: What's more overpriced: Starbucks or Jamba Juice? Side Question: What's more delicious?
--M. Shriver, Los Angeles, CA.
A: While both are exceptionally delicious, Starbucks is by far more overpriced. You can go to the gas station and get coffee for a buck. It's 3-4 there, depending on whatever you get. Whereas at JJ, smoothies are usually pretty expensive anyways and they use alot of fruit to make it. Oh, and Jamba Juice is more delicious. The architecture of the smoothie is divine and more satisfying than a handjob in a movie theatre with your friend right next to you. Which is a little weird, albeit still pretty refreshing.
Q: Best month for an ethnic group: October for Germans, March for the Irish, Never for Canadians, or August for Eskimos?
--C. Sandiego, Riga, Latvia
A: Why don't you go ask a guy from Cabrini Green what his favorite type of music is? Of course I'd say the Irish here. The Irish aren't a very lucky people, which makes the phrase super ironic, so anytime the Western World (read: the World that people pay attention to) celebrates us in any way is a victory. One has to wonder why Germany is even a country after World War II, yet get a month to celebrate and drink their asses off while taking tourists for their hard earned Euros. And Canadians? Eskimos? Name one person that would want to celebrate either of those cultures. Are Eskimos even an ethnic group? Are CANADIANS? Should they be? All questions that would be better answered by a Canadian Eskimo.
Q: What would be a worse experience: going on a roller coaster while extremely drunk or sitting through a Tyler Perry movie sober?
--P.Gammons, Bristol, CN.
A: What compels a man to go to a movie theatre and say "One for Madea Goes to Prison, please" then hand over $7 to see it? At least the drunk man was too drunk to know better. I don't think even one Tyler Perry minute of one Tyler Perry movie could even be considered decent by a man who smoked an entire eighth of Hydroponic weed beforehand. I'd rather go on a roller coaster after chugging whiskey straight up and puke my brains out 6 times over than see a Tyler Perry movie sober, high, drunk, alive, or dead. Unless it was for sure ass from my date. Then maybe. (note: ass>sobreity, highness, drunkenness, death, but < living).
Q: What's the most disconcerting world event that is currently going on? Any solutions?
--J. Biden, Washington, DC.
A: Well, maybe you didn't know this, but Pakistan and India hate each other and have been fighting over this disputed border of the Kashmir region, a very mineral rich and valuable region. Both are nuclear states, while Pakistan is bordered by Afghanistan which is ass-fucked more than Jenna Jameson. Oh, and the Taliban have taken over a few villages in Northern Pakistan, with the U.S.A.-sponsored and trained Pakistani military not even fighting for it. So think of this: the Taliban with nuclear weapons in a region that is about as stable as that bridge at the end of the second Indiana Jones movie. But it's a solution you want, no? Here's a solution: there is none. The world is, always has been, and always will be a haven for violence, death, and all-around horribleness. I mean, if you walk past 30 people while downtown in a few minutes, chances are one is at least is a pedophile. This is why you hire a government: so you don't have to think about this kind of stuff. Because if you cared about every single problem in the world like this, you'd be flying higher over the cuckoo's nest than Jack Nicholson at a bachelorette party after he just popped Viagra.
Q: Fight to the death, you get one weapon that isn't a gun. It's against Kimbo Slice. What do you choose?
--M. Rourke's Dog, Los Angeles, CA.
A: Seeing as how one punch from Kimbo Slice would have a 97% chance of killing me instantly, it would need to be something that I could throw or fire at him from a distance, because if he gets 3 feet in front of me, I'd wet my pants and go right into the fetal position. How about a Molotov cocktail? Ya know, a bottle of booze with a rag sticking out of, which you set on fire and throw at something? Or how bout like a rocket launcher or a flamethrower? Oh wait, I'm going with flamethrower. That is by far the most sexy weapon. It's just like "I'm firing fire and look where it's coming out of. That big nozzle in front of my crotch." Yeah, that was probably too much regarding a question about Kimbo Slice. But a guy can dream, especially when it's killing Kimbo Slice with a flamethrower and going to the after-party a hero with a bunch of turned on women, when all you would need to say is "Hey, wanna see how the flamethrower really works?" to reel them in. Yup. I'm 22, still spoon with my three-foot tall Homer Simpson pillow, and fantasize about killing Kimbo Slice with a flamethrower.
Q: Has anybody heard about this "Money for Mercy" thing? Basically, the church says that give money to the charity and do your hail mary's, your sins are automatically wiped away. Isn't this buying your way into heaven? Is religion going through a recession as people slowly realize that the church is about money and keeping people behaved, rather than a real thing?
--B. Maher, New York, NY.
