In a predictable turn of events here at my underread blog, I've decided to do a baseball preview. Since you can read any ol' preview at pretty much every sports site in existence, I've decided to switch it up in a way only a semi-alcoholic underachieving college graduate can: with sarcastic humor! So, for every team, I'll either compliment them, with a criticism in the middle, or criticize them with a compliment in the middle, depending on the quality of the team. So here it is: The Sexiest Baseball Preview Ever.
AL Central
1. Cleveland Indians
Compliment: They added Cubs 2008 MVP Mark DeRosa and finally got a closer in Kerry Wood.
Insult: They play in Ohio. Yucky.
Compliment: Grady Sizemore is the sexiest white Centerfielder in baseball.
2. Minnesota Twins
Compliment: Look up overachiever in a dictionary and you'll find a picture of the Minnesota Twins.
Insult: Their stadium is hideous.
Compliment: I can't name any of their starting Outfielders and I'm picking them to finish 2nd in a tough division.
3. Chicago White Sox
Compliment: Alexei Ramirez is the next Alfonso Soriano, but maybe better.
Insult: Paul Konerko is slower than my grandma and I ain't exaggerating.
Compliment: Their stadium's food is delightful.
4. Detroit Tigers
Insult: They play in the worst major city in America.
Compliment: With the talent they have on offense, they can't do any worse than last year
Insult: Dontrelle Willis has found the only MLB team that would actually use him as a starter.
5. Kansas City Royals
Insult: Their DH looks like Butterbean.
Compliment: They've got some good building blocks and could be somewhat competitive this season.
Insult: They really don't have a superstar player that can carry them.
AL West
1. Los Angeles Angels
Compliment: They have a great offense and bullpen, all the way through.
Insult: Will any of it matter come October?
Compliment: Lots of Latinos love the Angels. And if Los Angeles has anything, it's Latinos.
2. Oakland Athletics
Compliment: If the middle of the lineup can stay healthy, (Holliday/Jason Giambi/Chavez) it could be the biggest offensive year in Oakland in a while.
Insult: Their rotation is as young as the guest list to a Michael Jackson party.
Compliment: Basically, Oakland Athletics is a synonym for Minnesota Twins.
3. Texas Rangers
Insult: They have one of, if not the, worst pitching staffs in the league.
Compliment: Their gonna smash the ball around alot, as always.
Insult: You'd think they'd sign one good pitcher by now. COME ON!
4. Seattle Mariners
Insult: 5th starter Ryan Rowlands-Smith would have alot better name without the Smith.
Compliment: Felix Hernandez is better than most pitchers when he's healthy and he turns 23 on opening day.
Insult: Their lineup, at least 4th-9th, leaves much to be desired.
AL East (Or, the division that's better than yours)
1. Boston Red Sox
Compliment: Same team as last year and it was damn good.
Insult: The way Bostoners talk is annoying.
Compliment: When you have a 2nd baseman who can win MVP, you're pretty much swimming in sexuality.
2. Tampa Bay Rays
Compliment: Because their young, fearless, and the funest team to watch in baseball.
Insult: Lost a few bullpen guys, which was their main strength. And nobody goes to their games, because their stadium is pathetic.
Compliment: They're quicker than a premature ejaculator.
3. New York Yankees
Insult: If A-Rod struggles at all, you're gonna hear it everywhere.
Compliment: You're offense with A-Rod is unbelievably ridiculous.
Insult: A.J. Burnett and C.C. Sabathia = Carl Pavano and a heart attack waiting to happen?
4. Toronto Blue Jays
Insult: Chipper Jones thinks your town is boring. And he's from ATLANTA.
Compliment: You got Roy Halladay, the most consistent thing since bad Bears QB's.
Insult: Besides him, who's throwing the ball in honor of your owner, who died in the offseason? Mediocre relievers, that's who.
5. Baltimore Orioles
Insult: The top 3 of their lineup is Entourage Season 2, while the rest is Entourage Season 5. (Good-->Awful)
Compliment: It'll be fun to hear how announcers pronounce 2nd SP Koji Uehara's name.
Insult: Rich Hill is in your rotation. Have fun with that.
NL West
1. Los Angeles Dodgers
Compliment: Manny.
Insult: Manny.
Compliment: Manny.
2. Arizona Diamondbacks
Compliment: Your pitching is pretty damn good with Webb and Haren at the top.
insult: If any pitcher has a 20 strikeout game this year, it will be against this team.
Compliment: You're team is really boring to me. But you win, so who cares what I think.
3. Colorado Rockies
Insult: You lost you're best hitter and your closer. Usually, that's a bad thing.
Compliment: You're like Texas. At least you'll hit.
Insult: You're pitching actually....improved. Go figure.
4. San Francisco Giants
Insult: You're offense is as ugly as it is old and bad.
Compliment: It's Lincecum vs. Peavy for 4th place.
Insult: You're paying Barry Zito so much, you can't bench, trade, or minor league him. Just look at his Mazerati and cry tears of failure.
5. San Diego Padres
Insult: They have what is easily the worst offense is baseball.
Compliment: Imagine how much you could get from the Cubs for Jake Peavy....mmmmm.
Insult: Mark Prior is still in your system. GET RID OF HIM!
NL East
1. New York Mets
Compliment: You actually have a bullpen this year!!
Insult: You're rotation would scare me minus Johan if I were a Mets fan.
Compliment: Finally, you don't play in a garbage dump anymore!
2. Atlanta Braves
Compliment: I like your rotation more than other people do.
Insult: Garret Anderson is left? Why?
Compliment: Your team has the best collection of names in the majors.
3. Philadelphia Phillies
Compliment: You're team's almost the same and you won the World Series last year.
Insult: You ruined everyone's dream of seeing the Rays win the World Series. And nobody likes Philadelphians. Fuck you.
Compliment: The Flyin' Hawaiian (Shane Victorino) is one of the best nicknames in recent memory.
4. Florida Marlins
Compliment: Hanley Ramirez: the best player in baseball.
Insult: You're a little too homer happy. And you play in a football stadium.
Compliment: I love me some Cameron Maybin.
5. Washington Nationals
Insult: I think everyone in your lineup is an outfielder
Compliment: I don't know.
Insult: You have a hideous team and are an embarrassment.
NL Central
1. Chicago Cubs
Compliment: Your rotation is sexilicious.
Insult: You're a moron for trading Mark DeRosa. Kosuke Fukudome.
Compliment: Fontenot has sneaky power at 2B
2. Milwaukee Brewers
Compliment: You can hit the ball damn well.
Insult: Their pitching makes me *yawn* bored.
Compliment: You released Eric Gagne. Right?
3. Houston Astros
Compliment: You're offense is very balanced. You may scare me more than the Brewers, as a Cubs fan.
Insult: I wouldn't be too proud of that rotation, unless you are like the parents that are proud of their kids no matter what.
Compliment: You won't get no-hit again, provided there's not another hurricane.
4. St. Louis Cardinals
Insult: Did you know that Tony LaRussa is the only MLB manager with both a DUI and a "Falling asleep in the middle of an intersection"?
Compliment: They've got Pujols, the best hitter in baseball.
Insult: Who the fuck is your closer? Or anyone in your pen for that matter?
5. Cincinnati Reds
Insult: You should probably find a position for Micah Owings so he can hit everyday.
Compliment: You'll probably do better than last year. Progress, sirs. Look at the Rays. Patience is a virtue.
Insult: Dusty Baker is not gonna progress you anywhere. (read: Jerry Hairston, Jr. starting in LF)
6. Pittsburgh Pirates
Insult: You're leadoff hitter's name is Nyjer. That's not creative, just dumb.
Compliment: Your youngsters could improve. But you'll still suck.
Insult: I love it when the Cubs play you.
Wild Cards
NL: Atlanta Braves , AL: Tampa Bay Rays
Playoffs:
Mets over Dodgers, Cubs over Braves----> Mets over Cubs
Rays over Angels, Red Sox over Indians---->Red Sox over Rays
World Series:
Red Sox over Mets in 5
After that sexy baseball preview, I'd like to turn to a more serious and sad note. A week or so ago, another reason to absolutely despise Texas popped up. Texans backup RB Ryan Moats was speeding towards the hospital with his wife and her sister in the car to get to a hospital to see his dying mother-in-law. He was pulled over by a cop in the hospital parking lot. He and his wife explained the situation to the cop, but the cop threatened to take them to jail if they didn't shut up. The sister went into the hospital anyway, as anyone would. The cop made Moats wait around for over 20 minutes while threatening to tow his car, pulling his gun on him, and threatening to jail him if he didn't stay where he was. His mother-in-law died before he got to see her, while the cop was making him wait. The cop's suspended but here's hoping he gets fired and never gets a job at anywhere but a fast food chain.
Here's the full story from S.I.:
Ryan Moats Story.
Sorry to end on a depressing note, but until next time, cheer up!
Random Review: I Love You, Man
Here's where things get crazy. I'm spouting off a random blog here to do an excellent review of a film. I'll try and do this whenever I see a movie in the theatre. But enough of the introduction, let's get down to brass tacks and nail it.
I Love You, Man
Starring: Paul Rudd, Jason Segel, Rashida Jones, Andy Samberg, Jon Favreau, Jamie Pressley, Lou Ferrigno
Plot: Peter's (Rudd) getting married but begins his search for a best man when he realizes he has no male friends.
"Beatles or Stones on 3"
I love it, man. The Apatow team takes a simple, yet real concept and turns into comedic gold. While by no means is ILYM near the quality of a Knocked Up or The 40-Year Old Virgin, it's a comedy that doesn't disappoint. ILYM is not a comedy built around gross out humor. Rather, it centers it's humor on the pure awkwardness of the Paul Rudd's character Peter and his situation. From a rambling phone message, which ends with a word intended to be a nickname that not even Rudd knew what he said, to a projectile vomit (yup, it's possible) all over the host of a poker game, Peter just seems awkward at every turn of the movie. Until he meets Segel's character Sidney. (Although, he's still rather awkward) Peter finally comes out of his shell and makes a friend. Rudd and Segel's interactions is where most of the humor is found. Both are in awkward situations on opposite ends of the spectrum: Rudd is about to get married with no male friends and Segel has no yearn for commitment, but all his other friends are married. The random inserting of Lou Ferrigno, or better known as The Hulk, doesn't hurt the humor. Even though Rudd's getting married, it's his relationship with Segel that drives the movie. I hate to use the word "bromance" but Segel and Rudd's relationship is as close to a gay relationship as a straight relationship gets between guys.
"You want to get a corn dog?" "YEAH!"
There is nothing complicated about this movie. It takes a problem that any normal guy might have to worry about down the line or in the present, and it preys on the situation. There is no subtle irony or surprise turns (although, at one point I thought the friendship might take a disappointing turn, but I won't spoil it), just two guys making Andre the Giant jokes, talking about sex, rocking out, and having a few beers.
"Slap da bass, mon"
What I love about Paul Rudd is that he could take a character like Peter and just make me cringe at almost everything he says. He just has no idea how to interact with other men. Even his gay brother (Samberg) seems less stereotypically gay than him. He must have used around 40 different nicknames for Segel's character that I've never heard anyone say before to anyone. The whole cast, even Jon Favreau in a small role. It's a flim that touches on the difficulty of making friendships as you get older. It's a film that touches on the art of the fish taco. It's a film that touches on not cleaning up after your dog. But best of all, it's a film that knows not to touch on too much. However contrived the plot may be, it doesn't take away from the fact that you're going to laugh and enjoy yourself. And isn't that the point?
