Yes, I Know It's April Fools Day But I'm Not In the Mood to Fool You. Or Am I? and Other Solved Mind Puzzles: The April Mailbag

Another month, another mailbag. When you have nothing else to depend on, the mailbag will always be there at the beginning of the month to give you some disturbing escapism. So as I take a break from losing bets to my girlfriend and preparing for my Irish Conquest of London next week, I present you with your favorite segment: The April Mailbag. WELCOME TO THE SHIT!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I'VE HAD TOO MUCH RED BULL

Q: Is Easter the worst holiday of the year once you age? I mean, after a while the baskets and eggs get lame. And a giant bunny? Come on!
--B. Manumaleuna, Chicago, IL
A: Easter is a rather lame holiday, but that doesn't mean it can't be fun. After all, it's prime time for brunch. And only losers hate brunch. Although church is quite boring to go to....I guess there is no although. That's all I got.

Q: Any predictions for the Cubs this year?
--T. Hatcher, Wistoria Lane, SpellCheckDoesn'tCoverFakeStreetNames.
A: Yes, I predict that for every loss I will lose 20 minutes off my life due to unnecessary stress. So that's 1,600 minutes off my life. That's my prediction. Do the math. Or don't.

Q: If there was a global apocalypse, and you could only save one brewery or liquor distillery, what would be? Also, what animal would you most want to assist you on your post-apocalyptic journey?
--K. Powers, HBO
A: Well, if there's only gonna be one, it's gonna be liquor. After all, there's not gonna be any sex, no new TV episodes, no sports, no nothing. You're gonna wanna get loaded..alot. And whiskey will always do the trick quite nicely. Give me the Jameson brewery open and I say Happy Apocalypse! As for the animal, monkey is never the wrong answer. But if you could train a cheetah, that'd be awesome. You wouldn't even need a car! But if there's an apocalypse and I'm the last man standing, then god hates you all.

Q: What is the socially acceptable protocol for drinking on an airplane?
--J. Garcia, Montpellier, Vermont
A: This depends on many factors. Are you alone? With kids? Are you going on vacation? I say if you're on vacation without kids, then divide the number of hours your flight is in half. Maybe add one. Hell, you're on vacay, why's there a limit? Go wild, I say. If you are with kids though, just be sneaky about it. You don't want to look like a bad example or anything.

Q: Why do girls hate anal sex so much? What did anal sex ever do to them? Gay men do it, so if girls really wanted equality, they'd do it.
--ABBA, Stockholm, Sweden.
A: Girls hate anal sex because they've been brainwashed. Brainwashed by men, who have made it seem disgusting to do it, als turning girls off. If men didn't talk about it like it was some accomplishment or anything, then girls might be more open to it. But no. This is one thing that porn has ruined. And let me tell you something about porn: it's good. I mean, if the internet shut down, what would be the first thing you'd think of? "WHERE'S THE PORN GONE?!?!"

Q: All I hear is "Tiger Woods apologizes for this, Tiger Woods apologizes for that." I could give two shits about your apology. Why's he apologizing to me for banging other women? Eff that. I wanna know how he did it! How can you balance that many women for that long? Most men fail trying to balance two!
--V. Hudgens, Disneyland.
A: He's apologizing because the media is one crazy feeding frenzy pouncing and he wants them to go away. As for how he balanced that many women, who knows. The dude won the Masters on one leg. I'm sure balancing ho's wasn't too hard compared to that. Also: He has lots of money.

Q: What's a bigger faux pas: drunkenly hooking up with the boss' daughter at the company Christmas party or drunkenly hooking up with his son at the company Christmas party?
--R. Martin, Wrigleyville, IL.
A: Um. Well, you should absolutely never shit where you eat, so to speak. And that will have a double meaning if you hook up with the son. So go with the girl. Nobody likes poop all over the place.

Q: I've noticed a disturbing trend. So I've had 4 girlfriends in the last 2 years...and none of them know how to cook! Are women slowly refraining from learning how to cook food well?
--G. Foreman, Las Vegas, NV.
A: As more and more women turn to the working world, less no how to cook. This is indeed a horrible, horrible trend. We've all feared equality for a long time and this is the worst pitfall of it all. And with the proliferation of take-out places and fast-food restaurants, it's only gonna get worse. You know what else it means? More fat girls. Yup. This is what equality is getting us, men. Fat girls and Crappy food.

Q: With baseball/fantasy baseball fast approaching, what are the chances that your girlfriend smashes your iPhone against the wall? And couple that with the World Cup this summer, how is she gonna get through it? I'm asking for suggestion for her.
--T. Thigpen, Miami, FL.
A: Hahaha. Here's a hint: if she breaks my phone, I will turn into a Hulk-like monstrosity of epically angerlicious proportions. Here's what she can do: thank god that the Cubs play a ton of day games, in which she will be at camp. South Africa, where the World Cup is held, is 7 hours ahead. Which means most of the games will be at 2-3 AM and she'll be sleeping. But since I'm such a nice boyfriend, I'll set up Easter Egg hunts to keep her busy all summer longggggggggg. For instance, putting something on the top shelf. HOW WILL YOU GET IT? Well, that is the question, isn't it?