A: I have heard of this and think that people who actually would pay for it are really stupid. I think more people are slowly turning away from religion, but I don't think religion will ever go through a "recession" so to speak. People NEED to believe that there's something more. Not because they are dumb or blind to the truth, but because when people know there's nothing more, that's dangerous. There's no doubt that the church is all about money and although the people that have so much faith without any proof kind of annoy me, there's a part of me that really respects that. It's not the followers that should be ridiculed but their leaders, who might truly believe what they say, but the church is as much as a business as T-Mobile or Sony. I wish I could really, truly believe in the concept of religion. I do believe there's something but I don't believe in following the man-made doctrines of (especially) the Catholic Church. Does an atheist who does charity work, lives a mostly good life, and coaches his kid's baseball teams get into heaven over a Catholic who unconditionally believes in God, does charity work, lives a mostly good life, but cheats on his wife while she's at their kid's baseball games? I can't get into it but religion is a great concept that was put together poorly and never modernized. That's just my opinion and I'm getting out of this question before I get attacked by Texas.
Q: Taxing marijuana could save our countries economy. No one's talking about it. WHY?
--H. Lee, K. Patel, New Brunswick, New Jersey
A: Politicians don't like to talk about drugs, especially ones as delicious as marijuana. Get this straight, though: marijuana is a billion dollar (and I mean multi-billion) industry that is going to thugs and deadbeats (even I profited off it). If it was legal and taxed, people would be buying and smoking it like it was the 70's all over again. Marijuana isn't all that dangerous. I mean, all it makes you is hungry, tired, and full of laughter. Unlike even my first love of alcohol, which makes you beligerent, angry, noisy, and downright obnoxious when your trying to enjoy a doobie. Now, it wouldn't save economy. It would just create a few more corporations like tobacco companies that would find a way to cheapen weed to make more and more money. I never understood why marijuana was illegal in the first place, so maybe it's just me, but even cigarettes are worse for you than weed unless you smoke weed like 4 times a day. Trust me, I've had experience in both. And although it might make us an even lazier country (could you even fathom that?), weed could help strengthen the economy a little bit. Because even if people were running out of money, they could buy weed to forget about that. Just sayin', yo.
Q: Now that you're single, can't you be a little more crude? I mean, what's stopping you? Your blog isn't graphic or as boundary-pushing as it could be.
--R. Grossman, Nowhereville.
A: Fuck you, condom licker. You are quite wrong, I can't be more graphic when I'm single. When I had a girlfriend, crudeness was expected and tolerated so it was no problem here. Now that I'm single, any potential facebook stalker girl that I'm interested could stumble upon this blog and see what is going through my mind. Nobody wants to really see what's going through my mind, that's why there's not that many regular readers. That is in all seriousness. You see, many people think that no cats deserve to live but if a cat lover stumbled upon me saying that, I wouldn't get even a makeout from a 250 lb girl with low self esteem. So FUCK YOU and your love of graphic and vulgar language on a blog that is intended to be all ages. By the way, how's free-agency going for ya you cum-guzzling, ego stroking, sexually attracted to interceptions motherfucker?
Q: Isn't it a shame that a few weeks after the hilarious "I'm On a Boat" video from the SNL dudes, pro sports athletes go missing off a boat, meaning they "Aren't On a Boat"? Kind of ironic, isn't it?
--A. Samberg, New York, NY
A: Wow, that was a pretty offensive question but let me answer this with the utmost sympathy because nobody likes to see somebody die. On the other hand, the SNL video is rather funny and I wish there was more of that kind of creativity on that show. I really don't know how this is ironic though. If somebody went and saw "The Chronicles of Narnia" high a week before "Lazy Sunday" came out, would that be ironic? What about somebody jizzing their pants an hour before they watched the video? Or somebody giving their girlfriend their dick for Christmas the year before "Dick in a Box" came out? That's not a recipe for irony. That's a recipe for loneliness and extreme embarrassment, especially if the jizzing came right after you gave her your dick, to which she'd probably reply with something witty like "I can get my money back since it's barely used, right?" But that analogy works for the boat one too. It's lonely out at sea and it'll be embarrassing when they're in the heaven bar and Marilyn Monroe asks how they died: "I fell off a boat." Too soon?
Q: So Rihanna and Chris Brown are back together, even he turned her into an old catcher's mitt. Are there people in the world you feel more confused about than abused women who keep going back to the men that beat them? What compels such stupidity?
--I. Turner, Atlanta, GA.
A: I've never been abused by a loved one physically (mentally, yes. my dad is not nice), so I really can't say what would drive one back. Love is a powerful thing. I am confused by it, yes, since if my girlfriend ever hit me, I'd break up with her on the spot and never talk to her again. But that's just me. And it's easier said than done, I guess. But after looking at Rihanna's picture regarding the incident, it doesn't look like it was just one punch out of passion. Rihanna looked like she was Roy Jones Jr's speed bag for a week. I'm not gonna diss a woman for going back, just ask her why and scoff as she walks away when she says she fell down the stairs. It's the abusive men I feel are more stupid. They need to hit a woman to get off? They have to live with the fact that they are weak for men. Like me, but not literally. I'm just weak physically. So hitting a girl would be a double negative for me: it's the wrong thing to do, plus I'd probably get my ass kicked.
Q: If you had to name one athlete that wouldn't cheat on his wife (for the sake of argument, even if their not married in reality) for your life, who would it be? And why, of course?