Rating: 8/10
I Love You, Man
Starring: Paul Rudd, Jason Segel, Rashida Jones, Andy Samberg, Jon Favreau, Jamie Pressley, Lou Ferrigno
Plot: Peter's (Rudd) getting married but begins his search for a best man when he realizes he has no male friends.
"Beatles or Stones on 3"
I love it, man. The Apatow team takes a simple, yet real concept and turns into comedic gold. While by no means is ILYM near the quality of a Knocked Up or The 40-Year Old Virgin, it's a comedy that doesn't disappoint. ILYM is not a comedy built around gross out humor. Rather, it centers it's humor on the pure awkwardness of the Paul Rudd's character Peter and his situation. From a rambling phone message, which ends with a word intended to be a nickname that not even Rudd knew what he said, to a projectile vomit (yup, it's possible) all over the host of a poker game, Peter just seems awkward at every turn of the movie. Until he meets Segel's character Sidney. (Although, he's still rather awkward) Peter finally comes out of his shell and makes a friend. Rudd and Segel's interactions is where most of the humor is found. Both are in awkward situations on opposite ends of the spectrum: Rudd is about to get married with no male friends and Segel has no yearn for commitment, but all his other friends are married. The random inserting of Lou Ferrigno, or better known as The Hulk, doesn't hurt the humor. Even though Rudd's getting married, it's his relationship with Segel that drives the movie. I hate to use the word "bromance" but Segel and Rudd's relationship is as close to a gay relationship as a straight relationship gets between guys.
"You want to get a corn dog?" "YEAH!"
There is nothing complicated about this movie. It takes a problem that any normal guy might have to worry about down the line or in the present, and it preys on the situation. There is no subtle irony or surprise turns (although, at one point I thought the friendship might take a disappointing turn, but I won't spoil it), just two guys making Andre the Giant jokes, talking about sex, rocking out, and having a few beers.
"Slap da bass, mon"
What I love about Paul Rudd is that he could take a character like Peter and just make me cringe at almost everything he says. He just has no idea how to interact with other men. Even his gay brother (Samberg) seems less stereotypically gay than him. He must have used around 40 different nicknames for Segel's character that I've never heard anyone say before to anyone. The whole cast, even Jon Favreau in a small role. It's a flim that touches on the difficulty of making friendships as you get older. It's a film that touches on the art of the fish taco. It's a film that touches on not cleaning up after your dog. But best of all, it's a film that knows not to touch on too much. However contrived the plot may be, it doesn't take away from the fact that you're going to laugh and enjoy yourself. And isn't that the point?
Rating: 8/10
Upset While Dancing? Find Cinderella and Cry About It
With the NCAA Tournament approaching faster than a really fast Ethiopian (all my metaphors can't be winners, people), I feel like I owe it to the NCAA to do a blog about the tournament, since it doesn't get enough media attention. The best stories of the event are always which little schools advance the farthest (i.e. Davidson). People love upsets, which I never understood, because the higher ranked team gets so upset. What becomes of these legends at small schools? Do they advance on to a normal life like the rest of us? Do they enter the porn industry like the lucky ones? Or do they get arrested for drug possession? Wherever they end up, they no doubt feed of the legend. And good for them, cause I'd do it too. So, in honor of the underdog, here is my "Where Are They Now?": Stars of the Biggest Upsets in NCAA Tournament HIstory. Because the only thing we truly know about them is that they definitely got laid after the tournament. Well, and what's on wikipedia. (note: this article is sponsored by Travis Henry's Soccer Team. Or, as they are also known, his kids)
Jai Lewis
Star of: 2006 Final Four Team and #11 seed George Mason
Career Highlights: Four Year starter at George Mason, averaging around 14 pts and 7 rebounds most of his career, and weighing 275 lbs.
Where You At? After graduating from George Mason (maybe...), Lewis convinced himself that he was so fat, he could be an offensive lineman. He was signed by the Giants but was later cut when scouts remembered "oh wait, we just signed this guy for publicity." He's played basketball in Japan, France, Israel, and currently a different team in Israel. In another interesting tidbit, every member of the starting 5 for the 2006 George Mason Patriots is playing in a different country. Which basically just means they ain't great. But while Lewis is dodging holy wars, he can take solace in the fact that people will always member that fat guy from that year's Final Four. If they have a good memory.
Memorable Quote: Regarding some of his teammates in Israel having to bring their weapon to practice: "They say if they lose their weapon, they go from 5 years of military service to ten." Classy, classy stuff.
Ricky Paulding
Star of: 2002 Elite Eight Team and #12 seed Missouri
Career Highlights: Scored 71 points in a game [citation needed], beat Dwayne Wade in the NCAA Tournament with 36 Points, and lists his hobbies as video games, TV, and music. He's a real creative guy.
Where You At? Was drafted by the Pistons in the 2nd round, played for Israel, was cut, and couldn't make the Kings, who asked me to tryout last week. After that, he played for 2 different teams in France and recently signed with a German team. He plays in Oldenburg, Germany which is described as the hub of German agricultural industry. He scored 13 points in last game. Hey, it can't be all bad, he gets to live in Europe to play basketball and hit all those....ummm....decent-looking German women.
(Thank You, Lord I don't live in Germany)
Memorable Quote: On his opinion of Israel: "I had no idea so many people spoke English here. And the people is really friendly. It's great here." Wow. Breathtaking. (And no, that's not a typo in the second sentence)
Antonio Gates
Star of: 2002 Elite Eight Team and #10 seed Kent St.
Career Highlights: Averaged 20 pts. and 8 rebounds in senior year, Honorable Mention All-American, and better known for football, which he didn't play in college.
Where You At? Any NFL fan knows where Gates is at now, he's playing for the San Diego Chargers in the NFL. Unlike the aforementioned Jai "Large Fries" Lewis, Gates has turned into his basketball career into an extremely successful football career as a Tight End. Gates has set records for receiving touchdowns for a tight end, gets to live in beautiful San Diego, and does charity work. He stays out of trouble, too. So, he's perfect and we all suck. We get it. Well, he had to grow up in Detroit. So we're all even. But more seriously, Gates has turned a moment in the sun into a very lucrative, seemingly happy life. And he's the first player on the list who hasn't played for Israel. Good for you, Antonio!
Memorable Quote: "Say what you will about pro athletes holding out for more money. Most shouldn't do it, but you've got to admit I had more of a right to than anyone. I was only making $380,000 a year. That's chump change. I could make that playing basketball in Turkey, or in the Major Indoor Lacrosse League. The Chargers know they were wrong. That's why they gave me a new contract." So modest. Does the Lacrosse League really pay that well, though? C'mon Antonio, do some research before you open your mouth.
Don't quit your day job, AG.
God Shammgod
Star of: 1997 Elite Eight team and #10 seed Providence
Career Highlights: Big East rookie of the year, Big East freshmen assist record, and most bizarre name in the history of man.
Where You At? After leaving Providence, Shammgod played one year in the NBA with the Washington Wizards before being cut. He's played on two different teams in China, Poland, and Saudi Arabia. Currently, God plays for Portland in the IBL, whatever that is. I always thought God would be on a higher profile team or something, but I guess he wants to be noticed without anyone ever seeing him. Since that's what he's doing in Portland. His name, offensive to everyone but atheists and me, because I think it's hilariously bizarre, is actually his birth name. He changed for a while in high school but realized that, if scouts were going to notice him, he needed to change it back to God. I only wish I could have seen the look on the nurses face when she asked his parents what the boy's name was. Did you know that when he says "God damn it", he's actually talking in the third person while using a common curse phrase? That. IS. AWESOME. P.S. Shammgod wasn't even the best player on Providence, but you really didn't want to hear about Austin Croschere when you could be talking about God, did you?
Also, when God schooled people he said, "AND I SAID IT WAS GOOD, MOTHERFUCKER!"
Memorable Quote: Coach in China about his team: "If we all played like Shammgod, we'd be alot better." Fuckin' right, communist.
Ed Pinckney
Star of: 1985 National Champions and #8 seed Villanova
Career Highlights: 1985 NCAA Tournament MVP, near Double-Double average as 4 year starter, and the same name as a talking horse. (see: Mr. Ed)
Where You At? While Ed played in the NBA for 12 years with seven different teams, his success came after he retired in 1997. He was a broadcaster for the Miami Heat from 1997 to 2003, as well as their marketing director for a few years. He reunited with Villanova as an assistant coach from 2003-2007 and hired by the Minnesota Timberwolves as an assistant coach, where he resides at the moment. What can one say about Mr. Ed, besides that he led the lowest seed ever to win the NCAA title? Facing Patrick Ewing, no less, Pinckney had his shining moment while Ewing went on to win an NBA title and make millions of dollars, not to mention leaving pools of sweat in the biggest and greatest cities in America.
Memorable Quote: Spoken about either the NCAA Tourney or his drinking buddies about their families: “It was all about will and you just don't want to go home. They didn't want to go home, and we didn't want to go home.”
Kiki Vandeweghe
Star of: 1980 NCAA Runners Up and #8 seed UCLA
Career Highlights: Averaged 19 pts, 7 rebounds as a senior, 4 year starter, and predictably lame German nickname.
Where You At? Kiki played in the NBA for a while, having a mildly successful career before retiring. Vandeweghe was the General Manger for the Denver Nuggets, known as a great teacher of the game and a pretty good executive. He made a few bad trades (getting Iverson) and a few good ones (getting rid of Iverson). But, like in "The O.C.", relationships never last so Vandeweghe is now working as a special assistant for the Nets and as a motivational speaker (Dee sausage es no good en New Jewrsey, kids). Also, like girls at a slumber party, Kiki enjoys pillow fights, whip-cream bikini's, and applying massage oil, then giving massages to relieve stress. At least, that's what I'd think a guy named Kiki would be into. Or maybe Ms. Alba and Ms. Biel want to have a sleepover, order a pizza as I intercept the call, then get invited in since they've already had 4 margaritas apiece. (tilts head and dazes off.........)
(........)
(................)
(...................and we're BACK!)
Memorable Quote: Presumably after a player said something strange: "That's interesting. Maybe it was a Freudian slip."
Well, I've think we've all had enough of the underdog for now. Now we can all cheer for the favorites to win so that some guy who picked all the higher seeds can win your office pool. Other than that, I've got nothing. Enjoy March Madness and have a great St. Patrick's Day. Celebrate it like a real Irish person would: by getting so drunk that you don't remember one instance of the day. Slainte!
Jai Lewis
Star of: 2006 Final Four Team and #11 seed George Mason
Career Highlights: Four Year starter at George Mason, averaging around 14 pts and 7 rebounds most of his career, and weighing 275 lbs.
Where You At? After graduating from George Mason (maybe...), Lewis convinced himself that he was so fat, he could be an offensive lineman. He was signed by the Giants but was later cut when scouts remembered "oh wait, we just signed this guy for publicity." He's played basketball in Japan, France, Israel, and currently a different team in Israel. In another interesting tidbit, every member of the starting 5 for the 2006 George Mason Patriots is playing in a different country. Which basically just means they ain't great. But while Lewis is dodging holy wars, he can take solace in the fact that people will always member that fat guy from that year's Final Four. If they have a good memory.
Memorable Quote: Regarding some of his teammates in Israel having to bring their weapon to practice: "They say if they lose their weapon, they go from 5 years of military service to ten." Classy, classy stuff.
