Drunk Real Time Michael Bay Review: Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen
More like revenge of the....eh, I got nothing. Yes, yes, since Transformers 2 has come out on DVD I've decided to resurrect this pitiful segment for a limited time. You know the drill: I eat junk food, get sloshed, and watch Michael Bay movies, not necessarily in that order. It's all-around torture (who I am I kidding? I love it). But onward with the tomfoolery! I am proud to say that I have not seen this yet and only sort of paid for it because I got it via Netflix. Also, I'm expecting this to be than Waterworld on Land. Let's shake out booties out on the dock and get groovin' here.
00:00:00: Today, I will be drinking Jack & Coke throughout the film. I miss Jack & Coke. We used to be such a great threesome. In fact, the only threesome I ever had was with Jack & Coke. And by that I mean I had a threesome with Jack and Coke, not two girls because of Jack & Coke. Ugh...it's so much harder to write an immoral blog with judges of character now reading. Juuuuuuuuuuuust kiddinggggggggg.......
00:01:00: You people that like this crap realize it's about toys right? Also, there are Mayans. This has alot to do with stuff I bet.
00:02:01: Oh, so the Mayans discovered the transformers first? Cliche alert: 1.
00:03:31: Nothing says awesome movie like a robot narrator. Reminds of those speech filters on the really old Mac comps.
00:04:56: Tyrese and that guy who played Tad Hamilton are pretty attractive males. And usually I'd wait until an hour and three drinks in to say that.
00:06:14: OK, the problem I have so far with this movie is that it's really stinky. What, you were expecting something profound?
00:06:41: Are those robots voiced by Chris Tucker and his gay brother Christoph Tucker?
00:08:16: Robots are fighting. How much it matters is up to you.
00:09:33: Shia's mom cries as he's about to leave for college. I remember when I left for college. My parents just told me "please don't fuck this up." Direct quote.
00:10:31: Dogs humping. So far, that's the most interesting thing that's happened so far.
00:11:31: Megan Fox sighting. Why is she talking? Shut up.
00:12:49: Everything in Shia's kitchen is turning into deadly robots. I think. I'm just judging by the music.
00:14:21: There's a war in Shia's front lawn! Reminds me of my 21st birthday.
00:16:19: Megan Fox is undressing. AND not talking. MMMMHMMM.
00:18:03: How could you be in a Long Distance Relationship with Megan Fox and not think she's gonna bang half the block by the time you're 40 miles away?
00:19:01: Just to let you know: There is NO plot yet. Still waiting. Oh wait, there's two black robots apparently and one's an ice cream truck. I'll have a butta pecan, yo!
00:21:28: Cheesy religious reference by Tyrese. Cliche Alert: 192.
00:22:59: "You're paid to shoot, not talk." Michael Bay: He Can Even Offend the Troops!
00:23:53: When you need a character to give a speech explaining what the plot of the movie is, your movie SUCKS BALLS.
00:25:00: The dialogue...ugh. Who wrote this, Bobo the Performing Monkey?
00:25:36: Popular Rock Song. Cliche Alert: 244.
00:26:29: therealeffingdeal.com. Why didn't I think of that? Oh, cause it's mentally disabled.
00:27:11: Pause. Drink NUMERO DOS, POR FAVOR!
00:27:46: Shia's roomie is obsessed with the media's cover up of the robots. Of course.
00:29:33: Shia's mom is high off hash brownies. OK. That's actually pretty funny. I wish my mom would do that.
00:31:12: Robot puking something down a pipe. Oh it's a bunch of little robots. How sweet.
00:32:22: Sorry, I'm not really paying attention. BUT SOMETHING HAPPENED!
00:33:07: College party with girls that are so hot they wouldn't even need to go to college. Cliche Alert: 333.
00:34:25: I bet this girls evil. Also hot. Lapdance. Megan Fox is waiting by a computer for Shia. I hate Shia.
00:35:01: "I was going to get you a tighter shirt." "There is no tigher shirt. We checked." Stuff you'll hear at a frat party, take one.
00;37:15: Either Shia's car spooged all over some girl, or my middle name isn't Francis. (Hint: it might be)
00:38:16: Plot update: none.
00:40:10: Normally there'd be more witty comments, but there is literally nothing happening.
00:41:01: Evil robot rises from the ashes of the deep blue see and quickly lands on another planet. LOVEEEEEEEE IT!
00:42:44: i wonder if these robots can go on Facebook like, in their heads. That'd be pretty badass. Also, I'm thinking of starting Colts Defense over Patriots Defense in fantasy football. Your thoughts?
00:43:44: DWIGHT FROM THE OFFICE AS A COLLEGE PROFESSOR! He just told a girl to finish his apple. And keeps flirting with the hot girls in the front row. "There are no questions til the climax." No truer words....
00:45:20: Shia just had a seizure. I know cause I read up on them when I started dated an epileptic.
00:46:13: Megan Fox is about to get invaded. And god, even the humor in this is more forced than a huge black penis into a teenager in amateur porn. ugh. too much visiual.
00:47:38: Some mini-robots stepping in mouse traps. WHAT A KLUTZ LOLZZZZZZZZZZ!
00:48:55: There is a Bad Boys 2 poster in Shia's dorm. (Another Michael Bay Movie) I think I just might punch my fireplace.
00:50:11: Shia just wrote hieroglyphics all over his dorm and the evil blonde that his car spooged on is coming on to him hard. Megan Fox is coming in. Broken up. OH THE BLONDE'S A ROBOT! Happens to the best of 'em Shia.
00:52:11: OK, if I HAD to get killed, it would be by a hot alien robot. Ugh I'm already too drunk to write. This could be fuN!
00:53:43: Trapped in the library! It's like Columbine with technology!
00:54:46: Megan Fox acting < Megan Fox sitting doing nothing.