--Hot But Desperate in Anywhere you Want Me to Be
A: Wow. By far the hardest question I've ever had to answer in the history of the mailbag. Let's say...Joakim Noah of the Chicago Bulls. Simply because he is so ugly, that I don't think there is more than one woman that wouldn't have sex with him for free. I mean, there are thousands upon thousands of guys who just can't have sex for free. (Take James Gandolfini, for instance) Life isn't fair for those that don't try hard. Or, in Noah's case, those that are born to a Hawaiian and a Hillbilly. It's science. The part of science that nobody cares about, but still science.
Here is a picture of the not so Love-a-Bull Joakim Noah:
Q: I just watched "Pineapple Express" the other day and had a question. What is the best stoner buddy comedy ever made?
--C.Chong, Encino, CA.
A: I'm sorry, I know there are those that just immediately think Cheech and Chong when they hear stoner comedy, but to me it's all about Harold and Kumar. Either movie, for that matter, could be considered the best stoner comedy. An Asian and an Indian smoking pot together, trying to go to White Castle to eat cause of the munchies, or Amsterdam so they can smoke and have sex. "Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle" and "Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay" both tug a certain heartstring of mine, partly because it made me want to be a stoner, partly because I was a stoner, and partly because weed is delicious and makes me understand everything they do. I don't care if the movies suck on paper, or on screen to the sober individual, these movies are keepsakes to me. Love 'em. Plus, I went through a similar adventure that they did when trying to get to Amsterdam. I had to connect in New Jersey. AND had a delay there. Talk about goin' through hell. They had attendants in front of each gate just for people that can't read. And there were LINES in front of those people.
Q: Say you were having sex for the first time with your dream girl. You never thought it would happen but it's going on at that very moment. Suddenly, her cell phone rings, she presses ignore. When you ask her who it was, she says "my boyfriend." You have 4 options: keep going and hope that she breaks up with him, leave and ruin your chance with her, ask her about him at risk of the sex stopping, or ask her (after sex) if your worst nightmare is true: "do you love him?"?
--A. Greenspan, Bangor, ME.
A: Well, here it goes. I know this isn't the misogynistic answer your hoping for, but I honestly believe that if someone's happy without you, then it's better they be without you. That isn't to say that I wouldn't finish having sex with her. Oh, no. But I would definitely ask about her boyfriend after. And I would never, ever tell him or anyone that would tell him about it. Yeah, I'd probably have sex with her again if she wanted to, but so what? Attraction can be more than just looks, and sometimes it's hard to ignore it, no matter how strong a person you are (read: I'm not strong). Plus, if she's your dream girl, she's probably hot. I mean, she's the one doin the wrong thing here. If she breaks up with her boyfriend for you, you're one of the lucky ones, but one of the few. Most people never get their dream girl, except in their dreams. That's why she's a "dream" girl. Those that do, anyways, tend to find out that their dream girls are different than they think. But who cares. Don't fuck with happiness, follow your heart. Or in this case, your penis.
Q: Has a bird ever pooped on you? Have you ever stepped in dog crap? Have you ever gotten hit in the face? What's the best age to lose your virginity? How much weed do you need to smoke to freak out? If you slept with your friends wife at their house while your friend was mowing the lawn, in the ass no less, would that justify murder? Where the frack is utopia? How long is too long for a girl when it comes to sex?
--L. Dolan, Mt. Prospect, IL
A: This is by far the most disturbing and downright shocking question I've ever received, made even worse by the fact that it's possibly from my dad. Oh well! A bird has pooped on me (on my way to church, no less. God was saying somethin'). I've stepped in dog crap, probably more than once. I've never gotten hit in the face by a fist, but I was hit in the face in 8th grade with a football being kicked off about 4 feet away from me and I imagine it feels something like that. The best age to lose your virginity is the day you go through puberty. Depends on the quality, but I'd say a gram, but it also depends on who you are and what kind of mood your in. Umm...yes. That is the one time where adultery justifies murder. But the guy who did it must have some big ones and that's an awesome, if not morally disturbing to the highest degree, story. Utopia is in my bedroom. I'm assuming you are talking about the length of one go-round of sexual intercourse. I'd think there's no way, depending on how hard your doing it, that a girl could feel good after like an hour, hour and a half. Not that it's ever taken that long for me, but it has and I'm bragging. But I was REALLY drunk. Which, by now, shouldn't be surprising since most of my stories start out that way. But Larry Dolan, we might need to talk about who your dealer is.
Well, there you have it ladies, gentlemen, and Mr. Clean, the March Mailbag is complete. Hopefully it'll be back in April for all you word loving kiddos. Upcoming topics to look forward to on the blog: March Madness, Blowing, and one other topic I have saved but can't remember and don't feel like looking it up. So stay tuned, cause it should be a good a month as ever. Now excuse me while I go read the Watchmen graphic novel. Cause I'd rather read the supposedly amazing novel for $13 than go see it in IMAX for the same price, at least judging by the early reviews. Who am I kidding? I'll still see it. I see everything. Anyways, until next time, I wish you peace and love!
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