Q: What's the age where you stop buying beer based on price, and start buying it for flavor?
--B. White's Ghost, Heaven.
A: I say once you have graduated from college and have a real job in which you can afford good beer, that's when you should start buying beer based on flavor. Natty Light and all that crap should be left in college. Give me a good Guinness or Killians? Now we're talking.

Q: What are your thoughts on licking your own nipples? Do you?
Usher, Los Angeles, CA.
A: How in the name of hell do you think I would lick my nipples? Do you think I have some sort of bionic neck? If I did, I wouldn't be licking my nipples. Shit. I've said too much. As for you guys, if you're a female and you can do it, well by all means take advantage of the god-given ability in everywhere possible. If you're a male and can do it, well by all means take advantage of that, since you probably won't be interacting with the opposite sex much.

Q: In a car, what's better for car sex: leather or cloth seats?
--E. Hardy, San Fransisco, CA.
A: I'd have to say cloth. It's smooth, makes less noise, and allows for better maneuvering I would imagine. Leather would be all uncomfortable too, just for sitting on I'd imagine. But that's just my opinion. I'm just a boy...standing in front of car...wanting to have sex in it.

Q: When was your first sleepover and where? And why is pizza packed in a square box? THINK ABOUT IT!
--S. Lejman, Bloomington, IL.
A: Interesting questions with even interestinger answers. Pizza is packed in a square box because how the hell would you get it out of the box if it fit exactly into the box? That'd be anarchy! Plus, I'd imagine that circular boxes aren't too commonly made and are likely more expensive. My first sleep over wa back when I was 10-11 years old and it was with an old friend of mine, let's call her "Lindsay." Eventually we grew apart, but the sleepover wasn't the only first that night! She was quite the Mean GIrl. That was quite a Freaky Friday. I hear she's a movie star now. Good for her.

Q: Here are the 5 most dangerous questions girls can ask: "What are you thinking?" "Do You Love Me?" "Do I look fat?" "Is she prettier than me?" "What would you do if I died?" What are the correct answers to these questions, since men has failed to grasp the answer as of yet.
--P. Diddy, New York, NY.
A: Wrong Answers: "Porn." "You're so nice..." "Those jeans make your butt look flabby." "She's a swimsuit model, what do you think?" "I'd probably go after your best friend for some grief sex." Correct Answers: "What I'm gonna get you for your birthday." "Like Pooh loves honey." "You couldn't look fat if you ate an entire pig!" "You're the prettiest girl this side of the equator!" "I would kill myself." White lies keep girls with guys. (copyrighted)

Q: What is the absolute worst food/drink combo that you could eat or drink when hungover?
--J. Bieber, Cheyenne, WY.
A: I always thought eggs were the worst thing you could possibly have hungover. Ugh. Your digestive system already hates you. And eggs? Ugh. Couple that with a glass of milk and I think you'd be on a one-way road to diarrhea town. Poop joke!

Q: What's the one booze you've never had that you most want to try? Do you think you ever actually will?
--Z. Galifawhatever, Los Fransisco, Can.
A: As an avid watcher of Anthony Bourdain on the Travel Channel, his visit to Laos inspired me to want to try this rice liquor Lao Lao. It sounds like motor oil mixed with alcohol mixed with llama piss. It makes me all giddy inside. Realistically, I'll probably never try it. But hey, that's what I thought about my chances of having sex with a midget and that's happened. So you never know I guess!

Q: Isn't it too hard to have sex while both of you are covered in butter and oil? I think you'd be a slipin' and slidin' all over the place!
--J. Aniston, DesperationLand, USA.
A: What the...I believe you would sir. I'm more prone to Hershey's Chocolate Syrup. I don't care if it's on me or the girl or my ice cream that chocolate is going into my mouth PRONTO. Like now, motherfucker. Butter? What are you, a waffle? That's disgusting. (squirts chocolate sauce into mouth straight from the bottle)

Q: We all know vodka's the best alcohol for mixing....but what's the worst?
--H. Katrina, New Orleans, LA.
A: It has to be absinthe. Oh my god, there is NOTHING you can mix that shit with. It was made for you to taste how shitty it tastes No. Matter. What. Literally, google absinthe mixers and they'll say water. WATER?! Watered-down absinthe, hooray, now it tastes like watered down ass instead of just ass. But absinthe is a good time, ahhhhhhhhhhhh. I love absinthe.

Q: I was thinking the other day while watching (insert any women's "sport" here) that "these players seems drunk they're playing so bad!" What would be the funniest sport to actually watch with all the players really drunk?
--R. Hianna, Birmingham, AL.
A: Hahaha. That is a great idea. You'd want a sport that there could potentially be a lot of pain. I think football would be almost too much. Baseball would just be boring. It would have to be hockey, wouldn't it? People skating all over the place, falling down flat on their faces, going for checks and just smashing into the plexiglass. That would be comedy gold! Somebody spike the Red Wings' Gatorade!

Q: OK, Big Question Here. I was browsing the web, like always, just google searching flexibility for this physics dissertation I'm working on. I came across this picture
My Question Is This: How do I get my Girlfriend to do this?
--Some Guy, Everywhere.
A: God, I wish I took gymnastics. The answer is....you don't. Nobody actually gets to have sex with female gymnasts. It's a myth. A beautiful, sexy myth. Oh, come hither Nastia.........

