STOP WHAT YOU'RE DOING! Why, you ask? Because it's a new version of THE mailbag. Welcome to the month of September, where it'll start to get cold and ugly outside. Well, I'll tell you something: it's gonna stay hot and super attractive here at the blog. And there's no way better to warm you up than answer fake questions from real readers. Or is it the other way around? I just don't know anymore! In the words of Sir Lady Gaga, Let's Dance! The Mailbag Today, the trending topic will be drinking. Don't act shocked. The blog's devoted to alcohol.
Q: How many days a week do you need to drink to be consider an actual alcoholic?
--T. Brady, Boston, MA.
A: You can drink every day and not be an alcoholic. It's just how MUCH you drink everyday. See, normal members of society have this thing called "moderation." If you can limit yourself to one/two beers, one glass of wine, or one cocktail a day, then you aren't an alcoholic. But if you get drunk everyday, then you might need to get your name on the liver transplant list. Nothing wrong with being pre-emptive.
Q: How cool does your full name have to be to call you by your full name instead of just your first or last name?
--C. Handler, Los Angeles, CA.
A: My name, Michael Dolan, is pretty damn good. Names with short last names are the best for this. Usually, I just shorten first names and that's your nickname from me. (Yeah, I can abbreviate any name. Try me. Sam, you ask? "What up, S?" Boom. Roasted.)
Q: If you could get drunk with one athlete, who would it be and why? Also, what if the offer was only good for a night before a huge game for that team?
--L. Meester, Gossip City, AL
A: If anyone from Chicago or Denver doesn't say Kyle Orton, then they are either lame or lying. Google image search "kyle orton drunk" and tell me you disagree. There's just no way I'd pass up the opportunity. And yeah, even if it could only be the night before a big game, I still would. You know why? Because I bet he plays better hungover anyway.
Q: If you were drunk and had to hear one song on repeat for an entire night, what would it be?
--S. Breaston, Phoenix, AZ.
A: Wow. A fine question, but a tough one. Since I'd be drunk it would need to pump you up. It would also need to be catchy and have a ton of awesome, repeatable lyrics so you can come in at certain parts of the song throughout the night. That's why I'm going with "Saturday Night" by Lucky Boys Confusion. I've heard this song for a decade and I'm not sick of it, so I don't think one night of it would be too damn bad.
Q: Please explain to me how you are still alive.
--Y. Ming, Beijing, CH.
A: It's simple: even though I admittedly have a few really bad habits and past habits, I do work very hard at keeping myself in shape through an excessive amount of running. Also, I really only eat two meals a day and always try and keep one of those meals extremely health-conscious. So don't think I'm all fun and games. Just mostly.
Q: So I had an idea for a reality TV show. Get a camera and follow drunk people around. Call it "Drunk." Why is this not a show yet?
--D. Lee Roth, Somewhere.
A: How this is not a show, I do not know. You could even just have one single bar and call the show "Barroom Stories". If people are drunk and know they're on camera, well they would pretty much do anything. Take "Girls Gone Wild" for example. The only problem is, there are a lot of lame people that also drink. But you have an idea there. Let's run with it.
Q: What if, in some bizarre parallel universe, the last 3 girls you drunkenly kissed all had the same initials? BTW you missed your meeting the other day.
--Alcoholics Anonymous, Arlington Heights, IL.
A: True story. This is a current, ongoing situation that is starting to become a little weird in my life. The last three girls that I've actually liked have all had the same initials. I'm not sure how to react to it anymore. One more though and I'm probably gonna freak out.
Q: What is the absolute best drunk food? To contrast, is eating drunk better than eating high? Also, is music better drunk or high?
--G. Busey, Hollywood, CA.
A: Let me tell you something: besides sex on a few drugs, there is nothing better in the world than eating high. Nothing. It's half the reason I was a pothead for so long. As for music, it depends what kind of music. I mean rap music is awesome when you're drunk but it sucks ass when you're high. That's a matter of opinion. As for the best drunk food? Edible panties. Boom.
Q: Are there any social drinking situations where it's okay to call a girl a "c*nt" or a black person a "n*gg*r"?
--N. Patrick Harris, Cooler-than-youville, USA.
A: Assuming you are white, there is no social situation where it's socially acceptable to call a black person the "n" word. As for calling a girl a cunt, I think if a girl does something really bitchy thing like pouring her drink on you for no reason or kicking you in the balls with a backward heel kick, I think that's fine. I don't think there's a particular word that would offend me personally just from being called it. I guess the closest word would have to be "spudfucker" because I am not a fucker and just because I like potatoes, doesn't mean you can make fun of my people's major famine. That was like the Holocaust to the Irish. Besides, who the hell doesn't like potatoes? Communists?