00:55:55: OK. What just happened, nobody would ever survive. NO SCRATCHES! WHERE ARE WE, NARNIA?!!?!? FCK ME.
00:56:44: Shia's taken prisoner by some evil robot thing. He can cross that off his sex fantasy list.
00:58:19: I mean Shia's talking about relationships with the evil robot and I mean, that's a major turn off after just meeting someone. Right, ladies?
01:00:01: If robots fight in the forest, do people pay $9.50 to see it? Apparently the answer is: you're retarded if you did.
01:01:19: Robot dialogue > Human dialogue
01:03:04: Robots fighting with depressing sad music. Listen: this is the sound of me not caring.
01:04:49: God, Shia's mom is such a unhot mess.
01:06:13: Tanker just got destroyed. How is there an hour an twenty minutes left? Fuck me running.
01:07:08: Watching this in Blu-Ray makes me want to destroy my Blu-Ray player.
01:08:55: News reports about what just happened. You know, this movie could've been 3 minutes shorter without this.
01:10:00: Racist robots are back. I mean, they aren't even really trying to be racially alright. They are just straight up stereotypes. Might as well be carrying some KFC and Watermelon.
01:12:09: YOU DIDN'T JUST DO TYRESE LIKE THAT!
01:13:25: FILLER FILLER FILLER FILLER FILLER FILLER FILLER. See, I can do it too, Michael Bay.
01:14:29: If I were a racist robot, I'd totally be sippin' on Hen and Patron.
01:15:48: John Turtorro owns a Jewish delicasttesian. I wish someone would take me to a Jewish deli....just saying.
01:16:43: DUDE'S GOT BAGEL'S TO SCHMEAR!
01:17:22: Secret hideout underneath the Jewish deli. Anti-Jewish conspiracy theorist ammuniation, take four.
01:18:44: Their using words and phrases I'm supposed to know but don't. Hey, I could lie and say I know what I'm doing but then I'd be Michael Bay.
01:20:28: No, that dude's ass does not look better in Blu-Ray.
01:21:32: That guy just tasered someone without his pants on. Is that a worse crime than doing it WITH your pants on?
01:22:40: Megan Fox running to dramatic music. I wonder if that happens like, in her real life.
01:24:00: That can't be a old British transformer. S-T-E-R-E-O-T-Y-P-E. LAZY ASS MOVIE FUCKERS.
01:25:49: Did that robot really just fart or am I THAT drunk?
01:27:19: Megan Fox just landed on that guys testicles. Am I joking? Clearly, I'm not.
01:29:10: I hate this movie so much, I almost want to cry, die, or throw up. ROBO FLASHBACK! You know that show Bored to Death? I feel like they were thinking of titles for it while watching this.
01:32:40: Megan Fox in a birka. Racism, keep it coming!
01:33:49: Where are these guys, Islam?
01:34:49: OK, has Michael Bay ever seen another race besides white? Hahaha this guys really short. If he were a girl, that would turn me on.
01:36:38: Bangage = imminent. And Megan Fox is involved. I know, I almost put it on pause too.
01:38:02: Their looking at Orion's belt. Someone exploring some un-hetero feelings, Shia?
01:39:22: Tyrese, Tad Hamilton, and some nervous White Guy are about to jump off a plane. i'm in a rap video, apparently.
01:41:44: They're in some Egyptian temple and still they try and make the prettiest thing Megan Fox. WHAT ABOUT THE RACIST ROBOTS? I LOVE 'EM!
01:43:14: Robo-graveyard. About as lame as some of the puns I use.
01:44:02: OK PAUSE I HAVE TO PEEEEEEEEEEE.
01:44:33: OK, BACK! My brother Bobby is going to his girlfriends house. Thought you'd want to know.
01:45:44: Soliders, robots, goats, and more racism.
01:46:50: Tech guy looks nervous. What a pussy. Whoa they just tasered him unconcious. DON'T TASE HIM BRO!
01:48:36: Tyrese just doesn't like the desert. BUT YOU'RE FROM THERE!
01:49:55: Our army is so smart in this movie. Makes you wonder why you don't name all our missions "OPERATION TRANSFORMERS TWO"
01:51:30: I think I just heard the robots talking about The Matrix. I mean, why bring Keanu into this? Seems a bit unfair, even for Keanu.
01:53:00: No, Tech guy, being in the middle of "The Gunfight at OK Corral" is generally not a good thing. DID YOU EVER GO TO HISTORY CLASS TECH BOY?
01:54:40: You'd think after being next to Shia for almost 4 hours in both movies, Megan wouldn't be afraid of the robots anymore. Especially since she hangs around SHIA. BABABABABABABABABBA-BOOM!
01:56:54: I think that monster from Return of the Jedi has returned in robot form to try and kill Shia. For those that don't know what I'm talking about, RACIST ROBOTS!
01:58:33: Where am I? Is this movie still real? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
01:59:49: How the hell did Shia's parents get there? I've missed so much. AND THEY KEEP TALKING ABOUT THE MATRIX! WHERE"S KEANUE AND LAURENCE FISHBURNE THEN? NOWHERE!
02:02:02: Bumbleebee is the lamest name for something that's trying to be cool ever. I mean, maybe except Michael Francis.
02:03:45: I'll remember what you did John Turturo. Barton Fink, Rounders, The Big Lebowski. GOOD SHIT BESIDES THIS!
02:05:11: Stop destroying the Giza Pyramids! Don't you know that that's a UNESCO HERITAGE SITE?
02:07:16: This is the lamest robot fighting I've seen since WALL-E tried to get past that fat guy.
02:08:05: Say what you will about who she is as a person or actress, Megan Fox running is slo-mo with a halter top on? Rarely do things get better. Unless it's my girlfriend doing it, of course. (BOYFRIEND FILTER ACTIVATED)
02:09:34: Old British robot's back. Ugh. I hate British stuff. Except soccer. And beer.