Sometimes You Lose Bets. Which Brings Me To My Next Point: The Most Influential Stage Musicals of the 20th Century

Admittedly, I would never even think of writing anything about musicals on my alcohol blog. But after losing a ridiculous bet, in which the Goo Goo Dolls were referred to as a "Rock and Roll" "band", I decided that I'd relish the chance to tackle the stage. Why? Well, if nothing else than to prove that I can make something I know nothing about seem like The Second Coming of Christ in blog form. No Use in wasting time. Let's get to the 10 Most Influential Stage Musicals of the 20th Century Onwards.

10. RENT
First Staged: April 29, 1996 (First Broadway Show)
Shows Performed: 5,124
Influence: Besides "Seasons of Love" becoming a big hit outside the music, the cultural impact of Rent is substantial. Dealing with controversial themes such as AIDS, homosexuality, and being a snobby New York artist, it was controversial from the onset. With it's cheap ticket prices, catchy music, and taboo themes, it become very popular among youngsters, ushering a generation's worth of love for musical theatre that likely wouldn't have been obtained otherwise. But I will forever dislike it for influencing my Catholic High School to make everyone sing "Seasons of Love" at the end of every mass.

9. Les Miserables
First Staged: 1980 (Paris)
Shows Performed: 6,680 (not including revival)
Influence: This historical fiction wonder has spurned out popular songs like "I Dreamed a Dream" and "On My Own," which I hear are quite beautiful. Even though French people suck, a good tale of redemption is welcome as long as some French people die. There are no spoken lines in this musical, every line of dialogue is sung. How annoying would that be in real life? "Honey, I forgot the keyssssss!" The French Revolution is one of the most interesting topic in history, and the fact the a musical about it became so popular is quite something.

8. Hair: The American Tribal Love-Rock Musical
First Staged: April 1968 (First Broadway Show)
Shows Performed: At least 4,000, including revivals.
Influence: This one is quite the controversial one. It began the genre of "rock-musicals," used a racially integrated cast, and invited the audience on stage for the ending. It's hippie-counter cultural themes (Like smoking weed and not working) and music made it extremely popular in an anti-Vietnam America, even having a few of its songs used as protest songs. Profanity, sex, drugs, degradation of the American flag, and nudity? Count me in! "Hair" quite simply came out at the perfect time, with the perfect topic.

7. South Pacific
First Staged: April 7, 1949 (First Broadway Show)
Shows Performed: At least 5,000 but probably many more. It was hard to find an exact number. There were a ton of revivals.
Influence: I'm assuming this about the South Pacific island during World War II when they were getting capped and bombed and crap but I don't feel like reading about it. So what I'll tell you is this: it's the only musical to ever win all 4 acting Tony's. Most of it's songs have become worldwide standards and it is one of the best reviewed musicals to ever grace the magnificent stage.

6. Fiddler On the Roof
First Staged: September 22, 1964 (First Broadway Show)
Shows Performed: 3, 242 (Not including revivals)
Influence: Being a Jew in Russia is probably STILL tough, so I can't imagine it in 1905. Being one of the only ones on the list I've actually seen, and fallen asleep to, you'd think I'd know more about it. Well, the only thing I remember really is that "I'm a rich man..." song. But from what I read, it is one of the highest selling and best reviewed musicals ever. It's spawned a successful film adaptation and is known around the world. Except Russia, I presume. And any musical that supports anti-Russian sentiment is OK by me.

5. Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street
First Staged: March 1, 1979 (First Broadway Show)
Shows Performed: Including revivals, around 1,000
Influence: This thriller was interesting in that it's such a bloody, angry, but somehow catchy musical. I'm thinking that's how it got so popular. It probably has the best premise for any musical on this list, as murder, revenge, and characters with a great deal of mystique are already interesting. Throw in catchy music and you might just be onto something! Coupled with a decent film, Sweeney Todd is unlike anything else on this list and that's precisely the reason it's on here.

4. Cabaret
First Staged: November 20, 1966 (First Broadway Show)
Shows Performed: Around 4,000 (including revivals)
Influence: "Life is a Cabaret, old chum." Indeed. A racy play that wasn't afraid to delve into the issues, "Cabaret" was about more than just dancing. Set in Pre-WWII Germany, it's about a romance between a American writer and a British dancer in the Kit Kat Klub. Now, I've also seen this one, although it was a college performance, and I quite liked it. The music is snappy and perfect for the subject matter, and would be controversial for the 60s. The club plays a good metaphor for the state of the country at the time, and it really is heartbreaking at times. So...yeah, that's why it's here.

3. My Fair Lady
First Staged: March 15, 1956 (First Broadway Show)
Shows Performed: Close to 5,000 (not including revivals)
Influence: Many refer to My Fair Lady as "the perfect musical" and I'm hard pressed to disagree, since I haven't seen it, nor do I know a lick about it. Turning Eliza Doolitle into a lady captured the hearts and ears of many viewers, smashing box-office records and redefining the musical. Plus, tons of its songs have grown to be part of popular culture, as well as their own Wikipedia pages. Critics throughout the ages have praised it continuously without fail. My Fair Lady? More like My OUTSTANDING Lady! Ugh. Moving on....