Q: Say you've got a bottle of Jack Daniels, Jose Cuervo, and Skol. Pour them all in a punch bowl. Add a bottle of lime juice. Now say you started drinking at 9 PM. How long before you get arrested?
--L. David, Hollywood, CA.
A: I'd say if you have 4 full cups of that in 2 hours then went out, you'd be arrested by 11:30pm. What in God's name would posses you to try something so perverse? (writes down recipe)
Q: Say you're drinking with the guys, headed to the Bears game. Is there any situation where it's acceptable for one of said friends were to say "By the way, I invited my girlfriend."? Should he be ostracized immediately?
--O. Bloom, Auckland, New Zealand.
A: There are a few acceptable situations for this:
1. They are his tickets.
2. He hasn't had sex with her yet and really really wants to.
3. The girl is really, really cool and knows the general idea of football.
4. She offers to pay for beer.
Q: I love your 10 rules for sex for women. Give me more, please.
--E. Szempinski, Mt. Prospect, IL.
A: I mean, if you insist fake question asker:
1. You on top in the morning is awesome and is a great substitute for coffee.
2. Involving food with sex? Yes.
3. Handjobs in public are not only advisable, but recommended.
4. Using your hand without any lubrication does NOT count as foreplay in the least bit.
5. I mean, I don't pay for dinner to get a hug....
6. If you call me the wrong name during and I want to leave after, you don't get to complain.
7. Don't yell out "fuck me." What the hell do you think I'm doing already?
8. Don't make fun of my fantasies for being too weird or too elaborate. Because if you fulfill them, I'll do anything (outside the bedroom, I mean) that you want. Even go to the opera.
9. Don't tell a guy you won't have an abortion by a stairwell. Just saying.
10. Sex is not love. Please, don't confuse those two.
Q: Give me 4 reasons why I shouldn't call this girl the next day after meeting her at a bar.
--Q. Richardson, New York, NY.
A: Getting a bit sick of these lists but let's educate your fine self.
1. You don't want to seem too overanxious.
2. The girl may be just as excited as you. The longer you wait, the anticipation builds. More anticipation = More payoff (no, i don't mean sex, you horndogs)
3. Obviously, you can't wait too long to call though. Showing you're patient enough is a plus.
4. Desperation reeks from a mile away.
Q: Do you make "the girls go bad"? Is it true that if you don't "use it, you lose it"? Do you know "somewhere over the rainbow"? Have you ever had "sex in the backseat of your car"? What is your "go-to drink"? Why am I "putting everything in quotes"?
--A. Griffin, New Haven, CT.
A: Not very often, but on occasion the girls go bad for me. Not true. Wrigleyville. Yes. 7 & 7. You're a tool or senile.
Q: What's the most boring thing to do while drunk?
--G. Clooney, Hollywood, CA.
A: Read or study. Also, learning a foreign language. Try and conjugate after 6 shots of Cuervo.
Q: Alcohol doesn't show up in drug tests, does it?
--D. Hester, Chicago, IL.
A: Does Sprite? What about Apple Juice? Maybe Kool-aid? No, you moron. Alcohol only shows up on drug tests immediately after you take it. And by drug tests I mean breathalysers. Stick to those punt returns.
Q: Just had anal sex on an airplane...with the stewardess...after she gave me four free vodka tonics. Beat that, why don't ya?
--B. Bonds, San Fransisco, CA.
A: Once again, I'm forced to beat an awesome story with one of my own. Hear it goes: Once I hooked up with a girl at a bar. Went home with her, blah blah blah. Long story short: the girl was black out drunk and we had sex and I never called her. Not because I'm an asshole, but because she wouldn't even have remembered. And she was annoying. Anyways, the next time I saw her she was drunk again, remembered who I was and called me a douchebag the whole night. Long story short again, the same thing happened. I mean, I guess that doesn't beat having sex on a plane with a stewardess but I don't have many great sex stories. But touche.
Q: So life didn't give me lemons. Or limes. Or any fruit for that matter. What is the fruitiest fruit to put in a drink? What's the coolest?
--L. Bass, Eugene, OR.
A: The fruittiest fruit to put in a drink is banana. I mean, if you're a guy and you have a banana in your drink, there's a good chance you'll be eating something similar in your mouth later. As for the coolest, well by default I guess it would have to be raspberries (why is there a p in that word?) just because I like the way the look in punches. Yes, punch. Don't be hatin'.