Ricky Paulding
Star of: 2002 Elite Eight Team and #12 seed Missouri
Career Highlights: Scored 71 points in a game [citation needed], beat Dwayne Wade in the NCAA Tournament with 36 Points, and lists his hobbies as video games, TV, and music. He's a real creative guy.
Where You At? Was drafted by the Pistons in the 2nd round, played for Israel, was cut, and couldn't make the Kings, who asked me to tryout last week. After that, he played for 2 different teams in France and recently signed with a German team. He plays in Oldenburg, Germany which is described as the hub of German agricultural industry. He scored 13 points in last game. Hey, it can't be all bad, he gets to live in Europe to play basketball and hit all those....ummm....decent-looking German women.
(Thank You, Lord I don't live in Germany)
Memorable Quote: On his opinion of Israel: "I had no idea so many people spoke English here. And the people is really friendly. It's great here." Wow. Breathtaking. (And no, that's not a typo in the second sentence)
Antonio Gates
Star of: 2002 Elite Eight Team and #10 seed Kent St.
Career Highlights: Averaged 20 pts. and 8 rebounds in senior year, Honorable Mention All-American, and better known for football, which he didn't play in college.
Where You At? Any NFL fan knows where Gates is at now, he's playing for the San Diego Chargers in the NFL. Unlike the aforementioned Jai "Large Fries" Lewis, Gates has turned into his basketball career into an extremely successful football career as a Tight End. Gates has set records for receiving touchdowns for a tight end, gets to live in beautiful San Diego, and does charity work. He stays out of trouble, too. So, he's perfect and we all suck. We get it. Well, he had to grow up in Detroit. So we're all even. But more seriously, Gates has turned a moment in the sun into a very lucrative, seemingly happy life. And he's the first player on the list who hasn't played for Israel. Good for you, Antonio!
Memorable Quote: "Say what you will about pro athletes holding out for more money. Most shouldn't do it, but you've got to admit I had more of a right to than anyone. I was only making $380,000 a year. That's chump change. I could make that playing basketball in Turkey, or in the Major Indoor Lacrosse League. The Chargers know they were wrong. That's why they gave me a new contract." So modest. Does the Lacrosse League really pay that well, though? C'mon Antonio, do some research before you open your mouth.
Don't quit your day job, AG.
God Shammgod
Star of: 1997 Elite Eight team and #10 seed Providence
Career Highlights: Big East rookie of the year, Big East freshmen assist record, and most bizarre name in the history of man.
Where You At? After leaving Providence, Shammgod played one year in the NBA with the Washington Wizards before being cut. He's played on two different teams in China, Poland, and Saudi Arabia. Currently, God plays for Portland in the IBL, whatever that is. I always thought God would be on a higher profile team or something, but I guess he wants to be noticed without anyone ever seeing him. Since that's what he's doing in Portland. His name, offensive to everyone but atheists and me, because I think it's hilariously bizarre, is actually his birth name. He changed for a while in high school but realized that, if scouts were going to notice him, he needed to change it back to God. I only wish I could have seen the look on the nurses face when she asked his parents what the boy's name was. Did you know that when he says "God damn it", he's actually talking in the third person while using a common curse phrase? That. IS. AWESOME. P.S. Shammgod wasn't even the best player on Providence, but you really didn't want to hear about Austin Croschere when you could be talking about God, did you?
Also, when God schooled people he said, "AND I SAID IT WAS GOOD, MOTHERFUCKER!"
Memorable Quote: Coach in China about his team: "If we all played like Shammgod, we'd be alot better." Fuckin' right, communist.
Ed Pinckney
Star of: 1985 National Champions and #8 seed Villanova
Career Highlights: 1985 NCAA Tournament MVP, near Double-Double average as 4 year starter, and the same name as a talking horse. (see: Mr. Ed)
Where You At? While Ed played in the NBA for 12 years with seven different teams, his success came after he retired in 1997. He was a broadcaster for the Miami Heat from 1997 to 2003, as well as their marketing director for a few years. He reunited with Villanova as an assistant coach from 2003-2007 and hired by the Minnesota Timberwolves as an assistant coach, where he resides at the moment. What can one say about Mr. Ed, besides that he led the lowest seed ever to win the NCAA title? Facing Patrick Ewing, no less, Pinckney had his shining moment while Ewing went on to win an NBA title and make millions of dollars, not to mention leaving pools of sweat in the biggest and greatest cities in America.
Memorable Quote: Spoken about either the NCAA Tourney or his drinking buddies about their families: “It was all about will and you just don't want to go home. They didn't want to go home, and we didn't want to go home.”
Kiki Vandeweghe
Star of: 1980 NCAA Runners Up and #8 seed UCLA
Career Highlights: Averaged 19 pts, 7 rebounds as a senior, 4 year starter, and predictably lame German nickname.
Where You At? Kiki played in the NBA for a while, having a mildly successful career before retiring. Vandeweghe was the General Manger for the Denver Nuggets, known as a great teacher of the game and a pretty good executive. He made a few bad trades (getting Iverson) and a few good ones (getting rid of Iverson). But, like in "The O.C.", relationships never last so Vandeweghe is now working as a special assistant for the Nets and as a motivational speaker (Dee sausage es no good en New Jewrsey, kids). Also, like girls at a slumber party, Kiki enjoys pillow fights, whip-cream bikini's, and applying massage oil, then giving massages to relieve stress. At least, that's what I'd think a guy named Kiki would be into. Or maybe Ms. Alba and Ms. Biel want to have a sleepover, order a pizza as I intercept the call, then get invited in since they've already had 4 margaritas apiece. (tilts head and dazes off.........)
(........)
(................)
(...................and we're BACK!)
Memorable Quote: Presumably after a player said something strange: "That's interesting. Maybe it was a Freudian slip."
Well, I've think we've all had enough of the underdog for now. Now we can all cheer for the favorites to win so that some guy who picked all the higher seeds can win your office pool. Other than that, I've got nothing. Enjoy March Madness and have a great St. Patrick's Day. Celebrate it like a real Irish person would: by getting so drunk that you don't remember one instance of the day. Slainte!
Speaking in Tongues
Sometimes, when people want to pretend they are someone else, people put on makeup, costumes, maybe even dye their hair. It doesn't take much for people to believe you look like someone else in the world of acting. But it does take something special to make the audience believe you are someone else. I always see lists of the worst accents (I think even I may have done one) but never of the best. I mean, it doesn't take a genius to talk with a horrible accent and basically mock the dialect you're trying to speak. But for a non-native speaker to convince you that they are from somewhere else? That's special. Maybe even sexy. I don't know, depends what accent I guess. But let's celebrate greatness in all it's glory. Today, as I take a break from mocking the rest of the world, I celebrate those who have perfected the art of the accent. And since nobody on the internet cares about anything before the 1980's, it will be the 7 Best Accents in Movies in the Last 20 Years.
As Fergie and will.i.am would say if they were together, Let's get it started.
7. Don Cheadle
Movie: Hotel Rwanda
Normally Speaks: Born in Kansas City, MO. Speaks American English.
Accent Used: French Rwandan. Think Devin Hester speaking French, but being a smarter person. (alert!: this is not being racist, Devin Hester is just absolutely the opposite of smart)
Do Work Son: When you make a movie about genocide, you obviously need to capture the emotion as a character. Cheadle, who has come a long way since gems like Hamburger Hill, captures the genuine fear of the situation while allowing people to stay at his hotel for free. Hell, if I knew they were having discounts, I would have been on the first plane to Kigali! (note: jokes about genocide are inappropriate and very rarely funny) Cheadle nails his French Rwandan like it's a free ride on the Hooker Express. There's no part of me that doesn't believe Cheadle as the compassionate hotel owner. I've never met a Rwandan, probably because it's like Africa's Rhode Island, but when I watch Hotel Rwanda, I feel like I knew how one would sound. Or something like that. By the way: I'd like it if there were more movies about Africa. Most people wouldn't, but I feel like there's an unlimited amount of cinematic subjects (or AIDS patients) to be found there.
6. Amy Ryan
Movie: Gone Baby Gone
Normally Speaks: Amy Ryan was born in Queen, New York and speaks American English.
Accent Used: Dorchester (Boston) accent
Do Work...Daughter: What makes Amy Ryan's role so impressive is that it came in a movie directed by Ben Affleck. in all seriousness...wait, I was being serious. Anyways, Ryan was so convincing with her heavy Boston accent that she wasn't even allowed on the set by security because they thought she was just some local woman. That reminds me of the time I tried to convince someone I was Irish in Dublin (read: it ended badly). Anyways, Ryan's drug addicted Bostoner sound like a drug addicted Bostoner. Seemingly without any effort. Ryan proves you don't always need the biggest name for a role, but the best fit. I mean, you really have to take yourself down a notch to even want to perfect the Boston accent. To lay it on that thick? That must take earplugs and a six-pack to even get through. Nobody knows why Bostoners talk the way they do, but it's rumored that a bunch of countryside Irish men bred with Fran Drescher. I love you though, Boston. Any predominately Irish town is good by me. But Ms. Ryan does well here to make you absolutely despise her, so much so that you don't even want her anywhere near her own kid. Her Oscar nom was whickad awesome. Come on, you were expecting it. At least it's not Jimmy Fallon saying it.
5. WIlliam H. Macy and Frances McDormand (tie)
Movie: Fargo
Normally Speaks: Macy was born in Miami, FL and speaks American English. Frances McDormand was born in Chicago, IL and speaks American English, Chicago style. We say "moon" like "mune"!!!
Accent Used: The "singsong" accent of upper Minnesota, which sounds close to the "Nords and the Swedes". (Nords = anyone from Norway, Sweden, Finland, Denmark or Iceland). It's kind of like a viking in a broadway musical.
Do Work...Kids: "Yahhhh?" Yahhh!! I couldn't pick which between these two because 1) I've never actually heard this accent and 2) they are both so convincing. They are also at both ends of the spectrum: a content, optimistic cop and a desperate, unlucky used car salesman. You can hear it in the "Yahhs", the "You betchas" and even the curse words that sound like a chipmunk inviting you to dinner. Fargo is just one of those movies where everything is so surreal that it's just so believable. I mean, how do the actors talk like this the whole movie without just laughing at themselves? I mean, no offense Minnesota/North Dakota, the accent is like an Australian broadway star who had sex with a French Canadian homosexual. Words don't describe it. Unless, of course, the word is "yahhhh".
4. Viggo Mortensen
Movie: Eastern Promises
Normally Speaks: Was born in New York but lived in Venezuela, Denmark, and Argentina, where he learned Spanish. Then moved to Venezuela when he was 11, then Denmark with his father, then New York, where he attended school, and majored in Spanish. Kind of like being born in Mexico, living in America til they were 18, then majoring in English in Mexico. Sounds fair.
Accent Used: Plays a Russian born character living in London.
Do Work Son: If you've seen the movie, you know how bad ass it and Viggo is in it. Playing a Russian gangster, there is the remorseless, yet hinting at a possibility that there is human feeling in the voice, which is basically what you would expect a normal Russian to sound like. From everything down to his characters mannerisms, Viggo owns his Russian gangster like you expect the Russian gangster would own at least 4 Ukranian sex slaves. But there is the "I'm so used to this by now, that I'll give you a heads up but ultimately do what I'm told" feeling in his voice. I guess you just need to see it, since that explanation is as helpful as a Farsi-English dictionary in Arabic. It's all in the voice here and when you can make me enjoy listening to a Russian mobster and even sympathize with him, then you've done a better job than Tiger at the Masters. Because I hate Russians the same way I hate communists. Russia is basically just "Communism on Halloween" anyway. Enjoy Viggo on Halloween, unless the English don't do that. And they wouldn't. (read: notice how I just insulted my two nationality rivals in one paragraph. horray misguided nationalism!)