02:11:02: Is staying on someone's ass a good thing, Tyrese?
02:12:10: More Megan Fox slo-mo = more winning. OH AND IT KEEPS ON GOING! LOLZ WOW!
02:13:48: WILL SHIA LIVE?!!!!!!!!!??!?!??!?
02:14:36: OK this is too fucked up. Is Shia in robo-heaven? This is beyond retarded. BUT SHIA LIVES PRAISE ALLAH.
02:15:52: You know that scene with the adrenline shot to the heart in Pulp Fiction? Well Shia just did that to a robot. Excuse me while I lose faith in humanity.
02:17:07: The bad bots are about to do something terrible. I care like not.
02:18:59: Stupid Robo fighting. I don't care who wins, unless WALL-E is fighting.
02:20:24: Good robots win. WHO PREDICTED THAT? GIVE YOURSELF A FUCKING GOLD STAR.
02:21:44: Shia and Megan make out behind the sunset and honestly, it is kind of a romantic scene. Too bad it's a robot movie.
02:22:22: The movie ends with more robo narrarating ane me succumbing to retardation poisoning.
02:22:44: DWIGHT MAKES HIS RETURN IN THE CREDITS! AND WE'LL END ON THAT NOTE!
Well, Jesus H. Christ. Even for a Michael Bay movie, that was hideous. I think that was worse than Pearl Harbor. Definitely one of the worst movies of the decade. AND I'VE SEEN MEET THE SPARTANS! Anyways, I actually am thinking of keeping this segment going. Maybe I'll start doing it with the crappy ass American Pie sequels that come out straight to DVD every year. We'll see. But until next time, maybe it you that should be bidding me adieu. After all, I'm the one doing all the work here. ADIOS!
00:00:00: Today, I will be drinking Jack & Coke throughout the film. I miss Jack & Coke. We used to be such a great threesome. In fact, the only threesome I ever had was with Jack & Coke. And by that I mean I had a threesome with Jack and Coke, not two girls because of Jack & Coke. Ugh...it's so much harder to write an immoral blog with judges of character now reading. Juuuuuuuuuuuust kiddinggggggggg.......
00:01:00: You people that like this crap realize it's about toys right? Also, there are Mayans. This has alot to do with stuff I bet.
00:02:01: Oh, so the Mayans discovered the transformers first? Cliche alert: 1.
00:03:31: Nothing says awesome movie like a robot narrator. Reminds of those speech filters on the really old Mac comps.
00:04:56: Tyrese and that guy who played Tad Hamilton are pretty attractive males. And usually I'd wait until an hour and three drinks in to say that.
00:06:14: OK, the problem I have so far with this movie is that it's really stinky. What, you were expecting something profound?
00:06:41: Are those robots voiced by Chris Tucker and his gay brother Christoph Tucker?
00:08:16: Robots are fighting. How much it matters is up to you.
00:09:33: Shia's mom cries as he's about to leave for college. I remember when I left for college. My parents just told me "please don't fuck this up." Direct quote.
00:10:31: Dogs humping. So far, that's the most interesting thing that's happened so far.
00:11:31: Megan Fox sighting. Why is she talking? Shut up.
00:12:49: Everything in Shia's kitchen is turning into deadly robots. I think. I'm just judging by the music.
00:14:21: There's a war in Shia's front lawn! Reminds me of my 21st birthday.
00:16:19: Megan Fox is undressing. AND not talking. MMMMHMMM.
00:18:03: How could you be in a Long Distance Relationship with Megan Fox and not think she's gonna bang half the block by the time you're 40 miles away?
00:19:01: Just to let you know: There is NO plot yet. Still waiting. Oh wait, there's two black robots apparently and one's an ice cream truck. I'll have a butta pecan, yo!
00:21:28: Cheesy religious reference by Tyrese. Cliche Alert: 192.
00:22:59: "You're paid to shoot, not talk." Michael Bay: He Can Even Offend the Troops!
00:23:53: When you need a character to give a speech explaining what the plot of the movie is, your movie SUCKS BALLS.
00:25:00: The dialogue...ugh. Who wrote this, Bobo the Performing Monkey?
00:25:36: Popular Rock Song. Cliche Alert: 244.
00:26:29: therealeffingdeal.com. Why didn't I think of that? Oh, cause it's mentally disabled.
00:27:11: Pause. Drink NUMERO DOS, POR FAVOR!
00:27:46: Shia's roomie is obsessed with the media's cover up of the robots. Of course.
00:29:33: Shia's mom is high off hash brownies. OK. That's actually pretty funny. I wish my mom would do that.
00:31:12: Robot puking something down a pipe. Oh it's a bunch of little robots. How sweet.
00:32:22: Sorry, I'm not really paying attention. BUT SOMETHING HAPPENED!
00:33:07: College party with girls that are so hot they wouldn't even need to go to college. Cliche Alert: 333.
00:34:25: I bet this girls evil. Also hot. Lapdance. Megan Fox is waiting by a computer for Shia. I hate Shia.
00:35:01: "I was going to get you a tighter shirt." "There is no tigher shirt. We checked." Stuff you'll hear at a frat party, take one.
00;37:15: Either Shia's car spooged all over some girl, or my middle name isn't Francis. (Hint: it might be)
00:38:16: Plot update: none.
00:40:10: Normally there'd be more witty comments, but there is literally nothing happening.
00:41:01: Evil robot rises from the ashes of the deep blue see and quickly lands on another planet. LOVEEEEEEEE IT!
00:42:44: i wonder if these robots can go on Facebook like, in their heads. That'd be pretty badass. Also, I'm thinking of starting Colts Defense over Patriots Defense in fantasy football. Your thoughts?