Q: Do you enjoy being an alcoholic blog writer/amateur writer/restaurant worker?
--S. William Scott, Santa Fe, NM.
A: Making fun of me is irrelevant because I'm in a very happy place. I'm working two part time jobs, have a pretty good personal life going, and although my writing career isn't exactly taking off, I'm having a pretty good time doing it. So to recap, working, fun, and satisfying. Also, if you're gonna call me an alcoholic can you at least call me a "functional alcoholic"? I feel like, at least I'm not sitting around drinking all day. Just at night.
(Alcoholism isn't funny kids! I in no way support it in case any future employers, female interests, or extended family members are currently reading this!)
That's it for the September bag of mail. I hope you enjoyed the discussions on confused sentences as much as I did. I will leave with an important piece of information: Pasta? A bit overrated in my opinion. That'll do it, adios muchachos!
Drunk Real Time Michael Bay Review: Bad Boys 2
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, dogs and cats, welcome to another great edition of the blog. Today, I continue my Drunk Real-Time Michael Bay series. This time we'll be watching Bad Boys 2. I really need to thank Mikey Bay for making his two worst movies in a row. Also, why are his movies sooooo long? I don't know. Let's get drunk and watch Bad Boys II, shall we?
00:00:00: Today I will be drinking vodka tonics during my reviewing. Why the change? I heard about a scurvy outbreak and I hear tonic prevents you from getting that. Hooray.
00:00:33: We begin in an ecstasy lab in Amsterdam. So far...sooooooooo good.
00:02:04: Dropping coffins full of heroin in the water.
00:03:05: Sean "P Diddy" Combs as a Music Consultant. That's how you know a movie's gonna be good.
00:05:45: Nothing like a KKK rally to introduce your two main black characters.
00:08:39: Wow, what a bad 3 minute action sequence that was there basically for Martin and Will to hear themselves talk.
00:10:18: Marty got shot in the ass. Now he knows how I feel.
00:11:29: Bad guy meeting. By bad, I mean bad actors, bad characters, and BAD BOYS!
00:13:18: Montage of Will and Martin in various therapy sessions. Wait, am I watching the right movie?
00:15:22: Michael from Lost playing a Jamaican? At least he's not screaming about his kid.
00:17:59: Will wants to bang Marty's sister. Whoa wait. They already are banging. Good for those kiddies.
00:22:33: MGD logo all over the place. No shameless promotion or anything.
00:24:24: Quick cuts of money going through a machine. Oh, Russians. If they were smart, they'd deal in euro's.
00:25:34: Rastafarian gang. Now we're getting somewhere. (Jamaica?)
00:27:11: "Muscle car...3 black occupants." Criminals?
00:28:38: Martin Lawrence wearing a Vick jersey. Wonder if he's in on the dog thing.
00:30:00: Just a whole bunch of black guys driving and shooting at each other. Points for realism.
00:32:03: What's all the Rasta violence, mon? I thought you be peaceful!
00:33:39: Ever wonder what happens to the innocent people that get in accidents because of car chases? Seems unfair, that's really gonna hurt their insurance premiums.
00:35:11: Cars are getting thrown at Will and Martin in a Ferrari. I mean.....that's cool I guess.
00:38:18: Martin is telling his mom on his sister/girl Will's banging.
00:40:39: 22 cars and a boat totaled. But that's not grounds for firing, suspension, or even a slap on the wrist. Or butt, for that matter.
00:44:09: Villain has rats eating his money. Reasonable response? Shooting at them.
00:46:30: Talking about Will's mom's titties. You know a movies bad when you lose my attention when you're talking about boobs.
00:47:54: Dancing and breaking stuff. No joke.
00:48:58: Some actor playing a Rastafarian who is speaking with a Korean or Thai accent. Always get those confused.
00:52:15: Martin apologizing to some guy who was just shooting at him. Must be a black thing.
00:$4:34: Porn on at Circuit City. Maybe if they really did that, people would actually go there instead of Best Buy.
00:57:00: Not sure, but I think I just listened to a 2 minute conversation about Matin Lawrence not being able to get a boner. Hopefully, I'm hallucinatiing.
00:58:02: NBA "legend" John Sally is a computer analyst in this movie. Commence killing self in 3, 2, 1.....
01:00:01: Martin and Will as scary exterminators. Not as scary as real exterminators, but still. A little scary.
01:04:32: Cuban killed the Russians friend. PORQUE?!?