3. Forest Whitaker
Movie: The Last King of Scotland
Normally Speaks: Was born in Longiew (very east), Texas and speaks Texas English.
Accent Used: Ugandan with a British influence
Do Work Son: It takes a real man to play a dictator. When you're born in Texas and have to play a man that was born in Uganda and spent much of life with the British army, good luck. Forest does a miraculous job here. There's not one moment throughout the movie where Forest Whitaker is not the absolute, 100% embodiment of Idi Amin, the Ugandan murdering crazy man. An Oscar winning performance that so deserved it. The accent is horrifying and not in a bad way. Horrifying in the sense that, you are really listening to a dictator. That could be the man that murdered millions up on the screen and you wouldn't know the difference between the two. To get down the vocal and physical mannerisms of another man from another culture is one of the hardest things to do for an actor, which is why performances like that are so often awarded. An English speaking Ugandan? I bet Whitaker could fit right in there, his accent is that good. Have you ever heard someone talk that sounded like he might snap at any second but is actually being really nice? Take that, and now you KNOW he's a horrible person but he's being nice. It's scary. And Whitaker's voice is scarier than Michael Jackson's to a 9-year old boy.
2. Leonado DiCaprio
Movie: Blood Diamond
Normally Speaks: Was born in Los Angeles so he speaks Liberal English.
Accent Used: Native Anglo-African South African.
Do Work Son: Degree of difficulty was a big part of my decision to put Leo in this spot. Many have tried to the South African accent, to no avail. What Leo does here is, not only does he keep the accent spot on throughout the movie, he nails the sounds and nuances of the South African dialect that sounds like a mix of Dutch, English, and Ebonics. From what I've read from native speakers, Leo's attempt is about as good as it has got. Does that mean it was a better performance than Whitaker? No, just a better accent. How Leo turned from a heartthrob to a badass is beyond me, but I'm buying and loving every new performance we get from this guy. The voice is of an unflinching, selfish and bitter native. Hearing his voice in Blood Diamond makes you wonder how Leo the Boy turned into Leo the I Want My Fucking Diamond Guy. Obviously, no white man (or any man, for that matter) that is born in Africa is lucky. And you can sense in his voice that not only is he from there, but he wishes he wasn't and he takes it out on anyone who gets near him. Never, dare I say, has a voice from Africa sounded so fucking beautiful, yet in a "tried to be too creative" language that Leo has down to a T. Whatever that expression means. Plus, this guy is sleeping with the SI Swimsuit cover model. (Side note: I wonder what a white South African woman sounds like during sex? Anyone out there suave enough to find out?)
Skip ahead to 1:30 on the video.
1. Gary Oldman
Movie: True Romance, written in the early days of Quentin Tarantino's career. (Directed by Tony Scott, my apologies)
Normally Speaks: Born in London, England but he has used so many different accents for movies, I doubt he even knows what he speaks anymore.
Accent Used: Rastafarian. Which is "stoner Jamaican" for the uneducated.
Do Work Mahn: Only in a film with Quentin Tarantino involved would Gary Oldman play a Rastafarian pimp in Alabama. One can only ask where QT get's his cocaine. When you have a man from London playing a Rastafarian, well, what can you say but "good luck, moron." But Oldman, as he does with most accents, nails it. The man has done every type of accent imaginable, and makes me think in his limited time in the film that, yes, he does worship Jah, and yes, he does smoke more weed than Ricky Williams and Randy Moss in Amsterdam. And seriously, not many people have actually heard a real-live Rasta man speak. Well, I have. I had to do a project on them in college, so I've seen and heard many videos with Rastas. Gary Oldman takes on the role of a Rasta with the absolute laziness and devotion that a typical member of the Rasta tribe has. But seriously, it's one of the those bizarre things I could talk about but it just needs witnessing. So enjoy a white British man playing a black stoner Jamaican.
I love QT. (Tony Scott is OK)
There you have it. Accents that defy logic, present and accounted for by the absolute sexiness that is this blog. Who knew a blog could be described as that? Not Adriana Huffington, that's who. I mean, what more can I really say? Do people actually even read these conclusions? How do I summarize accents? Some sound funny, some sound cool, all of them above are impressive. The end. Much peace and love from yours truly. Or, as they say in Compton, thank you for reading and good night.
As Fergie and will.i.am would say if they were together, Let's get it started.
7. Don Cheadle
Movie: Hotel Rwanda
Normally Speaks: Born in Kansas City, MO. Speaks American English.
Accent Used: French Rwandan. Think Devin Hester speaking French, but being a smarter person. (alert!: this is not being racist, Devin Hester is just absolutely the opposite of smart)
Do Work Son: When you make a movie about genocide, you obviously need to capture the emotion as a character. Cheadle, who has come a long way since gems like Hamburger Hill, captures the genuine fear of the situation while allowing people to stay at his hotel for free. Hell, if I knew they were having discounts, I would have been on the first plane to Kigali! (note: jokes about genocide are inappropriate and very rarely funny) Cheadle nails his French Rwandan like it's a free ride on the Hooker Express. There's no part of me that doesn't believe Cheadle as the compassionate hotel owner. I've never met a Rwandan, probably because it's like Africa's Rhode Island, but when I watch Hotel Rwanda, I feel like I knew how one would sound. Or something like that. By the way: I'd like it if there were more movies about Africa. Most people wouldn't, but I feel like there's an unlimited amount of cinematic subjects (or AIDS patients) to be found there.
6. Amy Ryan
Movie: Gone Baby Gone
Normally Speaks: Amy Ryan was born in Queen, New York and speaks American English.
Accent Used: Dorchester (Boston) accent
Do Work...Daughter: What makes Amy Ryan's role so impressive is that it came in a movie directed by Ben Affleck. in all seriousness...wait, I was being serious. Anyways, Ryan was so convincing with her heavy Boston accent that she wasn't even allowed on the set by security because they thought she was just some local woman. That reminds me of the time I tried to convince someone I was Irish in Dublin (read: it ended badly). Anyways, Ryan's drug addicted Bostoner sound like a drug addicted Bostoner. Seemingly without any effort. Ryan proves you don't always need the biggest name for a role, but the best fit. I mean, you really have to take yourself down a notch to even want to perfect the Boston accent. To lay it on that thick? That must take earplugs and a six-pack to even get through. Nobody knows why Bostoners talk the way they do, but it's rumored that a bunch of countryside Irish men bred with Fran Drescher. I love you though, Boston. Any predominately Irish town is good by me. But Ms. Ryan does well here to make you absolutely despise her, so much so that you don't even want her anywhere near her own kid. Her Oscar nom was whickad awesome. Come on, you were expecting it. At least it's not Jimmy Fallon saying it.
5. WIlliam H. Macy and Frances McDormand (tie)
Movie: Fargo
Normally Speaks: Macy was born in Miami, FL and speaks American English. Frances McDormand was born in Chicago, IL and speaks American English, Chicago style. We say "moon" like "mune"!!!
Accent Used: The "singsong" accent of upper Minnesota, which sounds close to the "Nords and the Swedes". (Nords = anyone from Norway, Sweden, Finland, Denmark or Iceland). It's kind of like a viking in a broadway musical.
Do Work...Kids: "Yahhhh?" Yahhh!! I couldn't pick which between these two because 1) I've never actually heard this accent and 2) they are both so convincing. They are also at both ends of the spectrum: a content, optimistic cop and a desperate, unlucky used car salesman. You can hear it in the "Yahhs", the "You betchas" and even the curse words that sound like a chipmunk inviting you to dinner. Fargo is just one of those movies where everything is so surreal that it's just so believable. I mean, how do the actors talk like this the whole movie without just laughing at themselves? I mean, no offense Minnesota/North Dakota, the accent is like an Australian broadway star who had sex with a French Canadian homosexual. Words don't describe it. Unless, of course, the word is "yahhhh".
4. Viggo Mortensen
Movie: Eastern Promises
Normally Speaks: Was born in New York but lived in Venezuela, Denmark, and Argentina, where he learned Spanish. Then moved to Venezuela when he was 11, then Denmark with his father, then New York, where he attended school, and majored in Spanish. Kind of like being born in Mexico, living in America til they were 18, then majoring in English in Mexico. Sounds fair.
Accent Used: Plays a Russian born character living in London.
Do Work Son: If you've seen the movie, you know how bad ass it and Viggo is in it. Playing a Russian gangster, there is the remorseless, yet hinting at a possibility that there is human feeling in the voice, which is basically what you would expect a normal Russian to sound like. From everything down to his characters mannerisms, Viggo owns his Russian gangster like you expect the Russian gangster would own at least 4 Ukranian sex slaves. But there is the "I'm so used to this by now, that I'll give you a heads up but ultimately do what I'm told" feeling in his voice. I guess you just need to see it, since that explanation is as helpful as a Farsi-English dictionary in Arabic. It's all in the voice here and when you can make me enjoy listening to a Russian mobster and even sympathize with him, then you've done a better job than Tiger at the Masters. Because I hate Russians the same way I hate communists. Russia is basically just "Communism on Halloween" anyway. Enjoy Viggo on Halloween, unless the English don't do that. And they wouldn't. (read: notice how I just insulted my two nationality rivals in one paragraph. horray misguided nationalism!)
3. Forest Whitaker
Movie: The Last King of Scotland
Normally Speaks: Was born in Longiew (very east), Texas and speaks Texas English.
Accent Used: Ugandan with a British influence
Do Work Son: It takes a real man to play a dictator. When you're born in Texas and have to play a man that was born in Uganda and spent much of life with the British army, good luck. Forest does a miraculous job here. There's not one moment throughout the movie where Forest Whitaker is not the absolute, 100% embodiment of Idi Amin, the Ugandan murdering crazy man. An Oscar winning performance that so deserved it. The accent is horrifying and not in a bad way. Horrifying in the sense that, you are really listening to a dictator. That could be the man that murdered millions up on the screen and you wouldn't know the difference between the two. To get down the vocal and physical mannerisms of another man from another culture is one of the hardest things to do for an actor, which is why performances like that are so often awarded. An English speaking Ugandan? I bet Whitaker could fit right in there, his accent is that good. Have you ever heard someone talk that sounded like he might snap at any second but is actually being really nice? Take that, and now you KNOW he's a horrible person but he's being nice. It's scary. And Whitaker's voice is scarier than Michael Jackson's to a 9-year old boy.
2. Leonado DiCaprio
Movie: Blood Diamond
Normally Speaks: Was born in Los Angeles so he speaks Liberal English.
Accent Used: Native Anglo-African South African.