00:43:44: DWIGHT FROM THE OFFICE AS A COLLEGE PROFESSOR! He just told a girl to finish his apple. And keeps flirting with the hot girls in the front row. "There are no questions til the climax." No truer words....
00:45:20: Shia just had a seizure. I know cause I read up on them when I started dated an epileptic.
00:46:13: Megan Fox is about to get invaded. And god, even the humor in this is more forced than a huge black penis into a teenager in amateur porn. ugh. too much visiual.
00:47:38: Some mini-robots stepping in mouse traps. WHAT A KLUTZ LOLZZZZZZZZZZ!
00:48:55: There is a Bad Boys 2 poster in Shia's dorm. (Another Michael Bay Movie) I think I just might punch my fireplace.
00:50:11: Shia just wrote hieroglyphics all over his dorm and the evil blonde that his car spooged on is coming on to him hard. Megan Fox is coming in. Broken up. OH THE BLONDE'S A ROBOT! Happens to the best of 'em Shia.
00:52:11: OK, if I HAD to get killed, it would be by a hot alien robot. Ugh I'm already too drunk to write. This could be fuN!
00:53:43: Trapped in the library! It's like Columbine with technology!
00:54:46: Megan Fox acting < Megan Fox sitting doing nothing.
00:55:55: OK. What just happened, nobody would ever survive. NO SCRATCHES! WHERE ARE WE, NARNIA?!!?!? FCK ME.
00:56:44: Shia's taken prisoner by some evil robot thing. He can cross that off his sex fantasy list.
00:58:19: I mean Shia's talking about relationships with the evil robot and I mean, that's a major turn off after just meeting someone. Right, ladies?
01:00:01: If robots fight in the forest, do people pay $9.50 to see it? Apparently the answer is: you're retarded if you did.
01:01:19: Robot dialogue > Human dialogue
01:03:04: Robots fighting with depressing sad music. Listen: this is the sound of me not caring.
01:04:49: God, Shia's mom is such a unhot mess.
01:06:13: Tanker just got destroyed. How is there an hour an twenty minutes left? Fuck me running.
01:07:08: Watching this in Blu-Ray makes me want to destroy my Blu-Ray player.
01:08:55: News reports about what just happened. You know, this movie could've been 3 minutes shorter without this.
01:10:00: Racist robots are back. I mean, they aren't even really trying to be racially alright. They are just straight up stereotypes. Might as well be carrying some KFC and Watermelon.
01:12:09: YOU DIDN'T JUST DO TYRESE LIKE THAT!
01:13:25: FILLER FILLER FILLER FILLER FILLER FILLER FILLER. See, I can do it too, Michael Bay.
01:14:29: If I were a racist robot, I'd totally be sippin' on Hen and Patron.
01:15:48: John Turtorro owns a Jewish delicasttesian. I wish someone would take me to a Jewish deli....just saying.
01:16:43: DUDE'S GOT BAGEL'S TO SCHMEAR!
01:17:22: Secret hideout underneath the Jewish deli. Anti-Jewish conspiracy theorist ammuniation, take four.
01:18:44: Their using words and phrases I'm supposed to know but don't. Hey, I could lie and say I know what I'm doing but then I'd be Michael Bay.
01:20:28: No, that dude's ass does not look better in Blu-Ray.
01:21:32: That guy just tasered someone without his pants on. Is that a worse crime than doing it WITH your pants on?
01:22:40: Megan Fox running to dramatic music. I wonder if that happens like, in her real life.
01:24:00: That can't be a old British transformer. S-T-E-R-E-O-T-Y-P-E. LAZY ASS MOVIE FUCKERS.
01:25:49: Did that robot really just fart or am I THAT drunk?
01:27:19: Megan Fox just landed on that guys testicles. Am I joking? Clearly, I'm not.
01:29:10: I hate this movie so much, I almost want to cry, die, or throw up. ROBO FLASHBACK! You know that show Bored to Death? I feel like they were thinking of titles for it while watching this.
01:32:40: Megan Fox in a birka. Racism, keep it coming!
01:33:49: Where are these guys, Islam?
01:34:49: OK, has Michael Bay ever seen another race besides white? Hahaha this guys really short. If he were a girl, that would turn me on.
01:36:38: Bangage = imminent. And Megan Fox is involved. I know, I almost put it on pause too.
01:38:02: Their looking at Orion's belt. Someone exploring some un-hetero feelings, Shia?
01:39:22: Tyrese, Tad Hamilton, and some nervous White Guy are about to jump off a plane. i'm in a rap video, apparently.
01:41:44: They're in some Egyptian temple and still they try and make the prettiest thing Megan Fox. WHAT ABOUT THE RACIST ROBOTS? I LOVE 'EM!
01:43:14: Robo-graveyard. About as lame as some of the puns I use.
01:44:02: OK PAUSE I HAVE TO PEEEEEEEEEEE.
01:44:33: OK, BACK! My brother Bobby is going to his girlfriends house. Thought you'd want to know.
01:45:44: Soliders, robots, goats, and more racism.
01:46:50: Tech guy looks nervous. What a pussy. Whoa they just tasered him unconcious. DON'T TASE HIM BRO!
01:48:36: Tyrese just doesn't like the desert. BUT YOU'RE FROM THERE!
01:49:55: Our army is so smart in this movie. Makes you wonder why you don't name all our missions "OPERATION TRANSFORMERS TWO"
01:51:30: I think I just heard the robots talking about The Matrix. I mean, why bring Keanu into this? Seems a bit unfair, even for Keanu.
01:53:00: No, Tech guy, being in the middle of "The Gunfight at OK Corral" is generally not a good thing. DID YOU EVER GO TO HISTORY CLASS TECH BOY?
01:54:40: You'd think after being next to Shia for almost 4 hours in both movies, Megan wouldn't be afraid of the robots anymore. Especially since she hangs around SHIA. BABABABABABABABABBA-BOOM!