01:06:59: Will found a finger. Severed, but probably still useful.
01:16:58: Disk skipped a little but no worries. There's still over an hour of drunk torture porn left.
01:19:10: Martin finds out Will's banging his sister. Martin looks like Kyle Orton while he's scrambling.
01:22:20: Will, Martin, and a hick spying on dirty Cuban villains. Michael Bay cameo. Dan Marino cameo. So irrelevant, it's like the Cubs season.
01:24:45: Another chase, another cut every 2 seconds. Dizzy Mike Dolan, reporting live.
01:25:38: Disc is skipping again. Which makes me sad, because I really wanted to see the 5th chase scene.
01:28:23: Now there's a chase on foot. I feel like we're digressing.
01:28:42: Pepsi truck rolls by. At least be subtle or creative about your obvious promoting. It's like "Hey, look at me, I'm a Pepsi truck!"
01:29:46: Will and some Cuban fighting on a monorail. Yes, cinema's first monorail fight. Groundbreaking.
01:31:13: They were dead before we ran over them. I bet police chiefs LOVE hearing that line. I, on the other hand, do not.
01:32:56: Marty and Will forgot they left the hick in the trunk. Seems humane.
01:33:36: Marty breaks up with Will.
01:34:54: Will's looking at yearbook photos. Seems normal for an action movie.
01:36:19: Will and Marty are berating a 15-year old trying to take out Marty's daughter. This isn't funny. This is highly disturbing and totally mean as fuck. But they laguh after.
01:38:22: Cubans breaking into some place to steal some thing. Importance of it is debatable.
01:40:02: Will and Marty in a mortuary. I must have missed the transition to retarded town.
01:41:15: Nothing hotter than a dead chick's big titties. Except everything and it's sister.
01:43:02: Will finds drugs in a bad guys chest. Marty accidently takes 2 tabs of X. Ever seen a black guy on X? Trust me, you don't want to.
01:45:30: When Will Smith tells you to crash an ambulance into the mortuary, you crash that ambulance into a mortuary.
01:46:08: The X is kickin' in for Marty and hear we go with epic matchup with retardedness. Batting: Marty Lawrence. Pitching: Ecstacy.
01:46:39: This isn't not gay shit, it's man shit. Strike 1.
01:48:11: Feeling Buddha's boobs. Strike 2.
01:49:48: I love it when you call me bunny love. Strike 3. Swinging.
01:50:40: Marty's got an erection. That's just peaches and cream, ain't it?
01:53:04: Russian is drunk and about to exact revenge. He introduces himself as the Russian Grim Reaper. Hello, idea for a sitcom.
01:55:34: Cuts and music cuts and music cuts and music. I have no idea what's happening because all there is is cuts and music cuts and music.
01:56:47: Swat guy with epic facial hair. I mean, more epic than a lumberjack.
01:57:22: Shit just got real. Actually, shit has always been real. It's been coming out of our butts since the beginning of time.
01:58:39: A little hearty-to-hearty with Will and Marty. Since Marty's sister was just kidnapped, you have to end the convo with "Bad Boys for Life." Hey! I love dialogue with the movie's title in it!
02:00:25: Secret plan to do some illegal rescue mission that seemingly EVERYONE is ok with. Well....I'm not. Sorry Marty, you're sister isn't worth free Cuban cigars.
02:02:25: Motherfucker villain has a badass mansion. One of the 3 in Cuba.
02:03:41: Cuban doesn't like the Last Supper painting on his wall. I don't either. I always thought Jesus was a bit pretentious.
02:05:01: Cuban hookers are hotter than real hookers.
02:06:08: Epic facial hair is about to CAP some communists.
02:07:10: Bomb disgusisd in a remote control car, RPG the house via facial hair, and jumping out of coffins with machine guns. Welcome to my nightmare.
02:08:13: Old lady with a shotgun. Imagine what your grandma would look like with one, then multiply the stupidity by 30.
02:09:44: So much death and guns, I feel like I'm in a Eli Roth movie.
02:10:40: Marty's sister is rescued but now the hard part. They have to resort to Plan B. Is this really the time to be talking about birth control?
02:12:26: Cubans can't shoot RPG's very good. They do, however, make decent ethnic food.
02:13:40: Car chase numero 28. Color me exploded with surprise.
02:14:21: We have moved on to Plan C, which looks like it's either anal or blowing your load too early.
02:15:38: Marty and Will about to crash into Guantanamo Bay. Me thinks this could be lamer than Daddy Day Care.