2. West Side Story
First Staged: September 27, 1957 (First Broadway Show)
Shows Performed: Over 2,000 (not including revivals)
Influence: By far the most recognized and imitated musical of all-time, West Side Story is perhaps the most iconic musical there is. It truly brought about a turning point in American theatre. With it's dark themes, complicated songs and dance numbers, and, most of all, it's focus on social problems were extremely new concepts for the theatre going public to see. That's not even mentioning how popular the score of the musical was/is. Rave reviews and extremely positive audience reaction aside, West Side Story truly changed the way American theatre was done from then on.

1. Gypsy: A Musical Fable
First Staged: May 21, 1958 (First Broadway Show)
Shows Performed: 702 (not including revivals)
Influence: Through all my searches and analysis, Gypsy kept coming up number one. Dealing with the hardships of a gypsy trying to make it in the musical theatre business, it's a very American tale of trying to succeed in a country with so many opportunities. Some say it's American musical theater's answer to King Lear, which I've heard of so it must be popular. The staging and choreography are said to mesh perfectly with the musical comedy's tone and the score is funny, catchy, and written by two of musical theater's most popular and creative composers. It's tough, it's raw, but it's funny and touching. It's got everything musical theater promises for it's audience and performers, both as a metaphor and as a reality. Gypsy is a story of an ambitious mother fighting to get her daughters successful on the stage. And sometimes, the simplest, most direct metaphors are the most powerful. Create a successful pop song and you're a star. Create a successful pop song with a powerful metaphor and you're a genius. And Gypsy may just be the work of pure genius.

Drunk With Power

HIstory is a funny thing. What you read in textbooks or what you perceive to have happened isn't always the case. As history is most often written by the winners, facts and details are often skewed to skew future perspective. But make no mistake, one thing never changes, no matter how long the timeline: everyone wants the power. The ones that get it often abuse it to further their own agenda or just simply keep themselves on top. But history's most evil men often skew perspective. So I've decided to take a bit of perspective back. Here are Drunk With Power: The True Motivations Behind History's Most Evil Dictators.


Adolf Hitler

Mini-Bio: Hitler is synonmous with evil and the Holocaust. He was born in Austria, poor, and moved to Germany in 1913. His mustache is also a risky look, but he seemed to pull it off.
Years in Power: Was Chancellor (Dictator) of Germany from 1933 to 1945.
True Motives: Hitler killed a lot of Jews, as you all well know. His anti-semitism started in Vienna as a child, as Vienna was a hotbed for religious intolerance and racism at the time. Contrary to what most know, anti-Semitism and angst towards the Jewish people was already in high supply in Germany before Hitler came to power. It's just that no politician would say it--until Hitler. Hitler's popularity grew immensely and quickly. As the Great Depression hit, angst towards Jews hit a fever pitch, as the Jewish people ran most of the business that remained unaffected by the financial disaster that hit most of Germany's working class. With Hitler saying what the people were thinking, it was only a matter of time before Hitler had unlimited power and the Jewish people were being executed for the mere crime of just being alive.

Joseph Stalin

Mini-Bio: Stalin was born in Georgia, when it was still just a province in the Russian Empire. He is known for his careless quotes about genocide and having a very well-groomed mustache, as opposed to Hitler. Was studying to be a priest but was expelled for not being able to pay tuition.
Years in Power: Ruled over the Soviet Union from 1922-1953.
True Motives: After leaving the seminary, Stalin became a revolutionary whilst committing petty crimes like bank robbery, before moving up to murdering other revolutionaries. He was arrested and sent to Siberian exile SEVEN times, but escaped back to civilization every time. He met Lenin by overthrowing a newspaper editor and supporting the upheaval of the Tsar, then in power. He helped Lenin escape to Finland and was tight with him until he took power. Stalin was his 2nd-In-Command and when Lenin died, Stalin took power. He created a personality cult around him, tightened intelligence agencies, and started to arrest and deport citzens for the smallest suspicion of anti-government behavior. His forced crop collectivization caused a massive famine and nearly 15 million deaths. Stalin's rise and time in power needed no motivation--the man truly believed he was doing the right thing, at least for himself. Paranoia and ego was the only motivation he needed.

King Leopold II

Mini-Bio: Took over the throne upon his father's death and facilitated numerous building projects across Belgium through his mining and raping of the Congo Free State, now known as the Democratic Republic of the Congo.
Years in Power: Was King of Belgium from 1865-1909 and founder/owner of the Congo Free State.
True Motives: Leopold II was not the smartest man to ever take the Belgian crown. He believed it was essential to his legacy and his country's legacy to add overseas colonies to Belgium's rule. He established the Congo Free State, as it was rich in ivory and rubber, but the jungle terrain was unfamiliar and deadly. As it was already an expensive and debt-ridden venture, he ordered forced labor among the natives. Enslavement, torture, mutilation, and forced labor in the harsh jungle condition caused upwards of 5-15 million deaths among the natives, likely leaning towards the higher number. That was half the Congo Free State's population. His take over of the Congo Free State also influenced other countries such as France, Germany, and Portugal to mimic such tactics to rape and exploit other African lands. In other words, Leopold's drug was greed and the African people were the only ones to feel the negative effects, Leopold II dying comfortably and unpunished in Belgium years later.