01:56:54: I think that monster from Return of the Jedi has returned in robot form to try and kill Shia. For those that don't know what I'm talking about, RACIST ROBOTS!
01:58:33: Where am I? Is this movie still real? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
01:59:49: How the hell did Shia's parents get there? I've missed so much. AND THEY KEEP TALKING ABOUT THE MATRIX! WHERE"S KEANUE AND LAURENCE FISHBURNE THEN? NOWHERE!
02:02:02: Bumbleebee is the lamest name for something that's trying to be cool ever. I mean, maybe except Michael Francis.
02:03:45: I'll remember what you did John Turturo. Barton Fink, Rounders, The Big Lebowski. GOOD SHIT BESIDES THIS!
02:05:11: Stop destroying the Giza Pyramids! Don't you know that that's a UNESCO HERITAGE SITE?
02:07:16: This is the lamest robot fighting I've seen since WALL-E tried to get past that fat guy.
02:08:05: Say what you will about who she is as a person or actress, Megan Fox running is slo-mo with a halter top on? Rarely do things get better. Unless it's my girlfriend doing it, of course. (BOYFRIEND FILTER ACTIVATED)
02:09:34: Old British robot's back. Ugh. I hate British stuff. Except soccer. And beer.
02:11:02: Is staying on someone's ass a good thing, Tyrese?
02:12:10: More Megan Fox slo-mo = more winning. OH AND IT KEEPS ON GOING! LOLZ WOW!
02:13:48: WILL SHIA LIVE?!!!!!!!!!??!?!??!?
02:14:36: OK this is too fucked up. Is Shia in robo-heaven? This is beyond retarded. BUT SHIA LIVES PRAISE ALLAH.
02:15:52: You know that scene with the adrenline shot to the heart in Pulp Fiction? Well Shia just did that to a robot. Excuse me while I lose faith in humanity.
02:17:07: The bad bots are about to do something terrible. I care like not.
02:18:59: Stupid Robo fighting. I don't care who wins, unless WALL-E is fighting.
02:20:24: Good robots win. WHO PREDICTED THAT? GIVE YOURSELF A FUCKING GOLD STAR.
02:21:44: Shia and Megan make out behind the sunset and honestly, it is kind of a romantic scene. Too bad it's a robot movie.
02:22:22: The movie ends with more robo narrarating ane me succumbing to retardation poisoning.
02:22:44: DWIGHT MAKES HIS RETURN IN THE CREDITS! AND WE'LL END ON THAT NOTE!
Well, Jesus H. Christ. Even for a Michael Bay movie, that was hideous. I think that was worse than Pearl Harbor. Definitely one of the worst movies of the decade. AND I'VE SEEN MEET THE SPARTANS! Anyways, I actually am thinking of keeping this segment going. Maybe I'll start doing it with the crappy ass American Pie sequels that come out straight to DVD every year. We'll see. But until next time, maybe it you that should be bidding me adieu. After all, I'm the one doing all the work here. ADIOS!
Yes, It's a Random Mailbag but Maybe You Should Just Deal With It, Like WHOA!, and All that Jazz: The Random Holiday Mailbag
Why hello there! Since my guest blogger is taking longer than a lunar leapyear to get his blog post in, I'm gonna give you something new. I call it a SURPRISE MAILBAG! It's where I surprise you with an unexpected mailbag at an unexpected time, aka not the 1st of the month. We'll call it a SUPER SEXY SURPRISE HOLIDAY MAILBAG. Maybe the title needs work. But I'll tell you something: the questions and answers don't. Because they're perfect.
Q: I know you've been asked before, but what are you REALLY being for Halloween? And for that matter, I hear you're going to a dance. WITH A GIRL EVEN! What's that about?
--M. Forte's Declining Running Ability, Chicago, IL
A: I'm wearing a T-Shirt that reads as follows:
"Memo:
Ms. Cyrus, WEAR STILLETOS!
Love,
Hollywood"
Total win, right?
Q: If you had to be one other nationality, what would it be and why? I mean, don't say Irish. Stop being a stupid alcoholic and give me a straight answer.
--N. Patrick Harris' Unknown Homosexuality, New York, NY
A: After much deliberation, I'm thinking I'd be a Nigerian. How's that for a non-alcoholic answer?
Q: Don't you feel a little underdressed when you're listening to The White Tie Affair?
--L. Lohan's Sense of Self-Worth, Los Angeles, CA
A: I don't think I could've said it any better. I love this band but their name alone makes me feel like I'm a slob. Oh, just cause I'm wearing my Homer Simpson slippers, sweatpants and a paint-stained white t-shirt means I'm not classy? Please. White ties are for people who can pull off white ties. Not that I can't, but I'd probably just end up looking like 8 maids a milking. What?
Q: WHY CAN'T I FOLLOW YOU ON TWITTER?!?!?!
--H. Duff's Sense of Youthful Wonder, San Jose, CA
A: You can. My twitter name is "mdole" but I mostly use it to follow cool celebs, bands, and get movie/TV news. Because I'm really cool, remember?
Q: If you could have one person lead your intervention who would it be?
--Bono's Need For Attention, Belfast, Northern Ireland
A: OK. Who's a natural born leader, convincing, dashing, and all-around attractive but not so much that it'd be distracting? That's right, I know exactly who you're thinking too. I think it would have to be Creed from The Office. I mean, just think of all the wisdom he could impart. He's seen, heard, and done everything. So him leading an intervention for me would make me feel alot better about attempting to quit drinking if it ever got that bad.
(Side Note: I got an email today from substance-abuse-counsler.com telling me they've added my blog to their database. About time.)
Q: Ten Best Thing About Halloween....GO!