02:17:21: Now they're standing on a live mine field. Which is used for some moronic death scene, which hopefully will end the movie.
02:18:31: Lessons in going over-the-top: Main Villains body blowing up AFTER he's dead.
02:19:19: I generally don't like rap, but Nelly is a solid negro.
02:20:00: End of movie with Will and Marty talking in a pool. Presumably, it's filled with their bullshit.
Another episode in near-death experience. With only three Michael Bay movies left, I can't wait for this segment to end and be gone forever. But I do it for you, the readers who continually get the view count up 3 or 4 points a day. I salute you, sirs and madams. Until next time, which will probably be the mailbag, I bid you adieu and adios.
00:00:00: Today I will be drinking vodka tonics during my reviewing. Why the change? I heard about a scurvy outbreak and I hear tonic prevents you from getting that. Hooray.
00:00:33: We begin in an ecstasy lab in Amsterdam. So far...sooooooooo good.
00:02:04: Dropping coffins full of heroin in the water.
00:03:05: Sean "P Diddy" Combs as a Music Consultant. That's how you know a movie's gonna be good.
00:05:45: Nothing like a KKK rally to introduce your two main black characters.
00:08:39: Wow, what a bad 3 minute action sequence that was there basically for Martin and Will to hear themselves talk.
00:10:18: Marty got shot in the ass. Now he knows how I feel.
00:11:29: Bad guy meeting. By bad, I mean bad actors, bad characters, and BAD BOYS!
00:13:18: Montage of Will and Martin in various therapy sessions. Wait, am I watching the right movie?
00:15:22: Michael from Lost playing a Jamaican? At least he's not screaming about his kid.
00:17:59: Will wants to bang Marty's sister. Whoa wait. They already are banging. Good for those kiddies.
00:22:33: MGD logo all over the place. No shameless promotion or anything.
00:24:24: Quick cuts of money going through a machine. Oh, Russians. If they were smart, they'd deal in euro's.
00:25:34: Rastafarian gang. Now we're getting somewhere. (Jamaica?)
00:27:11: "Muscle car...3 black occupants." Criminals?
00:28:38: Martin Lawrence wearing a Vick jersey. Wonder if he's in on the dog thing.
00:30:00: Just a whole bunch of black guys driving and shooting at each other. Points for realism.
00:32:03: What's all the Rasta violence, mon? I thought you be peaceful!
00:33:39: Ever wonder what happens to the innocent people that get in accidents because of car chases? Seems unfair, that's really gonna hurt their insurance premiums.
00:35:11: Cars are getting thrown at Will and Martin in a Ferrari. I mean.....that's cool I guess.
00:38:18: Martin is telling his mom on his sister/girl Will's banging.
00:40:39: 22 cars and a boat totaled. But that's not grounds for firing, suspension, or even a slap on the wrist. Or butt, for that matter.
00:44:09: Villain has rats eating his money. Reasonable response? Shooting at them.
00:46:30: Talking about Will's mom's titties. You know a movies bad when you lose my attention when you're talking about boobs.
00:47:54: Dancing and breaking stuff. No joke.
00:48:58: Some actor playing a Rastafarian who is speaking with a Korean or Thai accent. Always get those confused.
00:52:15: Martin apologizing to some guy who was just shooting at him. Must be a black thing.
00:$4:34: Porn on at Circuit City. Maybe if they really did that, people would actually go there instead of Best Buy.
00:57:00: Not sure, but I think I just listened to a 2 minute conversation about Matin Lawrence not being able to get a boner. Hopefully, I'm hallucinatiing.
00:58:02: NBA "legend" John Sally is a computer analyst in this movie. Commence killing self in 3, 2, 1.....
01:00:01: Martin and Will as scary exterminators. Not as scary as real exterminators, but still. A little scary.
01:04:32: Cuban killed the Russians friend. PORQUE?!?
01:06:59: Will found a finger. Severed, but probably still useful.
01:16:58: Disk skipped a little but no worries. There's still over an hour of drunk torture porn left.
01:19:10: Martin finds out Will's banging his sister. Martin looks like Kyle Orton while he's scrambling.
01:22:20: Will, Martin, and a hick spying on dirty Cuban villains. Michael Bay cameo. Dan Marino cameo. So irrelevant, it's like the Cubs season.
01:24:45: Another chase, another cut every 2 seconds. Dizzy Mike Dolan, reporting live.
01:25:38: Disc is skipping again. Which makes me sad, because I really wanted to see the 5th chase scene.