Do Work Son: Degree of difficulty was a big part of my decision to put Leo in this spot. Many have tried to the South African accent, to no avail. What Leo does here is, not only does he keep the accent spot on throughout the movie, he nails the sounds and nuances of the South African dialect that sounds like a mix of Dutch, English, and Ebonics. From what I've read from native speakers, Leo's attempt is about as good as it has got. Does that mean it was a better performance than Whitaker? No, just a better accent. How Leo turned from a heartthrob to a badass is beyond me, but I'm buying and loving every new performance we get from this guy. The voice is of an unflinching, selfish and bitter native. Hearing his voice in Blood Diamond makes you wonder how Leo the Boy turned into Leo the I Want My Fucking Diamond Guy. Obviously, no white man (or any man, for that matter) that is born in Africa is lucky. And you can sense in his voice that not only is he from there, but he wishes he wasn't and he takes it out on anyone who gets near him. Never, dare I say, has a voice from Africa sounded so fucking beautiful, yet in a "tried to be too creative" language that Leo has down to a T. Whatever that expression means. Plus, this guy is sleeping with the SI Swimsuit cover model. (Side note: I wonder what a white South African woman sounds like during sex? Anyone out there suave enough to find out?)
Skip ahead to 1:30 on the video.
1. Gary Oldman
Movie: True Romance, written in the early days of Quentin Tarantino's career. (Directed by Tony Scott, my apologies)
Normally Speaks: Born in London, England but he has used so many different accents for movies, I doubt he even knows what he speaks anymore.
Accent Used: Rastafarian. Which is "stoner Jamaican" for the uneducated.
Do Work Mahn: Only in a film with Quentin Tarantino involved would Gary Oldman play a Rastafarian pimp in Alabama. One can only ask where QT get's his cocaine. When you have a man from London playing a Rastafarian, well, what can you say but "good luck, moron." But Oldman, as he does with most accents, nails it. The man has done every type of accent imaginable, and makes me think in his limited time in the film that, yes, he does worship Jah, and yes, he does smoke more weed than Ricky Williams and Randy Moss in Amsterdam. And seriously, not many people have actually heard a real-live Rasta man speak. Well, I have. I had to do a project on them in college, so I've seen and heard many videos with Rastas. Gary Oldman takes on the role of a Rasta with the absolute laziness and devotion that a typical member of the Rasta tribe has. But seriously, it's one of the those bizarre things I could talk about but it just needs witnessing. So enjoy a white British man playing a black stoner Jamaican.
I love QT. (Tony Scott is OK)
There you have it. Accents that defy logic, present and accounted for by the absolute sexiness that is this blog. Who knew a blog could be described as that? Not Adriana Huffington, that's who. I mean, what more can I really say? Do people actually even read these conclusions? How do I summarize accents? Some sound funny, some sound cool, all of them above are impressive. The end. Much peace and love from yours truly. Or, as they say in Compton, thank you for reading and good night.
Please, Stop It Already: Nicholas Cage Edition
Hey, yo, yo. What's up people? Today, I'm going to try to introduce what may or may not be a recurring element of my blog. It'll be my plea for someone to stop doing something that has become so fascinatingly annoying, yet they don't realize it. And seriously, to start with anyone in the world but Nicholas Cage wouldn't be fair to all the other people in the world. Think of this segment as me being Pontius Pilate, the subject being Jesus, and you readers being the Jews. But in a less offensive to Christians sort of way. I think Christians would agree about Nick Cage though. (Feedback on this blog would be appreciated, because I'd like to gauge how this segment reads.) Anyways, let's start the crucifixion.
Nicholas Cage
"Remember, Cher won an Oscar, so don't take mine too seriously"
Career Highlights: Adaptation., Leaving Las Vegas, Raising Arizona, Matchstick Men
Awards: Best Actor for Leaving Las Vegas, Nominated for Best Actor for Adaptation, Nominated for Worst Actor (Razzies) for The Wicker Man, Next, National Treasure 2, and Ghost Rider.
What Needs to Stop: Nicholas Cage has put in a few decent performances throughout his career. I mean, the man trained for his Oscar winning role impressively, by going to Dublin and getting drunk for an entire week. Or in Adaptation working with the best screenwriter in the business. Or in Raising Arizona working with the best directors in the business. More seriously though, Nicholas Cage is essentially making the same movie, over and over. Brief synopsis of all Nicholas Cage movies of the 00's: "Cage needs to save something, and do it quickly, or people will die. Quickly." The man has had an incredibly horrible stretch of movies. In the last ten years, let's judge the quality in sections to figure out what's going on here.
The Derrick Rose Category of Good
Examples: Adaptation, Leaving Las Vegas, and Raising Arizona. I was being generous with Matchstick Men, but include it if you want.
Common Links: There is no doubt that Leaving Las Vegas was, and will forever remain, Cage's magnum opus. Playing two characters in Adaptation, which I admittedly haven't seen in a while, he also does well. But in Raising Arizona, he's just playing a hick, which means growing a mustache and dumbing yourself down. The directors of Raising Arizona, the Coen Brothers, could probably get a good performance out of Vin Diesel. Is there anything that links these movies? Yes. They are all movies in which Cage's characters are surrounded by other actors/actresses that bring it and bring it really well. Cage needs help, or something, from his peers to bring a good performance. Hell, even in Matchstick Men he had the underrated Sam Rockwell.
The Sex with that Drunk Girl You Met at 3 AM Category of Mediocrity
Examples: 8MM, World Trade Center, National Treasure, The Rock, Con Air, Face/Off
Common Links: It's hard to blame Cage for any of these films, since most actors, besides a select few, get to be in a good movie every time out. However, some common themes are common throughout many, many Cage movies. Save someone, save them quickly, or they'll die or horrible things will happen. And seriously, World Trade Center was a bad idea, especially that aspect of 9/11. United 93 did it right. People just don't want to see a story like that when they see a 9/11 movie. And Cage as a firefighter? Yeah, maybe in Bumblefuck. Nothing about these movies is really inherently bad but The Rock has Sean Connery, Con Air has John Malkovich and John Cusack, Face/off has...well, never mind. Even National Treasure was made by his sidekick with the black hair and the chick who played Helen of Troy.
The Putting the Letters "Ja" or "De" in Front of a Common Name and Naming Your Kid That Category of Bad
Examples: Windtalkers, The Family Man, The Weather Man, Snake Eyes, Gone in 60 Seconds, National Treasure 2, City of Angels, Bangkok Dangerous, Next, and (assumption) Knowing
Common Link: The assumption that, in these movies, Nicholas Cage is on a mission to accomplish something and no matter who else is killed, what's destroyed, or where it's happening, it's the most important thing going on in the world at that moment. I remember watching "The Family Man" in high school, and I don't have enough hate for any of my teacher to try and think of which one made us watch it. I can surmise each of these movies in 5 words or less: Save Indian or Lose War, Don't Leave the Girl, You Can't Predict the Weather, Murder! Vegas! Conspiracy! Boxing!, Steal Cars Fast or Die, Save Your Family's Reputation Quickly, Sex over God, Remake of Mediocre Asian Film, Save Future by Seeing It, Next with Math. Unfortunately for you, I'm not even done yet.
The "Plan 9 From Outer Space," "Manos, Hands of Fate," and "Battlefield Earth" Category of So Bad, It's Funny and Sad
Examples: The Wicker Man
Worst of the Decade: it's like a car crash. Despite it being a terrible thing, people just can't look away. Movies this bad come around once every ten years, if we're lucky (or unlucky). Movies where you laugh at the serious moments, scary moments, love scenes, and just about everything else. A movie where, if you took a class of filmmaking, the teacher would say "do the opposite of this." That is The Wicker Man, Cage's re-make of the horror classic. A movie that can certainly be considered one of the worst of the decade, Cage's performance is so obviously mailed in from beginning that it's almost like he's saying to the audience "You're actually WATCHING this?! Thanks for the cash!" Here are some highlights of the movie: Cage yells at a woman at gunpoint to get off a bike made for women then rides away on it, Cage is attacked by bees, Cage wears a full body bear suit, Cage punching a woman and pushing around children, Cage screaming "NOT THE BEES!" "AHH MY LEGS!" "HOW'D IT GET BURNED x6!" and other various unintentionally hilarious gems. When an actor has a performance this bad and has won an Oscar...well, it's just hard to comprehend.
Solutions to the Problem: I think it's fair to say that Cage has turned into a one-note actor. It's almost as if he's mailed in his career for the paychecks that bafflingly keep being handed to him. When you've become the white Cuba Gooding Jr., you need a change. Go outside the box. Find a good project with a good script and a good director, and take a supporting role. Try it, they have awards for that too. Some actors (Clooney, Daniel Day-Lewis, Johnny Depp) were born for leading roles. You are not one of those Mr. Cage.
Another solution: Do some theatre. That way, barely anyone will see your work.
Please, Stop It Already: Nicholas Cage has 9 movies set to come out between 2009-2010. Two are animated and 5 are Action/Drama's. Cage is the lead in all of them. One of two has the potential to be good, but could end up being disastrous. Working with the talented German Werner Herzog might help, or maybe in a comedy directed by one-good, one-awful movie newcomer Matthew Vaughn (Layer Cake, Stardust). One thing is for sure: there's not an upcoming Cage film that can be the antidote for the box-office poison Nicholas Cage has become.
Nicholas Cage, stop making the same movie or I'll make you watch The Jonas Brothers' Movie 12 times in a row.
Well, now that the initial experiment is done, I hope you enjoyed it. There's many other people out there that are annoying the shit out of everyone, whether it be actors, athletes, or politicians. But we'll see. Like I said, I got ideas for blogs so obscure and so plentiful, that you readers should be excited. I'm really running out of things to say in these conclusions. Go out, use condoms, wear a seatbelt, don't eat peanut butter right now, wash your hands after handling reptiles, and get your pets spayed and neutered. If you want to, I'd feel kind of bad for the dog. Until next time, I bid you so long, farwell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye.
Nicholas Cage
"Remember, Cher won an Oscar, so don't take mine too seriously"Career Highlights: Adaptation., Leaving Las Vegas, Raising Arizona, Matchstick Men
Awards: Best Actor for Leaving Las Vegas, Nominated for Best Actor for Adaptation, Nominated for Worst Actor (Razzies) for The Wicker Man, Next, National Treasure 2, and Ghost Rider.
What Needs to Stop: Nicholas Cage has put in a few decent performances throughout his career. I mean, the man trained for his Oscar winning role impressively, by going to Dublin and getting drunk for an entire week. Or in Adaptation working with the best screenwriter in the business. Or in Raising Arizona working with the best directors in the business. More seriously though, Nicholas Cage is essentially making the same movie, over and over. Brief synopsis of all Nicholas Cage movies of the 00's: "Cage needs to save something, and do it quickly, or people will die. Quickly." The man has had an incredibly horrible stretch of movies. In the last ten years, let's judge the quality in sections to figure out what's going on here.
The Derrick Rose Category of Good
Examples: Adaptation, Leaving Las Vegas, and Raising Arizona. I was being generous with Matchstick Men, but include it if you want.
Common Links: There is no doubt that Leaving Las Vegas was, and will forever remain, Cage's magnum opus. Playing two characters in Adaptation, which I admittedly haven't seen in a while, he also does well. But in Raising Arizona, he's just playing a hick, which means growing a mustache and dumbing yourself down. The directors of Raising Arizona, the Coen Brothers, could probably get a good performance out of Vin Diesel. Is there anything that links these movies? Yes. They are all movies in which Cage's characters are surrounded by other actors/actresses that bring it and bring it really well. Cage needs help, or something, from his peers to bring a good performance. Hell, even in Matchstick Men he had the underrated Sam Rockwell.