Kim Il-Sung

Mini-Bio: There's little consensus as to the true origins of Kim Il-Sung (Father of now-batshit insane ruler of North Korea, Kim Jung-Il), he became president by being appointed by Stalin as a communist figurehead. He was "created out of nothing" by Stalin, so the North Korean people surely thank him for that.
Years in Power: President (Dictator) of North Korea from 1948-1994
True Motives: North Korea was poor at the end of the Korean War and Kim's hold on power was weak. He scared his people into fearing him by, like Stalin, purging some of its population and sending them to work camps or killing them, without even a dummy trial, which Stalin at least had the semi-decency to do. His purges of a large percentage of the population continued throughout his reign, to both quell the poverty/starvation overtaking his country and to prevent political dissidence. North Korea was/is isolated completely and without much help from it's allies, Kim Il-Sung used the little resources North Korea had to build up an army and live in luxury.

Pol Pot

Mini-Bio: Rose from a moderately wealthy upbringing to leader of the Khmer Rouge, the Cambodian Communist Party, due to his literal stupidity, as the group wanted to appeal to the uneducated.
Years in Power: Was Prime Minister of Democratic Kampuchea (modern day Cambodia) from 1976-1979
True Motives: Pol Pot was influenced by his time in France, where he joined numerous Communist organizations. He quickly rose in the Khmer Rouge when he returned to Cambodia and became it's leader. The group took over the government because of a disagreement over the price of rice. America's Vietnam campaign, which spilled over occasionally into Cambodia, gave Pol Pot increased support among the population. He evacuated entire urban cities to the countryside for forced labor to collect crops, as the country was sinking into poverty. It's said about 2 million people, or a quarter of the population, died in work camps under his reign. He forced large groups to literally dig their own mass graves. Pol Pot's motivation was to create a utopian society in which everyone was a peasant farmer, calling this "Year Zero" and his power was fragile, moving the educated, influential people from urban areas into labor camps, basically destroying the opposition. Paranoia and delusion were Pol Pot's drink(s) of choice.

Ismail Enver and The Three Pashas

Mini-Bio: Went to military school most of his life. Was a leader of a Turkish youth movement that successfully overtook power, as well as the leader of numerous military conquests thereafter.
Years in Power: Minister of War and Part of The Three Pashas, a three-way dictatorship in the Ottoman Empire until the end of the Ottoman Empire and his exile (1913-1918).
True Motives: Non-Muslim sentiment was widespread in the Ottoman Empire (Turkey), with Jews and Christians not even able to obtain equal rights. Under the military dictatorship, Armenians started to ask for autonomy and equal rights, and eventually unrest and massacres of Armenian civilians occurred all over the countries. And it was then that mass burnings, poisonings, and death marches were ordered with extermination camps set up to destroy the Armenian people. The motivation behind the killings were simply religious intolerance and ignorance, along with military strategy with Armenia sitting right between Russia and Ottoman Empire. Enver lived for military strategy and could care less about the lives of Christian Armenians that got in his way of Russia.

Mao Zedong

Mini-Bio: Mao was a poor Chinese peasant who rose gradually through the ranks until he became one of the most important people in the history of China and the 20th century.
Years in Power: Chairman of the Communist Party of China (Dictator) from 1943-1976
True Motives: Mao's motivations were the same as Stalin's: to create a country full of workers making the same amount of money and living equally. Mao had a much larger population to deal with, making it impossible to feed the hungry hard-working Chinese picking crops. Thus, famine ensued and millions upon millions died. Many assume that Mao used this to lower the ever-growing Chinese population and be able to feed, but it's impossible to know his true motivations. Like Stalin, Mao also had labor camps, detaining political dissidents, journalists, and anti-communists. Mao's case is the most interesting because, besides the 40-60 million that died under his reign, the more people that he killed, it's unknown as to why he became so paranoid. He gave his soldiers "death quotas" in addition to the mandatory killings he ordered. He formed a personality cult, with nobody being able to speak out with fear of death. Unlike other dictators, Mao truly believed he was helping the Chinese people create a better China. His true motivation was really to create a better China, and not for selfish reasons. Tragedy notwithstanding, Mao truly was one of the interesting politicians to ever live.

The Weekend Battle: How much is too much on the 1st Date?

The Weekend Battle is back for the second week in a row and this week we have a great debate between myself and my alterish-ego that writes this ridiculousness. Why waste any time though? Let's battle it out Mikel Dolena! How Much Is Too Much Drinky On the First Date?

0-1 Drinks
How To Greet Your Date in German(y)
The Impression You're Making: I'm too nervous to order more than one drink because I (a) really like you or (b) want to leave as soon as possible.
Too Much? Not at all. Although it might seem a little weird if one of you orders a double martini and the other sticks with water. This is what most people stick with. Why you ask? Well, the answer is simple: most people don't like being judged. And a first date is basically a job interview. "Oh you've got relationship experience? You have a lucrative job? That large bulge in your pants isn't an iPhone?" All common questions that one gets on a first date. Unless you're Amish.