--A. McMahon's God-Like Demeanor, Everywhere, World
A: Well, I'll try and give this a go:
10. Trick or Treating
9. Taking your kids trick or treating.
8. Costume Parties
7. Seeing Creativity and Shame Reach No Bounds
6. Deciding What You're Going to Wear
5. Candy
4. Candy-Flavored Liquor
3. Girls drinking candy-flavored liquor
2. Girls' Costumes
1. It's an excuse to drink your pants off. (or go out without pants on at all)
Q: What is just the best idea you've ever had about anything? I'm talking anything....
S. Irwin's Stingray Friend Stabby, Melbourne, Australia
A: Going to Amsterdam without telling anyone is, was, and will always the best idea I've ever had. Even though I almost was robbed, arrested, and killed, I don't regret one single moment in the Promised Land. Because if something bad happens in Heaven, at least you're still waking up to angels. Copyright, Michael Francis, Inc.
Q: I remember a while back you answered a question completely in Jack's Mannequin lyrics. It was decently impressive I guess. Can you do the same with Britney Spears lyrics? I'm guessing no. But here's my question. If you had to pick one sexual position that could be the only one you could use for the rest of your life, what would it be and why?
--K-Fed's Extremely Large Waistline, San Diego County Zoo, CA
A: There's things about me you just have to know: I'm not a girl, but now I'm stronger than yesterday. You're fakin' like a good one, but I'm addicted to you cause I know baby, I'm so into you. Baby, get it get it, get it get, what? They say she's so lucky as she says "I'm a Slave for being caught in between." Oops! I lose all my senses in between Peter, Paul, and Mary. If you seek Amy, I must confess, from the bottom of my broken heart, it's Britney bitch on shattered glass that I'm a slave for.
(WHOA!)
Q: I heard you're pretty good at Fantasy Football. What are some other fantasy things you're good at?
--D. Jackson's Incredibly Fast Legs, Philadelphia, PA
A: Hmmm. This is a tough question. Tough in that I want to answer it but might be judged too harshly. Whatever. I'm DYNAMITE at Fantasy Baseball and Fantasy Soccer. Also, I'm not bad at fantasy roleplay but I was just never born to be an actor. I bet I'd be better at writing fantasy roleplay. Not that I'm bad at it. Shit, stop talking Mike. You do realize you can go back and erase stuff you're saying to yourself, right Mike? Why are you still typing? YOU ARE TALKING TO YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON ON YOUR BLOG SHUT IT.
Q: Give me some weed talk. You never talk about weed. Didn't you use to be a huge stoner? What made you quit? Weed. WEED. WEED WEED WEED.
--A. Kutcher's Twitter Following, Hartford, CN.
A: This question has probably been a long time. Here's the deal. I've probably smoked more weed than you. Does that make me cooler than you? Absolutely not. I quit because weed makes me lazy and boring. And I like being active and exciting. I'll still do it now and then, but my stoner days are long gone. FOR NOW!
Q: What are some of the best movies to watch hungover? I'm always hungover on the weekends and just lay around. I need some suggestions like Christian Bale needs a Xanax.
--M. Fox's Match.com Account, Boise, ID
A: Movies that aren't great but a) light and enjoyable and b) require little thought, are the best hangover movies. Some good ones are Major League, Top Gun, Ghostbusters, Joe Dirt, The Transporter, High Fidelity, and (my personal cure for all hangovers, sadness, and the unfunnies) Shaun of the Dead.
Q: What are your thoughts on Adderall usage? Is it really helping our kids study or is it a dangerous problem that our schools need to deal with?
--National Association of Short People, Providence, Rhode Island
A: I love adderall usage. I think it brings out a really different side of a person that you wouldn't see normally. And you don't even have to get them drunk. It's also very useful to use for studying and partying, because sometimes you can't sleep during either activity. As for it's detractors, I say this: yeah, you're probably right. It's probably terrible for you. But think of it this way: so is an F, sleeping alone, and being tired all day. Dolan shoots. He scores.
Q: I'm a virgin new to the game. I just got my first girlfriend! I need 7 sex tips for beginners so that I don't embarrass myself with my more experienced lady.
--Carrie Bradshaw's Biggest Fans, New York, NY
A: WHOA! Talk about a question that is going to make people think I'm misogynistic to a high degree! Love it! Here are seven tips for virgin or just inexperienced sex that I've picked up on my many travels.
1. If you pay for it, they'll almost never laugh at you.
2. Being drunk might make it a little better, but you're still awful. Just do it sober and enjoy the feeling while it lasts.
3. No matter who it is, the girl is going to tell her friends about how bad you were. The novelty (or "cuteness") of sleeping with a virgin, for a girl at least, only lasts until she realizes how bad you are. Just tell her you're a virgin.
4. Wear a condom. If you don't, it'll last for about 20 seconds.
5. No dirty talk. You suck.
6. Make sure it's in the right hole. That'd be embarrassing.
7. Enjoy! It's sex and you're doing it!
Q: Yankees/Phillies World Series. How much do you not care? Answer in analogies please!
--Padres Fans' Sense of Self-Worth, San Diego, CA
A: The following analogies are all presented by how much I care about the World Series. (Imagine them all starting with "I care about the World Series this year as much as...")
...the Bears care about tackling.
...Florida hockey fans actually care about hockey.
...Jon and Kate actually care for their kids instead of money.
...red-green colorblind people care about the movie "The Color of Money"
...most Americans care about soccer.
...that two-month old cares where his milk comes from.
...Bobby Dolan cares.
Q: I need your help might badly. You see, Halloween is my favorite holiday. I'm dressing up as the St. Pauli Girl mascot and my boyfriend is going as a fat German guy. (Not much costume needed, lol!) Anyways, after we do some roleplay with some schnitzel, sauerkraut, and Munster cheese, we are heading out to a party. My boyfriend, however, wants to bring another "bratwurst" into the bedroom so to speak. Originally it was my idea, but he brought it up as sort of a "present" to me. Now, normally this would be this fraeulin's dream come true but I'm worried that he's a little too excited about it. How do I figure out if he's doing this for me or exploring some of his other "feelings"?