The Sex with that Drunk Girl You Met at 3 AM Category of Mediocrity
Examples: 8MM, World Trade Center, National Treasure, The Rock, Con Air, Face/Off
Common Links: It's hard to blame Cage for any of these films, since most actors, besides a select few, get to be in a good movie every time out. However, some common themes are common throughout many, many Cage movies. Save someone, save them quickly, or they'll die or horrible things will happen. And seriously, World Trade Center was a bad idea, especially that aspect of 9/11. United 93 did it right. People just don't want to see a story like that when they see a 9/11 movie. And Cage as a firefighter? Yeah, maybe in Bumblefuck. Nothing about these movies is really inherently bad but The Rock has Sean Connery, Con Air has John Malkovich and John Cusack, Face/off has...well, never mind. Even National Treasure was made by his sidekick with the black hair and the chick who played Helen of Troy.
The Putting the Letters "Ja" or "De" in Front of a Common Name and Naming Your Kid That Category of Bad
Examples: Windtalkers, The Family Man, The Weather Man, Snake Eyes, Gone in 60 Seconds, National Treasure 2, City of Angels, Bangkok Dangerous, Next, and (assumption) Knowing
Common Link: The assumption that, in these movies, Nicholas Cage is on a mission to accomplish something and no matter who else is killed, what's destroyed, or where it's happening, it's the most important thing going on in the world at that moment. I remember watching "The Family Man" in high school, and I don't have enough hate for any of my teacher to try and think of which one made us watch it. I can surmise each of these movies in 5 words or less: Save Indian or Lose War, Don't Leave the Girl, You Can't Predict the Weather, Murder! Vegas! Conspiracy! Boxing!, Steal Cars Fast or Die, Save Your Family's Reputation Quickly, Sex over God, Remake of Mediocre Asian Film, Save Future by Seeing It, Next with Math. Unfortunately for you, I'm not even done yet.
The "Plan 9 From Outer Space," "Manos, Hands of Fate," and "Battlefield Earth" Category of So Bad, It's Funny and Sad
Examples: The Wicker Man
Worst of the Decade: it's like a car crash. Despite it being a terrible thing, people just can't look away. Movies this bad come around once every ten years, if we're lucky (or unlucky). Movies where you laugh at the serious moments, scary moments, love scenes, and just about everything else. A movie where, if you took a class of filmmaking, the teacher would say "do the opposite of this." That is The Wicker Man, Cage's re-make of the horror classic. A movie that can certainly be considered one of the worst of the decade, Cage's performance is so obviously mailed in from beginning that it's almost like he's saying to the audience "You're actually WATCHING this?! Thanks for the cash!" Here are some highlights of the movie: Cage yells at a woman at gunpoint to get off a bike made for women then rides away on it, Cage is attacked by bees, Cage wears a full body bear suit, Cage punching a woman and pushing around children, Cage screaming "NOT THE BEES!" "AHH MY LEGS!" "HOW'D IT GET BURNED x6!" and other various unintentionally hilarious gems. When an actor has a performance this bad and has won an Oscar...well, it's just hard to comprehend.
Solutions to the Problem: I think it's fair to say that Cage has turned into a one-note actor. It's almost as if he's mailed in his career for the paychecks that bafflingly keep being handed to him. When you've become the white Cuba Gooding Jr., you need a change. Go outside the box. Find a good project with a good script and a good director, and take a supporting role. Try it, they have awards for that too. Some actors (Clooney, Daniel Day-Lewis, Johnny Depp) were born for leading roles. You are not one of those Mr. Cage.
Another solution: Do some theatre. That way, barely anyone will see your work.
Please, Stop It Already: Nicholas Cage has 9 movies set to come out between 2009-2010. Two are animated and 5 are Action/Drama's. Cage is the lead in all of them. One of two has the potential to be good, but could end up being disastrous. Working with the talented German Werner Herzog might help, or maybe in a comedy directed by one-good, one-awful movie newcomer Matthew Vaughn (Layer Cake, Stardust). One thing is for sure: there's not an upcoming Cage film that can be the antidote for the box-office poison Nicholas Cage has become.
Nicholas Cage, stop making the same movie or I'll make you watch The Jonas Brothers' Movie 12 times in a row.
Well, now that the initial experiment is done, I hope you enjoyed it. There's many other people out there that are annoying the shit out of everyone, whether it be actors, athletes, or politicians. But we'll see. Like I said, I got ideas for blogs so obscure and so plentiful, that you readers should be excited. I'm really running out of things to say in these conclusions. Go out, use condoms, wear a seatbelt, don't eat peanut butter right now, wash your hands after handling reptiles, and get your pets spayed and neutered. If you want to, I'd feel kind of bad for the dog. Until next time, I bid you so long, farwell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye.
Yes, I Love Whiskey but it Tastes Awful in Coffee, So I Drink Bloody Mary's, and Answers to Other Inquiries
March is here! One of favorite months of the year, no doubt and one of my favorite segments of the blog is back. The Mailbag!
Q: What's more overpriced: Starbucks or Jamba Juice? Side Question: What's more delicious?
--M. Shriver, Los Angeles, CA.
A: While both are exceptionally delicious, Starbucks is by far more overpriced. You can go to the gas station and get coffee for a buck. It's 3-4 there, depending on whatever you get. Whereas at JJ, smoothies are usually pretty expensive anyways and they use alot of fruit to make it. Oh, and Jamba Juice is more delicious. The architecture of the smoothie is divine and more satisfying than a handjob in a movie theatre with your friend right next to you. Which is a little weird, albeit still pretty refreshing.
Q: Best month for an ethnic group: October for Germans, March for the Irish, Never for Canadians, or August for Eskimos?
--C. Sandiego, Riga, Latvia
A: Why don't you go ask a guy from Cabrini Green what his favorite type of music is? Of course I'd say the Irish here. The Irish aren't a very lucky people, which makes the phrase super ironic, so anytime the Western World (read: the World that people pay attention to) celebrates us in any way is a victory. One has to wonder why Germany is even a country after World War II, yet get a month to celebrate and drink their asses off while taking tourists for their hard earned Euros. And Canadians? Eskimos? Name one person that would want to celebrate either of those cultures. Are Eskimos even an ethnic group? Are CANADIANS? Should they be? All questions that would be better answered by a Canadian Eskimo.
Q: What would be a worse experience: going on a roller coaster while extremely drunk or sitting through a Tyler Perry movie sober?
--P.Gammons, Bristol, CN.
A: What compels a man to go to a movie theatre and say "One for Madea Goes to Prison, please" then hand over $7 to see it? At least the drunk man was too drunk to know better. I don't think even one Tyler Perry minute of one Tyler Perry movie could even be considered decent by a man who smoked an entire eighth of Hydroponic weed beforehand. I'd rather go on a roller coaster after chugging whiskey straight up and puke my brains out 6 times over than see a Tyler Perry movie sober, high, drunk, alive, or dead. Unless it was for sure ass from my date. Then maybe. (note: ass>sobreity, highness, drunkenness, death, but < living).
Q: What's the most disconcerting world event that is currently going on? Any solutions?
--J. Biden, Washington, DC.
A: Well, maybe you didn't know this, but Pakistan and India hate each other and have been fighting over this disputed border of the Kashmir region, a very mineral rich and valuable region. Both are nuclear states, while Pakistan is bordered by Afghanistan which is ass-fucked more than Jenna Jameson. Oh, and the Taliban have taken over a few villages in Northern Pakistan, with the U.S.A.-sponsored and trained Pakistani military not even fighting for it. So think of this: the Taliban with nuclear weapons in a region that is about as stable as that bridge at the end of the second Indiana Jones movie. But it's a solution you want, no? Here's a solution: there is none. The world is, always has been, and always will be a haven for violence, death, and all-around horribleness. I mean, if you walk past 30 people while downtown in a few minutes, chances are one is at least is a pedophile. This is why you hire a government: so you don't have to think about this kind of stuff. Because if you cared about every single problem in the world like this, you'd be flying higher over the cuckoo's nest than Jack Nicholson at a bachelorette party after he just popped Viagra.
Q: Fight to the death, you get one weapon that isn't a gun. It's against Kimbo Slice. What do you choose?
--M. Rourke's Dog, Los Angeles, CA.
A: Seeing as how one punch from Kimbo Slice would have a 97% chance of killing me instantly, it would need to be something that I could throw or fire at him from a distance, because if he gets 3 feet in front of me, I'd wet my pants and go right into the fetal position. How about a Molotov cocktail? Ya know, a bottle of booze with a rag sticking out of, which you set on fire and throw at something? Or how bout like a rocket launcher or a flamethrower? Oh wait, I'm going with flamethrower. That is by far the most sexy weapon. It's just like "I'm firing fire and look where it's coming out of. That big nozzle in front of my crotch." Yeah, that was probably too much regarding a question about Kimbo Slice. But a guy can dream, especially when it's killing Kimbo Slice with a flamethrower and going to the after-party a hero with a bunch of turned on women, when all you would need to say is "Hey, wanna see how the flamethrower really works?" to reel them in. Yup. I'm 22, still spoon with my three-foot tall Homer Simpson pillow, and fantasize about killing Kimbo Slice with a flamethrower.
Q: Has anybody heard about this "Money for Mercy" thing? Basically, the church says that give money to the charity and do your hail mary's, your sins are automatically wiped away. Isn't this buying your way into heaven? Is religion going through a recession as people slowly realize that the church is about money and keeping people behaved, rather than a real thing?
--B. Maher, New York, NY.
A: I have heard of this and think that people who actually would pay for it are really stupid. I think more people are slowly turning away from religion, but I don't think religion will ever go through a "recession" so to speak. People NEED to believe that there's something more. Not because they are dumb or blind to the truth, but because when people know there's nothing more, that's dangerous. There's no doubt that the church is all about money and although the people that have so much faith without any proof kind of annoy me, there's a part of me that really respects that. It's not the followers that should be ridiculed but their leaders, who might truly believe what they say, but the church is as much as a business as T-Mobile or Sony. I wish I could really, truly believe in the concept of religion. I do believe there's something but I don't believe in following the man-made doctrines of (especially) the Catholic Church. Does an atheist who does charity work, lives a mostly good life, and coaches his kid's baseball teams get into heaven over a Catholic who unconditionally believes in God, does charity work, lives a mostly good life, but cheats on his wife while she's at their kid's baseball games? I can't get into it but religion is a great concept that was put together poorly and never modernized. That's just my opinion and I'm getting out of this question before I get attacked by Texas.
Q: Taxing marijuana could save our countries economy. No one's talking about it. WHY?
--H. Lee, K. Patel, New Brunswick, New Jersey
A: Politicians don't like to talk about drugs, especially ones as delicious as marijuana. Get this straight, though: marijuana is a billion dollar (and I mean multi-billion) industry that is going to thugs and deadbeats (even I profited off it). If it was legal and taxed, people would be buying and smoking it like it was the 70's all over again. Marijuana isn't all that dangerous. I mean, all it makes you is hungry, tired, and full of laughter. Unlike even my first love of alcohol, which makes you beligerent, angry, noisy, and downright obnoxious when your trying to enjoy a doobie. Now, it wouldn't save economy. It would just create a few more corporations like tobacco companies that would find a way to cheapen weed to make more and more money. I never understood why marijuana was illegal in the first place, so maybe it's just me, but even cigarettes are worse for you than weed unless you smoke weed like 4 times a day. Trust me, I've had experience in both. And although it might make us an even lazier country (could you even fathom that?), weed could help strengthen the economy a little bit. Because even if people were running out of money, they could buy weed to forget about that. Just sayin', yo.
Q: Now that you're single, can't you be a little more crude? I mean, what's stopping you? Your blog isn't graphic or as boundary-pushing as it could be.