2-3 Drinks
"High-Five! Wait...No, I'm Breaking Up With You."
The Impression You're Making: I can let loose a little bit and I'm subconsciously wanting a little bit to happen tonight.
Too Much? It's only too much if you're the only one doing it. Drinking on a date is a good way to get to "know:" someone. Also, it depends what you're drinking. Two or Three glasses of wine? Nothing wrong with that. But if you're getting two or three long island iced teas you might wanna re-think your strategy. However, if you really want something to happen (I'm talking about sex, people) you should maybe bring up something like "Oh, maybe we should get a bottle of wine? I don't know about you, but I don't have to work tomorrow! HAHAHAHAHAHAA!" OK, maybe not. That sounds a little creepy.

4+ Drinks
In Soviet Russian, Mail-Order Bride Buys You!
The Impression You're Making: I'm an alcoholic, a slut, or I just wanna get laid tonight.
Too Much? Unless you're having a first date at a bar, this is just too much. You are a loose hussy. A crazy ho. Me and all my bro friends look down on your kind. Doesn't mean we ain't gonna hook up later though, boo. I'll take you back to my place, we can put on the Kool and the Gang CD, maybe pop open a bottle of some of that classy Arbor Mist wine you like. Mmhmm. Then I'll call you sometime later this week. If I get time, I'm swamped at work lately, girl. No, that girl in the picture by my bed is my sister, not my girlfriend, don't be silly! We aren't kissing, you're just a little drunk. OK, you should go though. My number is 550-55055. No, that's not 10 numbers. No, I don't have an area code. OK BYE!

Fernando Torres

Drunk Real Time Pom-Pom Review: Bring It On: Fight to the Finish

Welcome ladies and men to the final real-time pom pom review. And we can all breathe a little deeper knowing that, although the Bring it On series is over, it still lives on in our hearts. I figured Id finish this segment while I still have time on my hands so let's get right down to brass tacks and watch some cheerleading I'm psyched. Drunk Real-Time Pom-Pom Review: Bring It On 438

00:00:00: It doesn't matter what I'm drinking since, when you're watching Bring It On 5, everything taste like dog pee. Not coincidently, I think my dad's girlfriend's dog that we're watching just peed on my bedroom rug. That's dynamite.

00:00:30: Hmmm Christina Milian is the lead. She's looking OK.

00:01:24: Stereotypical black people face off versus male latin gang members in a cheer off. I'm not joking.

00:02:09: Is it ironic when Mexicans wear wife beaters while dancing to "Lean Like a Cholo"?

00:02:42: More dancing. It could be worse, they could be acting.

00:03:12: Oh it's a dream and Christina's pissed her mom married a gringo. So cliche.

00:03:45: Poor her. She has to go live in Malibu. That's the worst.

00:04:40: Last day in East LA. Do white people actually marry latina women? Ay yay yay overpopulationa.

00:05:32: These people are making it hard to make fun of them by not doing anything. Do something.

00:06:15: Oh here we go. This guy does a head bob everytime he ends a sentence. I wonder where he got that habit....

00:06:49: Now they're going through security to get into class. I remember this one time at my high school, we all had to stay in line for a fire drill. That's kinda similar, no?

00:07:55: Latin people sure do have big butts. That's all I got.

00:08:27: A "cheer-wreck" and "cheer-ocide" is more like it, morons.

00:09:00: I think I could jump through those girls earings. OOOOO sexy latin music in spanky shorts. This rum is starting to taste good.

00:09:49: Hmmm yeah wipe yourself off girl. Wipe that sweat all over. Wait thats gross.

00:10:27: Broken spanish, so heartwarming as Christina says goodbye to beautiful Compton.

00:11:09: Pan out and we get a nice little view of LA. Or Salt Lake City, whatever they could afford probably.

00:11:59: I like her silver belt. So shiny.

00:12:36: This is alot sadder than the other Bring It On's. I know...shocking.

00:13:11: What the hell is this ginger doing here? Don't they know this is about disadvantaged minorities overcoming possible odds?!

00:14:00: Damn that girl is like really ginger. It's like they put makeup on her to make her more ginger. But how can you take away more of a soul that's not there?

00:14:36: Chrissy's wearing an "I'm so gangster" shirt. I think if you have to wear that shirt, you're as gangster as me when I had blonde hair.

00:15:11: Ginger's got a cheer cabinet full of cheer trophies. WILL THEY LEARN TO CHEER-SPECT EACH OTHER?

00:15:55: Three Jaguar's pull up in a row and the girls that get out....guess their nicknames....yup, The Jaguars. AND they're cheerleaders.

00:16:40: Bicker Bicker Bicker Wah Wah Wah. I can smell the menstruation.

00:17:30: Oh, they're Cuban. I'd smoke you, but that'd be illegal. Nope, that was too much. Terrible, Mike.

00:18:11: Preppy guy named Evan is wearing neon under a sweater with weird hair. My guess: closeted man-lover.

00:19:09: Label-whores. I don't get the nickname "Jalepeno," is that some sorta Malibuian thing?

00:19:55: Good point. Why DO people say No Offense then just offend you? Life lessons from the Asian nerd with a lisp!

00:20:39: Hydraulics leads to a sex joke leads to my second drink.

00:21:41: She gets to take a limo home? This bitch is mopey for a Cuban. Does that make sense?