01:28:23: Now there's a chase on foot. I feel like we're digressing.
01:28:42: Pepsi truck rolls by. At least be subtle or creative about your obvious promoting. It's like "Hey, look at me, I'm a Pepsi truck!"
01:29:46: Will and some Cuban fighting on a monorail. Yes, cinema's first monorail fight. Groundbreaking.
01:31:13: They were dead before we ran over them. I bet police chiefs LOVE hearing that line. I, on the other hand, do not.
01:32:56: Marty and Will forgot they left the hick in the trunk. Seems humane.
01:33:36: Marty breaks up with Will.
01:34:54: Will's looking at yearbook photos. Seems normal for an action movie.
01:36:19: Will and Marty are berating a 15-year old trying to take out Marty's daughter. This isn't funny. This is highly disturbing and totally mean as fuck. But they laguh after.
01:38:22: Cubans breaking into some place to steal some thing. Importance of it is debatable.
01:40:02: Will and Marty in a mortuary. I must have missed the transition to retarded town.
01:41:15: Nothing hotter than a dead chick's big titties. Except everything and it's sister.
01:43:02: Will finds drugs in a bad guys chest. Marty accidently takes 2 tabs of X. Ever seen a black guy on X? Trust me, you don't want to.
01:45:30: When Will Smith tells you to crash an ambulance into the mortuary, you crash that ambulance into a mortuary.
01:46:08: The X is kickin' in for Marty and hear we go with epic matchup with retardedness. Batting: Marty Lawrence. Pitching: Ecstacy.
01:46:39: This isn't not gay shit, it's man shit. Strike 1.
01:48:11: Feeling Buddha's boobs. Strike 2.
01:49:48: I love it when you call me bunny love. Strike 3. Swinging.
01:50:40: Marty's got an erection. That's just peaches and cream, ain't it?
01:53:04: Russian is drunk and about to exact revenge. He introduces himself as the Russian Grim Reaper. Hello, idea for a sitcom.
01:55:34: Cuts and music cuts and music cuts and music. I have no idea what's happening because all there is is cuts and music cuts and music.
01:56:47: Swat guy with epic facial hair. I mean, more epic than a lumberjack.
01:57:22: Shit just got real. Actually, shit has always been real. It's been coming out of our butts since the beginning of time.
01:58:39: A little hearty-to-hearty with Will and Marty. Since Marty's sister was just kidnapped, you have to end the convo with "Bad Boys for Life." Hey! I love dialogue with the movie's title in it!
02:00:25: Secret plan to do some illegal rescue mission that seemingly EVERYONE is ok with. Well....I'm not. Sorry Marty, you're sister isn't worth free Cuban cigars.
02:02:25: Motherfucker villain has a badass mansion. One of the 3 in Cuba.
02:03:41: Cuban doesn't like the Last Supper painting on his wall. I don't either. I always thought Jesus was a bit pretentious.
02:05:01: Cuban hookers are hotter than real hookers.
02:06:08: Epic facial hair is about to CAP some communists.
02:07:10: Bomb disgusisd in a remote control car, RPG the house via facial hair, and jumping out of coffins with machine guns. Welcome to my nightmare.
02:08:13: Old lady with a shotgun. Imagine what your grandma would look like with one, then multiply the stupidity by 30.
02:09:44: So much death and guns, I feel like I'm in a Eli Roth movie.
02:10:40: Marty's sister is rescued but now the hard part. They have to resort to Plan B. Is this really the time to be talking about birth control?
02:12:26: Cubans can't shoot RPG's very good. They do, however, make decent ethnic food.
02:13:40: Car chase numero 28. Color me exploded with surprise.
02:14:21: We have moved on to Plan C, which looks like it's either anal or blowing your load too early.
02:15:38: Marty and Will about to crash into Guantanamo Bay. Me thinks this could be lamer than Daddy Day Care.
02:17:21: Now they're standing on a live mine field. Which is used for some moronic death scene, which hopefully will end the movie.
02:18:31: Lessons in going over-the-top: Main Villains body blowing up AFTER he's dead.
02:19:19: I generally don't like rap, but Nelly is a solid negro.
02:20:00: End of movie with Will and Marty talking in a pool. Presumably, it's filled with their bullshit.
Another episode in near-death experience. With only three Michael Bay movies left, I can't wait for this segment to end and be gone forever. But I do it for you, the readers who continually get the view count up 3 or 4 points a day. I salute you, sirs and madams. Until next time, which will probably be the mailbag, I bid you adieu and adios.
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