--R. Grossman, Nowhereville.
A: Fuck you, condom licker. You are quite wrong, I can't be more graphic when I'm single. When I had a girlfriend, crudeness was expected and tolerated so it was no problem here. Now that I'm single, any potential facebook stalker girl that I'm interested could stumble upon this blog and see what is going through my mind. Nobody wants to really see what's going through my mind, that's why there's not that many regular readers. That is in all seriousness. You see, many people think that no cats deserve to live but if a cat lover stumbled upon me saying that, I wouldn't get even a makeout from a 250 lb girl with low self esteem. So FUCK YOU and your love of graphic and vulgar language on a blog that is intended to be all ages. By the way, how's free-agency going for ya you cum-guzzling, ego stroking, sexually attracted to interceptions motherfucker?
Q: Isn't it a shame that a few weeks after the hilarious "I'm On a Boat" video from the SNL dudes, pro sports athletes go missing off a boat, meaning they "Aren't On a Boat"? Kind of ironic, isn't it?
--A. Samberg, New York, NY
A: Wow, that was a pretty offensive question but let me answer this with the utmost sympathy because nobody likes to see somebody die. On the other hand, the SNL video is rather funny and I wish there was more of that kind of creativity on that show. I really don't know how this is ironic though. If somebody went and saw "The Chronicles of Narnia" high a week before "Lazy Sunday" came out, would that be ironic? What about somebody jizzing their pants an hour before they watched the video? Or somebody giving their girlfriend their dick for Christmas the year before "Dick in a Box" came out? That's not a recipe for irony. That's a recipe for loneliness and extreme embarrassment, especially if the jizzing came right after you gave her your dick, to which she'd probably reply with something witty like "I can get my money back since it's barely used, right?" But that analogy works for the boat one too. It's lonely out at sea and it'll be embarrassing when they're in the heaven bar and Marilyn Monroe asks how they died: "I fell off a boat." Too soon?
Q: So Rihanna and Chris Brown are back together, even he turned her into an old catcher's mitt. Are there people in the world you feel more confused about than abused women who keep going back to the men that beat them? What compels such stupidity?
--I. Turner, Atlanta, GA.
A: I've never been abused by a loved one physically (mentally, yes. my dad is not nice), so I really can't say what would drive one back. Love is a powerful thing. I am confused by it, yes, since if my girlfriend ever hit me, I'd break up with her on the spot and never talk to her again. But that's just me. And it's easier said than done, I guess. But after looking at Rihanna's picture regarding the incident, it doesn't look like it was just one punch out of passion. Rihanna looked like she was Roy Jones Jr's speed bag for a week. I'm not gonna diss a woman for going back, just ask her why and scoff as she walks away when she says she fell down the stairs. It's the abusive men I feel are more stupid. They need to hit a woman to get off? They have to live with the fact that they are weak for men. Like me, but not literally. I'm just weak physically. So hitting a girl would be a double negative for me: it's the wrong thing to do, plus I'd probably get my ass kicked.
Q: If you had to name one athlete that wouldn't cheat on his wife (for the sake of argument, even if their not married in reality) for your life, who would it be? And why, of course?
--Hot But Desperate in Anywhere you Want Me to Be
A: Wow. By far the hardest question I've ever had to answer in the history of the mailbag. Let's say...Joakim Noah of the Chicago Bulls. Simply because he is so ugly, that I don't think there is more than one woman that wouldn't have sex with him for free. I mean, there are thousands upon thousands of guys who just can't have sex for free. (Take James Gandolfini, for instance) Life isn't fair for those that don't try hard. Or, in Noah's case, those that are born to a Hawaiian and a Hillbilly. It's science. The part of science that nobody cares about, but still science.
Here is a picture of the not so Love-a-Bull Joakim Noah:
Q: I just watched "Pineapple Express" the other day and had a question. What is the best stoner buddy comedy ever made?
--C.Chong, Encino, CA.
A: I'm sorry, I know there are those that just immediately think Cheech and Chong when they hear stoner comedy, but to me it's all about Harold and Kumar. Either movie, for that matter, could be considered the best stoner comedy. An Asian and an Indian smoking pot together, trying to go to White Castle to eat cause of the munchies, or Amsterdam so they can smoke and have sex. "Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle" and "Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay" both tug a certain heartstring of mine, partly because it made me want to be a stoner, partly because I was a stoner, and partly because weed is delicious and makes me understand everything they do. I don't care if the movies suck on paper, or on screen to the sober individual, these movies are keepsakes to me. Love 'em. Plus, I went through a similar adventure that they did when trying to get to Amsterdam. I had to connect in New Jersey. AND had a delay there. Talk about goin' through hell. They had attendants in front of each gate just for people that can't read. And there were LINES in front of those people.
Q: Say you were having sex for the first time with your dream girl. You never thought it would happen but it's going on at that very moment. Suddenly, her cell phone rings, she presses ignore. When you ask her who it was, she says "my boyfriend." You have 4 options: keep going and hope that she breaks up with him, leave and ruin your chance with her, ask her about him at risk of the sex stopping, or ask her (after sex) if your worst nightmare is true: "do you love him?"?
--A. Greenspan, Bangor, ME.
A: Well, here it goes. I know this isn't the misogynistic answer your hoping for, but I honestly believe that if someone's happy without you, then it's better they be without you. That isn't to say that I wouldn't finish having sex with her. Oh, no. But I would definitely ask about her boyfriend after. And I would never, ever tell him or anyone that would tell him about it. Yeah, I'd probably have sex with her again if she wanted to, but so what? Attraction can be more than just looks, and sometimes it's hard to ignore it, no matter how strong a person you are (read: I'm not strong). Plus, if she's your dream girl, she's probably hot. I mean, she's the one doin the wrong thing here. If she breaks up with her boyfriend for you, you're one of the lucky ones, but one of the few. Most people never get their dream girl, except in their dreams. That's why she's a "dream" girl. Those that do, anyways, tend to find out that their dream girls are different than they think. But who cares. Don't fuck with happiness, follow your heart. Or in this case, your penis.
Q: Has a bird ever pooped on you? Have you ever stepped in dog crap? Have you ever gotten hit in the face? What's the best age to lose your virginity? How much weed do you need to smoke to freak out? If you slept with your friends wife at their house while your friend was mowing the lawn, in the ass no less, would that justify murder? Where the frack is utopia? How long is too long for a girl when it comes to sex?
--L. Dolan, Mt. Prospect, IL
A: This is by far the most disturbing and downright shocking question I've ever received, made even worse by the fact that it's possibly from my dad. Oh well! A bird has pooped on me (on my way to church, no less. God was saying somethin'). I've stepped in dog crap, probably more than once. I've never gotten hit in the face by a fist, but I was hit in the face in 8th grade with a football being kicked off about 4 feet away from me and I imagine it feels something like that. The best age to lose your virginity is the day you go through puberty. Depends on the quality, but I'd say a gram, but it also depends on who you are and what kind of mood your in. Umm...yes. That is the one time where adultery justifies murder. But the guy who did it must have some big ones and that's an awesome, if not morally disturbing to the highest degree, story. Utopia is in my bedroom. I'm assuming you are talking about the length of one go-round of sexual intercourse. I'd think there's no way, depending on how hard your doing it, that a girl could feel good after like an hour, hour and a half. Not that it's ever taken that long for me, but it has and I'm bragging. But I was REALLY drunk. Which, by now, shouldn't be surprising since most of my stories start out that way. But Larry Dolan, we might need to talk about who your dealer is.
Well, there you have it ladies, gentlemen, and Mr. Clean, the March Mailbag is complete. Hopefully it'll be back in April for all you word loving kiddos. Upcoming topics to look forward to on the blog: March Madness, Blowing, and one other topic I have saved but can't remember and don't feel like looking it up. So stay tuned, cause it should be a good a month as ever. Now excuse me while I go read the Watchmen graphic novel. Cause I'd rather read the supposedly amazing novel for $13 than go see it in IMAX for the same price, at least judging by the early reviews. Who am I kidding? I'll still see it. I see everything. Anyways, until next time, I wish you peace and love!
Q: What's more overpriced: Starbucks or Jamba Juice? Side Question: What's more delicious?
--M. Shriver, Los Angeles, CA.
A: While both are exceptionally delicious, Starbucks is by far more overpriced. You can go to the gas station and get coffee for a buck. It's 3-4 there, depending on whatever you get. Whereas at JJ, smoothies are usually pretty expensive anyways and they use alot of fruit to make it. Oh, and Jamba Juice is more delicious. The architecture of the smoothie is divine and more satisfying than a handjob in a movie theatre with your friend right next to you. Which is a little weird, albeit still pretty refreshing.
Q: Best month for an ethnic group: October for Germans, March for the Irish, Never for Canadians, or August for Eskimos?
--C. Sandiego, Riga, Latvia
A: Why don't you go ask a guy from Cabrini Green what his favorite type of music is? Of course I'd say the Irish here. The Irish aren't a very lucky people, which makes the phrase super ironic, so anytime the Western World (read: the World that people pay attention to) celebrates us in any way is a victory. One has to wonder why Germany is even a country after World War II, yet get a month to celebrate and drink their asses off while taking tourists for their hard earned Euros. And Canadians? Eskimos? Name one person that would want to celebrate either of those cultures. Are Eskimos even an ethnic group? Are CANADIANS? Should they be? All questions that would be better answered by a Canadian Eskimo.
Q: What would be a worse experience: going on a roller coaster while extremely drunk or sitting through a Tyler Perry movie sober?
--P.Gammons, Bristol, CN.
A: What compels a man to go to a movie theatre and say "One for Madea Goes to Prison, please" then hand over $7 to see it? At least the drunk man was too drunk to know better. I don't think even one Tyler Perry minute of one Tyler Perry movie could even be considered decent by a man who smoked an entire eighth of Hydroponic weed beforehand. I'd rather go on a roller coaster after chugging whiskey straight up and puke my brains out 6 times over than see a Tyler Perry movie sober, high, drunk, alive, or dead. Unless it was for sure ass from my date. Then maybe. (note: ass>sobreity, highness, drunkenness, death, but < living).
Q: What's the most disconcerting world event that is currently going on? Any solutions?
--J. Biden, Washington, DC.
A: Well, maybe you didn't know this, but Pakistan and India hate each other and have been fighting over this disputed border of the Kashmir region, a very mineral rich and valuable region. Both are nuclear states, while Pakistan is bordered by Afghanistan which is ass-fucked more than Jenna Jameson. Oh, and the Taliban have taken over a few villages in Northern Pakistan, with the U.S.A.-sponsored and trained Pakistani military not even fighting for it. So think of this: the Taliban with nuclear weapons in a region that is about as stable as that bridge at the end of the second Indiana Jones movie. But it's a solution you want, no? Here's a solution: there is none. The world is, always has been, and always will be a haven for violence, death, and all-around horribleness. I mean, if you walk past 30 people while downtown in a few minutes, chances are one is at least is a pedophile. This is why you hire a government: so you don't have to think about this kind of stuff. Because if you cared about every single problem in the world like this, you'd be flying higher over the cuckoo's nest than Jack Nicholson at a bachelorette party after he just popped Viagra.
Q: Fight to the death, you get one weapon that isn't a gun. It's against Kimbo Slice. What do you choose?
--M. Rourke's Dog, Los Angeles, CA.