00:22:20: Now the ginger looks ever LESS ginger. These makeup people need to fiiiiiired

00:22:59: White people dancing in yellow. At least Christina has hear cleavage hanging out. Why do latin people wear such annoying earrings. They're distracting me from her boobs.

00:23:58: She's gonna fall for the man-lover. Could've called that one. And Christina shoots a basketball like my girlfriend shoots....you know what? I'm gonna stop there. (Hint: I was gonna say pool. POCKET POOL! BWAHAHAHHAHA!)

00:24:59: Damn I need to get her personal trainers number. But how can she do all these cheers while not looking at them and being with them for the first time? I'll let it go, since the rest of the movie is Oscar quality.

00:25:49: Christina made the team and was named team captain. Captain of Latin-Boobville.

00:26:22: Anyone ever have Cuban food? I have a hankering for some Cuban Fish Tacos. (note: vagina references are always funny)

00:27:16: Hahaha the horn was a Mexican Hat Dance. But they're CUBAN.

00:28:01: No cheerleader left behind. That's been the plan from day 1, darling. That's why we let it go that you're all dumb.

00:28:44: A Dora the Explorer reference....can't go wrong there. (the sad thing is, I'm not joking.)

00:29:19: OK, you can't just put the word cheer in front of everything. Cheerbarasment? Look in the mirror, everyone in this movie.

00:30:00: A lot more cleavage and skankiness in this one. Hooray!

00:30:30: Sea Lions vs. Jaguars! I'd like to see who'd win....UNDERWATER!

00:31:01: That's not the only reason that girl dances with her tongue out!

00:31:29: That girl needs a tummy tuck. Oh don't act like I'm vain. 104 pounds is too much and you know it.

00:32:34: What's that girl complaining about? Christina is rocking it like T-Party. Is that a rapper? It should be. Think about it.

00:33:29: All her friends are moving into their Malibu house. Not stereotypical latinos at all. Next they'll be carpooling!

00:34:19: Shake what yo' mama gave you? They're white, silly Latins! You get butts, we get money.

00:34:55: How does this Cuban dude have sick rims/hydraulics and a customized license plate? Oh wait, he bummed some cash for gas. Back to normal.

00:35:45: I think man-lover and Christina are cheersexing. DIRTY!

00:36:28: Oh man-lover and the weird latino dude are bonding.

00:37:09: A latin bro? Can I be a white homey?

00:38:00: Pathetic, man-lover. Say something charming already and charm me. I mean Christina.

00:38:38: Basketball game. Cheering at halftime. Wait, I don't get it....why are the Latin girls from Compton at the Malibu school? I'll let it go, but only because I'm expecting big things from this franchise in the future.

00:39:44: Say what you will about bitches, they sure are hotter than nice girls.

00:40:30: Classic sea-lion vs. jaguar battle. WHO WILL RULE THE ANIMAL KINGDOM OF THE MALIBU JUNGLE?

00:40:54: The only time "This is sea lion territory" have ever been uttered in the history of cinema.

00:41:38: Chiquita Banana? Classic!

00:42:09: I just checked....this movie is 110 minutes! What happened to my mericful 90 minute runtimes?

00:43:11: How DO latin girls move their hips like that? Who cares. Why am I questioning perfecton.

00:44:00: Lisp Fried Rice is getting down with the Latin Kings. It's not racist if it's delicious.

00:44:50: I think Christina is wearing glitter as a top. What would your mother say? (Thanks for the free money, Christina chiciquita bonita)

00:45:48: Man-lover is wearing a fedora. I love fedoras. Their like the white sombreros.

00:46:18: Lisp asian is hot now. And I haven't even had any sake yet.

00:47: 22: You just can't be looking at people? This is stranger than that time I got lost and asked for directions to Anchorage and the guy told me to "Just take Lake Shore Drive 3 miles north." Is there cocaine in my rum?

00:48:49: Graffiti jeans! The new trend in East Los. Catch ON NOW

00:49:14: I never thought I'd say this, but that is one badass plant.

00:49:30: Hold your chest up. Take Christina's advice, all girls that are reading this. A push up bra wouldn't hurt either.

00:50:30: Christina wears alot of Abercrombie for someone from Compton.

00:51:01: And with a little inspiration, the reject cheerleaders are now professional dancers. It's a Malibuiricle!

00:51:38: A Cheer-gasm has made it's first appearance and it's because of a guy in pink. I mean....he's gotta love cock.

00:52:49: How is the ginger this pale? She lives OFF THE BEACH.

00:53:28: How come gay boys always get the hottest girls? Am I right, men?

00:54:22: Acoustic guitar? They should've just casted John Mayer in the role of douchebag metrosexual.

00:55:19: That is some epic bird shit that ruined a kiss. Thank god.

00:55:40: MONTAGE TO CHEESY POP MUSIC ON THE BEACH. WELCOME TO THE OC, BITCH.

00:56:39: Haha the United Nations. Cause they're all minorities. Hahaha.

00:57:23: Hold up, I'm tweeting.

00:58:30: Debate about Tila Tequila's nationality. Whore isn't a nationality, girls.

00:59:19: Bluetooth: still only for douchebags.

00:59:40: I'm switching to beer. I'm sorry, I"m just running out of my dad's free booze. And I'm pretty drunk.

01:00:23: Evil plotting.

01:01:31: Illegal cheer-igrants?