--Pam Beasely's Lesser Known Sister, Scranton, PA
A: I'm glad you came to me Pam because I have no experience in this matter. As for your costume, not bad. That's pretty creative. Sounds like your boyfriend is a class act. As for how to find out his real feelings on the topic, I'll tell you. You see, there's a large double standard when it comes to how "gay" it makes someone for participating in one. As for women, it's sexy to have the 2 women, 1 guy threesome. As for men, it's awkward to have the 2 guy, 1 girl threesome. Is it unfair? Maybe. But here's why it's consider much, much more "iffy" for a guy to have a 2 guy, 1 girl threesome: girls are attractive. Their bodies are beautiful works of art, carefully sculpted. There's barely any hair and more possibilites for attractive features. Guys? We're gross. We're hairy all over. And let's be honest: those things hanging off us are about as good looking as a gypsy garage sale. So when a girl participates in a threesome with another girl, it's more acceptable because it's easier to appreciate the attractiveness of a woman than it is for a man to appreciate how good another man looks. Girls are more attractive than guys in every sense of the word. So it's much EASIER for women to appreciate each other.
As for your answer freulien, he's at least bi-curious. Sorry. Might want to cook some extra bratwurst for the rest of the weekend.
Well that's it for the surprise mailbag! Did you enjoy? ME TOO! Anyways, I hope you've had a good start to the week and enjoy the rest of this week. My guest blogger WILL have his post up in a few days. Or he will die. Go in peace, brothers and sisters, and remember to always give it your all. Especially when it's telling other people about my blog.
Night!
Q: I know you've been asked before, but what are you REALLY being for Halloween? And for that matter, I hear you're going to a dance. WITH A GIRL EVEN! What's that about?
--M. Forte's Declining Running Ability, Chicago, IL
A: I'm wearing a T-Shirt that reads as follows:
"Memo:
Ms. Cyrus, WEAR STILLETOS!
Love,
Hollywood"
Total win, right?
Q: If you had to be one other nationality, what would it be and why? I mean, don't say Irish. Stop being a stupid alcoholic and give me a straight answer.
--N. Patrick Harris' Unknown Homosexuality, New York, NY
A: After much deliberation, I'm thinking I'd be a Nigerian. How's that for a non-alcoholic answer?
Q: Don't you feel a little underdressed when you're listening to The White Tie Affair?
--L. Lohan's Sense of Self-Worth, Los Angeles, CA
A: I don't think I could've said it any better. I love this band but their name alone makes me feel like I'm a slob. Oh, just cause I'm wearing my Homer Simpson slippers, sweatpants and a paint-stained white t-shirt means I'm not classy? Please. White ties are for people who can pull off white ties. Not that I can't, but I'd probably just end up looking like 8 maids a milking. What?
Q: WHY CAN'T I FOLLOW YOU ON TWITTER?!?!?!
--H. Duff's Sense of Youthful Wonder, San Jose, CA
A: You can. My twitter name is "mdole" but I mostly use it to follow cool celebs, bands, and get movie/TV news. Because I'm really cool, remember?
Q: If you could have one person lead your intervention who would it be?
--Bono's Need For Attention, Belfast, Northern Ireland
A: OK. Who's a natural born leader, convincing, dashing, and all-around attractive but not so much that it'd be distracting? That's right, I know exactly who you're thinking too. I think it would have to be Creed from The Office. I mean, just think of all the wisdom he could impart. He's seen, heard, and done everything. So him leading an intervention for me would make me feel alot better about attempting to quit drinking if it ever got that bad.
(Side Note: I got an email today from substance-abuse-counsler.com telling me they've added my blog to their database. About time.)
Q: Ten Best Thing About Halloween....GO!
--A. McMahon's God-Like Demeanor, Everywhere, World
A: Well, I'll try and give this a go:
10. Trick or Treating
9. Taking your kids trick or treating.
8. Costume Parties
7. Seeing Creativity and Shame Reach No Bounds
6. Deciding What You're Going to Wear
5. Candy
4. Candy-Flavored Liquor
3. Girls drinking candy-flavored liquor
2. Girls' Costumes
1. It's an excuse to drink your pants off. (or go out without pants on at all)
Q: What is just the best idea you've ever had about anything? I'm talking anything....
S. Irwin's Stingray Friend Stabby, Melbourne, Australia
A: Going to Amsterdam without telling anyone is, was, and will always the best idea I've ever had. Even though I almost was robbed, arrested, and killed, I don't regret one single moment in the Promised Land. Because if something bad happens in Heaven, at least you're still waking up to angels. Copyright, Michael Francis, Inc.
Q: I remember a while back you answered a question completely in Jack's Mannequin lyrics. It was decently impressive I guess. Can you do the same with Britney Spears lyrics? I'm guessing no. But here's my question. If you had to pick one sexual position that could be the only one you could use for the rest of your life, what would it be and why?
--K-Fed's Extremely Large Waistline, San Diego County Zoo, CA
A: There's things about me you just have to know: I'm not a girl, but now I'm stronger than yesterday. You're fakin' like a good one, but I'm addicted to you cause I know baby, I'm so into you. Baby, get it get it, get it get, what? They say she's so lucky as she says "I'm a Slave for being caught in between." Oops! I lose all my senses in between Peter, Paul, and Mary. If you seek Amy, I must confess, from the bottom of my broken heart, it's Britney bitch on shattered glass that I'm a slave for.
(WHOA!)
Q: I heard you're pretty good at Fantasy Football. What are some other fantasy things you're good at?