A: Seeing as how one punch from Kimbo Slice would have a 97% chance of killing me instantly, it would need to be something that I could throw or fire at him from a distance, because if he gets 3 feet in front of me, I'd wet my pants and go right into the fetal position. How about a Molotov cocktail? Ya know, a bottle of booze with a rag sticking out of, which you set on fire and throw at something? Or how bout like a rocket launcher or a flamethrower? Oh wait, I'm going with flamethrower. That is by far the most sexy weapon. It's just like "I'm firing fire and look where it's coming out of. That big nozzle in front of my crotch." Yeah, that was probably too much regarding a question about Kimbo Slice. But a guy can dream, especially when it's killing Kimbo Slice with a flamethrower and going to the after-party a hero with a bunch of turned on women, when all you would need to say is "Hey, wanna see how the flamethrower really works?" to reel them in. Yup. I'm 22, still spoon with my three-foot tall Homer Simpson pillow, and fantasize about killing Kimbo Slice with a flamethrower.
Q: Has anybody heard about this "Money for Mercy" thing? Basically, the church says that give money to the charity and do your hail mary's, your sins are automatically wiped away. Isn't this buying your way into heaven? Is religion going through a recession as people slowly realize that the church is about money and keeping people behaved, rather than a real thing?
--B. Maher, New York, NY.
A: I have heard of this and think that people who actually would pay for it are really stupid. I think more people are slowly turning away from religion, but I don't think religion will ever go through a "recession" so to speak. People NEED to believe that there's something more. Not because they are dumb or blind to the truth, but because when people know there's nothing more, that's dangerous. There's no doubt that the church is all about money and although the people that have so much faith without any proof kind of annoy me, there's a part of me that really respects that. It's not the followers that should be ridiculed but their leaders, who might truly believe what they say, but the church is as much as a business as T-Mobile or Sony. I wish I could really, truly believe in the concept of religion. I do believe there's something but I don't believe in following the man-made doctrines of (especially) the Catholic Church. Does an atheist who does charity work, lives a mostly good life, and coaches his kid's baseball teams get into heaven over a Catholic who unconditionally believes in God, does charity work, lives a mostly good life, but cheats on his wife while she's at their kid's baseball games? I can't get into it but religion is a great concept that was put together poorly and never modernized. That's just my opinion and I'm getting out of this question before I get attacked by Texas.
Q: Taxing marijuana could save our countries economy. No one's talking about it. WHY?
--H. Lee, K. Patel, New Brunswick, New Jersey
A: Politicians don't like to talk about drugs, especially ones as delicious as marijuana. Get this straight, though: marijuana is a billion dollar (and I mean multi-billion) industry that is going to thugs and deadbeats (even I profited off it). If it was legal and taxed, people would be buying and smoking it like it was the 70's all over again. Marijuana isn't all that dangerous. I mean, all it makes you is hungry, tired, and full of laughter. Unlike even my first love of alcohol, which makes you beligerent, angry, noisy, and downright obnoxious when your trying to enjoy a doobie. Now, it wouldn't save economy. It would just create a few more corporations like tobacco companies that would find a way to cheapen weed to make more and more money. I never understood why marijuana was illegal in the first place, so maybe it's just me, but even cigarettes are worse for you than weed unless you smoke weed like 4 times a day. Trust me, I've had experience in both. And although it might make us an even lazier country (could you even fathom that?), weed could help strengthen the economy a little bit. Because even if people were running out of money, they could buy weed to forget about that. Just sayin', yo.
Q: Now that you're single, can't you be a little more crude? I mean, what's stopping you? Your blog isn't graphic or as boundary-pushing as it could be.
--R. Grossman, Nowhereville.
A: Fuck you, condom licker. You are quite wrong, I can't be more graphic when I'm single. When I had a girlfriend, crudeness was expected and tolerated so it was no problem here. Now that I'm single, any potential facebook stalker girl that I'm interested could stumble upon this blog and see what is going through my mind. Nobody wants to really see what's going through my mind, that's why there's not that many regular readers. That is in all seriousness. You see, many people think that no cats deserve to live but if a cat lover stumbled upon me saying that, I wouldn't get even a makeout from a 250 lb girl with low self esteem. So FUCK YOU and your love of graphic and vulgar language on a blog that is intended to be all ages. By the way, how's free-agency going for ya you cum-guzzling, ego stroking, sexually attracted to interceptions motherfucker?
Q: Isn't it a shame that a few weeks after the hilarious "I'm On a Boat" video from the SNL dudes, pro sports athletes go missing off a boat, meaning they "Aren't On a Boat"? Kind of ironic, isn't it?
--A. Samberg, New York, NY
A: Wow, that was a pretty offensive question but let me answer this with the utmost sympathy because nobody likes to see somebody die. On the other hand, the SNL video is rather funny and I wish there was more of that kind of creativity on that show. I really don't know how this is ironic though. If somebody went and saw "The Chronicles of Narnia" high a week before "Lazy Sunday" came out, would that be ironic? What about somebody jizzing their pants an hour before they watched the video? Or somebody giving their girlfriend their dick for Christmas the year before "Dick in a Box" came out? That's not a recipe for irony. That's a recipe for loneliness and extreme embarrassment, especially if the jizzing came right after you gave her your dick, to which she'd probably reply with something witty like "I can get my money back since it's barely used, right?" But that analogy works for the boat one too. It's lonely out at sea and it'll be embarrassing when they're in the heaven bar and Marilyn Monroe asks how they died: "I fell off a boat." Too soon?
Q: So Rihanna and Chris Brown are back together, even he turned her into an old catcher's mitt. Are there people in the world you feel more confused about than abused women who keep going back to the men that beat them? What compels such stupidity?
--I. Turner, Atlanta, GA.
A: I've never been abused by a loved one physically (mentally, yes. my dad is not nice), so I really can't say what would drive one back. Love is a powerful thing. I am confused by it, yes, since if my girlfriend ever hit me, I'd break up with her on the spot and never talk to her again. But that's just me. And it's easier said than done, I guess. But after looking at Rihanna's picture regarding the incident, it doesn't look like it was just one punch out of passion. Rihanna looked like she was Roy Jones Jr's speed bag for a week. I'm not gonna diss a woman for going back, just ask her why and scoff as she walks away when she says she fell down the stairs. It's the abusive men I feel are more stupid. They need to hit a woman to get off? They have to live with the fact that they are weak for men. Like me, but not literally. I'm just weak physically. So hitting a girl would be a double negative for me: it's the wrong thing to do, plus I'd probably get my ass kicked.
Q: If you had to name one athlete that wouldn't cheat on his wife (for the sake of argument, even if their not married in reality) for your life, who would it be? And why, of course?
--Hot But Desperate in Anywhere you Want Me to Be
A: Wow. By far the hardest question I've ever had to answer in the history of the mailbag. Let's say...Joakim Noah of the Chicago Bulls. Simply because he is so ugly, that I don't think there is more than one woman that wouldn't have sex with him for free. I mean, there are thousands upon thousands of guys who just can't have sex for free. (Take James Gandolfini, for instance) Life isn't fair for those that don't try hard. Or, in Noah's case, those that are born to a Hawaiian and a Hillbilly. It's science. The part of science that nobody cares about, but still science.
Here is a picture of the not so Love-a-Bull Joakim Noah:
Q: I just watched "Pineapple Express" the other day and had a question. What is the best stoner buddy comedy ever made?
--C.Chong, Encino, CA.
A: I'm sorry, I know there are those that just immediately think Cheech and Chong when they hear stoner comedy, but to me it's all about Harold and Kumar. Either movie, for that matter, could be considered the best stoner comedy. An Asian and an Indian smoking pot together, trying to go to White Castle to eat cause of the munchies, or Amsterdam so they can smoke and have sex. "Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle" and "Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay" both tug a certain heartstring of mine, partly because it made me want to be a stoner, partly because I was a stoner, and partly because weed is delicious and makes me understand everything they do. I don't care if the movies suck on paper, or on screen to the sober individual, these movies are keepsakes to me. Love 'em. Plus, I went through a similar adventure that they did when trying to get to Amsterdam. I had to connect in New Jersey. AND had a delay there. Talk about goin' through hell. They had attendants in front of each gate just for people that can't read. And there were LINES in front of those people.
Q: Say you were having sex for the first time with your dream girl. You never thought it would happen but it's going on at that very moment. Suddenly, her cell phone rings, she presses ignore. When you ask her who it was, she says "my boyfriend." You have 4 options: keep going and hope that she breaks up with him, leave and ruin your chance with her, ask her about him at risk of the sex stopping, or ask her (after sex) if your worst nightmare is true: "do you love him?"?
--A. Greenspan, Bangor, ME.
A: Well, here it goes. I know this isn't the misogynistic answer your hoping for, but I honestly believe that if someone's happy without you, then it's better they be without you. That isn't to say that I wouldn't finish having sex with her. Oh, no. But I would definitely ask about her boyfriend after. And I would never, ever tell him or anyone that would tell him about it. Yeah, I'd probably have sex with her again if she wanted to, but so what? Attraction can be more than just looks, and sometimes it's hard to ignore it, no matter how strong a person you are (read: I'm not strong). Plus, if she's your dream girl, she's probably hot. I mean, she's the one doin the wrong thing here. If she breaks up with her boyfriend for you, you're one of the lucky ones, but one of the few. Most people never get their dream girl, except in their dreams. That's why she's a "dream" girl. Those that do, anyways, tend to find out that their dream girls are different than they think. But who cares. Don't fuck with happiness, follow your heart. Or in this case, your penis.
Q: Has a bird ever pooped on you? Have you ever stepped in dog crap? Have you ever gotten hit in the face? What's the best age to lose your virginity? How much weed do you need to smoke to freak out? If you slept with your friends wife at their house while your friend was mowing the lawn, in the ass no less, would that justify murder? Where the frack is utopia? How long is too long for a girl when it comes to sex?
--L. Dolan, Mt. Prospect, IL
A: This is by far the most disturbing and downright shocking question I've ever received, made even worse by the fact that it's possibly from my dad. Oh well! A bird has pooped on me (on my way to church, no less. God was saying somethin'). I've stepped in dog crap, probably more than once. I've never gotten hit in the face by a fist, but I was hit in the face in 8th grade with a football being kicked off about 4 feet away from me and I imagine it feels something like that. The best age to lose your virginity is the day you go through puberty. Depends on the quality, but I'd say a gram, but it also depends on who you are and what kind of mood your in. Umm...yes. That is the one time where adultery justifies murder. But the guy who did it must have some big ones and that's an awesome, if not morally disturbing to the highest degree, story. Utopia is in my bedroom. I'm assuming you are talking about the length of one go-round of sexual intercourse. I'd think there's no way, depending on how hard your doing it, that a girl could feel good after like an hour, hour and a half. Not that it's ever taken that long for me, but it has and I'm bragging. But I was REALLY drunk. Which, by now, shouldn't be surprising since most of my stories start out that way. But Larry Dolan, we might need to talk about who your dealer is.
Well, there you have it ladies, gentlemen, and Mr. Clean, the March Mailbag is complete. Hopefully it'll be back in April for all you word loving kiddos. Upcoming topics to look forward to on the blog: March Madness, Blowing, and one other topic I have saved but can't remember and don't feel like looking it up. So stay tuned, cause it should be a good a month as ever. Now excuse me while I go read the Watchmen graphic novel. Cause I'd rather read the supposedly amazing novel for $13 than go see it in IMAX for the same price, at least judging by the early reviews. Who am I kidding? I'll still see it. I see everything. Anyways, until next time, I wish you peace and love!
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