01:01:45: Man-Lover feels like Cinderella. My theory is holding more water than a 8-month pregnant fat girl.

01:02:45: Illegal transfers! The team is ruined. Typical sea lions! Always getting into near-extinction!

01:03:55: Polka dot dress. Really, ginger girl? You can afford better. AND WITH THAT COMPLEXTION! WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?!

01:04:49: Ginger just did a absolutely hideous impression of a Latin Robot Girl. Thank god Christina at least called out her dress. And a pop song by Christina herself comes on. How talented.

01:05:55: A Cuban sewing for free? Not stereotypical.

01:06:18: Ginger makeover! Guess what? You still don't have a soul beneath that makeup and yellow polka dots! I don't care how cute as a button you look!

01:07:40: Wow. Leather pants are really bringing out the ass in ass.

01:08:29: Tuck in your shirt with that tie, man-lover.

01:09:23: Lisp Fried Rice was going for sizzling. Only if there's shrimp that comes with you.

01:09:44: LADY GAGA PLAYS AS WE JUST DANCE OUR BAD ROMANCE AWAY FROM THE PAPARRAZI WHILE SHOWING OUR POKER FACES ON OUR TELEPHONES. Shit now I seriously feel like dancing.

01:10:48: I feel a dance off coming on I was in a dance-off once. I didn't win. I know, you're shocked like you're on the electric chair.

01:11:45: If this is a dance-off, what's a dance-on?

01:12:22: Drive by's and chickens. That sounds fun to me, I don't know why white bitch be hatin'.

01:13:03: Christina doens't like being insulted. I do.

01:13:58: Christina just broke up with man-lover. Better than catching him with a failed actor in a cheap bar bathroom.

01:14:40: You can't desert the sea lions. You've already abandonded the chinchillas and look what happened to them!

01:14:41: I'm not ever sure what that meant.

01:15:55: Beautiful courtyard montage. BETTER HOMES AND GARDENS FTW.

01:16:33: They're all quitting the cheer thing. Quitting is so lame. That's why you're in Bring it On 5.

01:17:19: Holy shit the ginger is going crazy with the latina lingada on the white bitches.

01:18:33: I tihnk they just took a limo to East LA, which is about as smart as taking a limo to East LA.

01:19:59: Too much latin music. I don't understand you, go back to your country, white power.

01:20:35: They're all-stars now. So what, I think Jon Lieber made an All-Star Team.

01:21:44: HOw does dancing in East LA help you dance like you're from East LA? Maybe if I moved to Cuba, it would help learn me to be poor. Wait, it probably would. This movies too long.

01:22:45: They all screamed something, but like Baxter the Dog, I don't speak spanish.

01:23:15: Is there a difference between dancing and cheerleading? Me thinks the movie dost protest too much! Sorry, I had to get a Shaekspeare reference in there.

01:24:09: Sometimes you just gotta pin Christina against a locker and kiss her, even though you like penis in your mouth.

01:25:38: Cheerchampionships, Day 1. Wait...there's more than one day of this? God, I hope my children are boys or fat girls.

01:26:19: Seriously, how do you get your abs like that? I used to do 200 situps a day and nothing. Whatever. (eats Haagen Dasz)

01:27:33: WHOA! Forever the Sickest Kid's song "Whoa Oh" is in this movie! That's number 4 on iTunes top 25 most played! Yikes I feel gay!

01:28:50: Toshiba latops. For your cheering needs. ugh, sorry, I'm really running on fumes here.

01:29:29: Hey they made the finals, go figure. And that host from Dancing With the Stars that has boobs talks to me for a second. Eh get a facial.

01:30:25: Lisp Fried Rice all the sudden is hot, limber and I wanna ban......ahhhhh oops.

01:32:22: I haven't really been paying attention because my Heineken was hard to open. The Jaguars did good though. What if one of them got in a car accident and had to drive a Mazda. Would they be the Jagzda's. ugh I really wanted that to turn into a sex joke but i couldn't find it. That's what she said! Haha there I found it.

01:33:29: The ginger's wearing glitter on her face....BUT I CAN STILL SEE HER FRECKLES EWWWW! (Jillie, tell Lucy I'm kidding)

01:34:10: Booty dancing is not chering. NONE of this is. It's just dancing and leg-spreading. Well, I have no problem with that really.

01:35:10: More dancing. If you care, I hate you.

01:36:00: I fast-forwarded to the end of their routine. Sorry, I'm cooking dinner too. I'm domestic like this.

01:36:49: Christina and her ghetto crew won it all. Hooray. Color me drunk. I can't really blame them though, it's not like the makers of this movie were like "hey some drunk guy is gonna real time blog these while drinking let's cater to him!"

01:37:45: That's a big ass trophy. Goes well with their big asses.

01:38:00: Holy shit they're eating Flipsides! Half-pretzel/half-cracker, how can you lose?! YOU CAN'T!

01:38:49: There's some Christina Milian music video but if you think I'm gonna live-blog that shit, you're drunker than an Amish person at Rumspringa. How the FUCK do I know that?

That's it's we're all done. That Asian is sure still hot. Jillie (my beautiful gf).....get this Asians number. What? I thought you loved threesome jokes.

Leo Messi

Cristiano Ronaldo