--D. Jackson's Incredibly Fast Legs, Philadelphia, PA
A: Hmmm. This is a tough question. Tough in that I want to answer it but might be judged too harshly. Whatever. I'm DYNAMITE at Fantasy Baseball and Fantasy Soccer. Also, I'm not bad at fantasy roleplay but I was just never born to be an actor. I bet I'd be better at writing fantasy roleplay. Not that I'm bad at it. Shit, stop talking Mike. You do realize you can go back and erase stuff you're saying to yourself, right Mike? Why are you still typing? YOU ARE TALKING TO YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON ON YOUR BLOG SHUT IT.
Q: Give me some weed talk. You never talk about weed. Didn't you use to be a huge stoner? What made you quit? Weed. WEED. WEED WEED WEED.
--A. Kutcher's Twitter Following, Hartford, CN.
A: This question has probably been a long time. Here's the deal. I've probably smoked more weed than you. Does that make me cooler than you? Absolutely not. I quit because weed makes me lazy and boring. And I like being active and exciting. I'll still do it now and then, but my stoner days are long gone. FOR NOW!
Q: What are some of the best movies to watch hungover? I'm always hungover on the weekends and just lay around. I need some suggestions like Christian Bale needs a Xanax.
--M. Fox's Match.com Account, Boise, ID
A: Movies that aren't great but a) light and enjoyable and b) require little thought, are the best hangover movies. Some good ones are Major League, Top Gun, Ghostbusters, Joe Dirt, The Transporter, High Fidelity, and (my personal cure for all hangovers, sadness, and the unfunnies) Shaun of the Dead.
Q: What are your thoughts on Adderall usage? Is it really helping our kids study or is it a dangerous problem that our schools need to deal with?
--National Association of Short People, Providence, Rhode Island
A: I love adderall usage. I think it brings out a really different side of a person that you wouldn't see normally. And you don't even have to get them drunk. It's also very useful to use for studying and partying, because sometimes you can't sleep during either activity. As for it's detractors, I say this: yeah, you're probably right. It's probably terrible for you. But think of it this way: so is an F, sleeping alone, and being tired all day. Dolan shoots. He scores.
Q: I'm a virgin new to the game. I just got my first girlfriend! I need 7 sex tips for beginners so that I don't embarrass myself with my more experienced lady.
--Carrie Bradshaw's Biggest Fans, New York, NY
A: WHOA! Talk about a question that is going to make people think I'm misogynistic to a high degree! Love it! Here are seven tips for virgin or just inexperienced sex that I've picked up on my many travels.
1. If you pay for it, they'll almost never laugh at you.
2. Being drunk might make it a little better, but you're still awful. Just do it sober and enjoy the feeling while it lasts.
3. No matter who it is, the girl is going to tell her friends about how bad you were. The novelty (or "cuteness") of sleeping with a virgin, for a girl at least, only lasts until she realizes how bad you are. Just tell her you're a virgin.
4. Wear a condom. If you don't, it'll last for about 20 seconds.
5. No dirty talk. You suck.
6. Make sure it's in the right hole. That'd be embarrassing.
7. Enjoy! It's sex and you're doing it!
Q: Yankees/Phillies World Series. How much do you not care? Answer in analogies please!
--Padres Fans' Sense of Self-Worth, San Diego, CA
A: The following analogies are all presented by how much I care about the World Series. (Imagine them all starting with "I care about the World Series this year as much as...")
...the Bears care about tackling.
...Florida hockey fans actually care about hockey.
...Jon and Kate actually care for their kids instead of money.
...red-green colorblind people care about the movie "The Color of Money"
...most Americans care about soccer.
...that two-month old cares where his milk comes from.
...Bobby Dolan cares.
Q: I need your help might badly. You see, Halloween is my favorite holiday. I'm dressing up as the St. Pauli Girl mascot and my boyfriend is going as a fat German guy. (Not much costume needed, lol!) Anyways, after we do some roleplay with some schnitzel, sauerkraut, and Munster cheese, we are heading out to a party. My boyfriend, however, wants to bring another "bratwurst" into the bedroom so to speak. Originally it was my idea, but he brought it up as sort of a "present" to me. Now, normally this would be this fraeulin's dream come true but I'm worried that he's a little too excited about it. How do I figure out if he's doing this for me or exploring some of his other "feelings"?
--Pam Beasely's Lesser Known Sister, Scranton, PA
A: I'm glad you came to me Pam because I have no experience in this matter. As for your costume, not bad. That's pretty creative. Sounds like your boyfriend is a class act. As for how to find out his real feelings on the topic, I'll tell you. You see, there's a large double standard when it comes to how "gay" it makes someone for participating in one. As for women, it's sexy to have the 2 women, 1 guy threesome. As for men, it's awkward to have the 2 guy, 1 girl threesome. Is it unfair? Maybe. But here's why it's consider much, much more "iffy" for a guy to have a 2 guy, 1 girl threesome: girls are attractive. Their bodies are beautiful works of art, carefully sculpted. There's barely any hair and more possibilites for attractive features. Guys? We're gross. We're hairy all over. And let's be honest: those things hanging off us are about as good looking as a gypsy garage sale. So when a girl participates in a threesome with another girl, it's more acceptable because it's easier to appreciate the attractiveness of a woman than it is for a man to appreciate how good another man looks. Girls are more attractive than guys in every sense of the word. So it's much EASIER for women to appreciate each other.
As for your answer freulien, he's at least bi-curious. Sorry. Might want to cook some extra bratwurst for the rest of the weekend.
Well that's it for the surprise mailbag! Did you enjoy? ME TOO! Anyways, I hope you've had a good start to the week and enjoy the rest of this week. My guest blogger WILL have his post up in a few days. Or he will die. Go in peace, brothers and sisters, and remember to always give it your all. Especially when it's telling other people about my blog.
Night!
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